1. The Successful Nerd
He’s not cute, but he dresses in sharp, classic sweaters and blazers. He’s not a looker, but he can be the only one worth talking to in a room sometimes. He tends to overcompensate for how completely bullied he was for most of his life by acting super confident. It might not even be an act. This guy is really, really successful.
2. The “Ben Affleck in Boiler Room”
He might cut you up into tiny little pieces, but this guy is as good-looking as he is intense and Scott Peterson-y. His home is immaculate—if your place was anything like that, everything would be broken and stained fifteen minutes in. He doesn’t talk about his family or his friends. He possibly has a dog he bought through a groomer that has a plain name like, “Spot” or “Champ.” He fucks like a champ and never ever calls you.
3. The Possible ‘Roid Head
They’re so normally not your type but once in a great while, you wind up going home with a guy that looks more like a Jersey Shore background extra than someone you’d ever go for in like, the real world. This is the kind of guy you wind up sleeping with on vacation after a day in the sun and wayyy too many cocktails. Your friends make fun of you the whole flight home for it and two weeks later you find out you have HPV again.
4. The Cuddly Manchild
Aw, he’s just so nice and sweet and… nice and sweet. The sex with a guy like this is always super weird—you might as well be changing his diaper—but these guys are hard to resist, especially after a break up. They’re just so comforting and totally willing to watch Daria on Hulu Plus with you and you can just eat gross things and be totally cavewoman-ish around him. Just like family.
5. The Shaggy Comedy Writer
That Christmas was really dark and lonely, okay? Yes, this guy is probably going to kill himself someday he’s so miserable and he almost definitely is an alcoholic, but under all that hair and body odor is a guy that just wants to please you, just wants to make you laugh and definitely does not think he’s too cool to go down on you for like, three days.
6. The Hot Filthy Animal
His place is disgusting, his bed sheets… well, he doesn’t have anything, but this guy is hot. Really, really model hot. He’s a 24 year-old model/cater-waiter who has a room in a place he shares with four other 24 year-old guys. But he’s really, really hot.
7. The Intellectual Snob
There’s no question in his mind that he knows more than you, has better taste than you and is in general, a much more high quality human than you and something about that drives you crazy. You have to hit that just once, just to prove that mother fucker wrong. You will completely regret this simply because you’ll realize later that now he REALLY thinks you don’t “get it” and something about that regret will make you want it to happen again even more. Secretly, of course. You’d die if anyone knew you hooked up with this asshole.
8. The Adventurer
He’s the male version of Jessa on Girls. He’s been all around the world. His only possessions are odd musical instruments he’s collected during his travels. The only time you ever really run into him is when he’s couch-hopping stateside in-between volunteering gigs. You’re not too caught up in his magic—you see him for the homeless man-gypsy he is, but he’s fun as hell to drink with and yeah, you’d hit that just once, just to see what it was like.
9. The Unattainable Permacrush
That guy you first met in college that never shook. He wasn’t into you, but you just couldn’t take a hint. No matter where you are in your life, if you are single and should the opportunity arise, you will sleep with this guy. Every time.
10. The Shithead
The cliché to end all clichés… But it’s a cliché because it’s fucking true. There’s something so hot about a guy that’s inconsiderate, rude, mean, disrespectful and overall wrong. Not all the time, not in a real way, but a lot of the times, yes. There can be something really bone-worthy about a guy that’s going to talk down to you. If men didn’t sometimes love women who did the same (and everyone who dates anyone, for that matter), I’d shed a tear for my fellow straight girls.