1. He doesn’t hang out with your friends.
When you guys hang out, it’s alone or with a group of his friends. He never encourages you to bring along your BFF. It’s not just because he doesn’t care, it’s because he doesn’t even like your friends. Not because of anything they did, of course. It’s ‘cause he’s a psycho.
2. …And when he does, he’s rude.
But of course there ARE moments when your boyfriend and your friends happen to be in the same room at the same time and during those moments, he’s weird and silent and suddenly busy moving about the apartment even though he’s been watching It’s Complicated on your couch all morning.
3. He thinks of your hobbies as “the little things you do”
Oh, you know—like the stop motion video you spent three months making in your apartment before and after work and on weekends. You’re pretty sure he didn’t even click the link when you sent him the finished project.
4. But you’re supposed to shit yourself every time he does ANYTHING.
He’ll make a low blow about something oddly personal if you don’t laugh out loud at the name of his fantasy football team. You’re expected to notice every little update he makes to his entertainment system (who the fuck still has an entertainment system?) His minor achievements are your EVERYTHING!
5. He never asks you if you came too.
You know, he just kinda rolls over and passes out or watches the second half of Tremors on USA while you’re lying there with lady blue balls, a little afraid to talk, to be honest.
6. He never picks up the tab. Ever.
Going dutch 95% of the time is cool, I guess, but traditional gender roles aside, it’s just nice to be treated sometimes. Like, “hey—I made an effort to look nice tonight, please spare me the “how do we split this” dance when the check comes.”
7. Your entire relationship would horrify your grandmother.
There are a fuckload of problems with old fashioned dating, but just because we’re not all “courting” doesn’t mean that any guy who’s really into you won’t be chivalrous. If your dude doesn’t open doors, let you order first and put on his car seat warmers for you, it’s because he’s only willing to put in the bare minimum.
8. There are major things you don’t really know about his life.
You know he works in insurance, but not which company. You know he grew up in Ohio, but do his parents live in Idaho or Iowa now? And what’s his sister’s name again? It’s not that he’s hiding these things from you, he’s just not sharing them in the way that a person who wants someone they care about to know things about them would.
9. He’s called you a “fucking bitch” or something similar in a fit of anger.
Of course this isn’t a huge red flag in every instance, but more often than not, if a dude feels okay with calling you a degrading name to get his point across, there’s nothing you can do to reverse that mentality.
10. You seem to be last on his call list.
Why’d he wait so long to tell you that he got the promotion after you helped him prepare his proposal and listened to him practice and proofread like, a million documents? Because he’s a shitty, shitty boyfriend.