1. Mason jar salads
No one loves the idea of a jar full of freshly chopped veggies and protein more than me, so the fact that I’ve never actually constructed my own week’s worth of Mason jar salads tells me that no one is actually doing this. Somewhere there’s some 22 year-old ripping her hair out in chunks like, “Actually, Molls, I love salads in a five pound jar! I DO do that!” and to her I say, “Haha, you said ‘do-do.’”
2. Monogramming your belongings
If you’re sitting at home carefully printing or stitching your initials on your pillowcases and towels, I hope to God you are a homeowner with perfect credit who doesn’t have to work and is some sort of perfect physical specimen. That’s the only type of person I can think of who might actually be able to afford the time to indulge in such a pointless task.
3. “Upcycling” other people’s garbage
Refurbishing is a legitimate skill that not everybody has. You can find the chair that needs the paint job, you can buy the new paint, but you can’t always put the whole thing together. And you definitely won’t always make the time to do it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to a friends house and have them point to some chair that looks like it carries fleas and say, “I got that for five dollars, I just need to reupholster it.” If you pull something off the street with the intention of giving it a make over, give yourself a month to do it. If it’s still in it’s original form after 30 days, put it back out on the corner.
4. Dip-dying lace shorts
By the time you track down your lace shorts, commit to a dye color, wait for a sunny enough day to set up the project in your backyard, fuck up the first pair and wait for another blank pair to show up in the mail so you can try again, you and the rest of the world will be completely over this already-tired look.
5. Cupcakes made to look like something other than a cupcake
There’s something really wrong with a world where people can’t be happy with a regular-ass cupcake. Why you’d want to put a strawberry on top of one and drown it in six ounces of icing so it looks like a Christmas tree is one of the greatest mysteries of our time. Are people really that demented now or something? Why is this even a discussion?
6. Peppermint “trays”
I don’t know what group of sick fucks got together and decided that lining up Starlight mints on a baking sheet and popping them in the oven was some sort of revelation in the world of homemade bullshit, but if I have to see one more of these sticky looking candy plates, I’ll find said sick fucks and kill them. Peppermint trays! Trays made of peppermints! We got it!
7. Directions on how to make a smoothie
When I see a smoothie recipe on a blog in 2015, I know the author’s all but given up. A teaspoon of chia seeds, some vanilla almond milk, a banana—riveting material.
8. Neon eyebrows
I’m not sure what “lifestyle” having neon pink-tinted brows lends to, but I think the world would be a better place if bloggers would stop suggesting it. I know one person who can pull off day-glow brows and he’s a 6’2” Native American man with a sick body, five feet of thick black hair, and a sexy Hispanic boyfriend. Most of us are not that. Most of us need to work on regular ol’ brows first.
9. Water marble nails
I can tell you from personal experience that there is no bigger waste of time, tape or nail polish than this DIY nail trend. I don’t even LIKE water marble, but I was so determined to prove to myself that YES, it can be done, that I blew through half a bottle of OPI, ruined a Tupperware container and stained my fingers blue. This is not a “fun, easy technique for unique nails,” so let’s all stop pretending.
10. Rainbow baked goods
I’m not saying that no one would try to make a ROY G. BIV b-day cake or stack of pancakes, I’m saying that people who would do that are assholes and instructing them on how to do so makes you the biggest asshole of them all. Birthday cake and pancakes aren’t fun enough? Isn’t it a big enough deal that you’re blowing a week’s worth of sugar calories in one meal? Now that shit has to be rainbow colored and photogenic in order to be considered worthy of your lifestyle? Throw yourself off a bridge.