1. Your mattress has coffee stains on it
No matter how many times it happens, you always think that if you JUST DON’T MOVE your morning joe won’t spill if you lean it against your thigh. And it doesn’t until somebody sends the new Taylor Swift video and you can’t help but jump for joy a little.
2. You sleep with a phone, a laptop, an iPad and an Amazon Fire HD
So what if it’s supposedly turning your body into one giant tumor—you need that stuff. It’s important that you have it handy incase you have to log in and write something up or if there’s breaking news or if you’re super stoned and want to re-watch Friday Night Lights while surfing the web and playing Words With Friends.
3. You file all your papers under your bed
Paper is so cumbersome, just shove it under the bed until you need it, if you ever need it. You should throw that paper out, actually. After this episode of Friday Night Lights, though.
4. You have several books and magazines in and around your bed
The only one you’ve read all the way through is the Us Weekly with Joe and Theresa’s last Christmas together with the girls on the cover, but that slang dictionary, waterlogged copy of Gone Girl and zine encyclopedia are going to come in handy someday and when they do, you won’t wanna get out of bed to find them.
5. You put Post-Its on your headboard
Your late grandmother’s lovely headboard has taken on more of a utilitarian use than it was intended for. There’s definitely a small stain from when Sharpie leaked through on it. You feel kind of shitty about it—technically your sister inherited it and you’re just holding on to it because she’s living in a small studio right now. You’ll have to hope she forgets about it all together or maybe you should just cut ties with her. Change your name, move to a new city.
6. You’ve had to call your phone to find it in your sheets
WheresMyCellphone has saved my ass more times than I care to admit. Because I have to use a computer to call my phone. Because nobody calls me anymore. Because they know I won’t leave my office bed.
7. You have a moat of dirty laundry around your bed
You just shuck your clothes off and hop back into bed whenever you get home. If you need a hoodie, you just reach down into the clothing moat and grab one. You basically do your shopping in the clothing moat too. So many things go missing in there that when you find them, they feel brand new again. They don’t SMELL brand new, but that’s nothing a little Febreeze wont fix.
8. Your bedside table is a disaster
Water bottles, a cigarette butt from that time you just full blown gave up and smoked in bed, wine glasses, granola bar wrappers, empty cereal bowls you let the dog drink the milk out of. It’s your pharmacy, your grocery store and in some ways, your car.
9. You found pens, paperclips and more phone chargers than you knew you had last time you made your bed
Shaking out your sheets is like a trip to Staples. You found a a T-183 in there that still had “boobies” written on it. Reems of paper, the Mac Store, a Mac Genius. No wonder your back hurts.
10. You have no desk
You probably should have skipped the really nice Egyptian cotton sheets and just gotten the IKEA desk. That would have saved your whole life, now that you think about it.