10 Oddly Intoxicating Things To Do Besides Drink This Holiday Season

If you’re anything like me, you’re used to getting through the holidays with the help of your good friend wine. And liquor. And champagne. And a Christmas ale or two. But this year I’m doing things differently. I’ve put down the booze all together for the time being. Quite frankly, I’m 30 and drinking wasn’t a good look on me anymore and it’s contribution to my sudden weight gain became undeniable toward the end of the summer. While quitting booze has been easier than I thought it would be, the temptation of the upcoming holiday season (financial distress, travel, family, long hours indoors in an itchy sweater) and it’s motherfucking delicious cocktails is going to be “one day at a time” on CRACK. If those liquid hunger (thirst?) pains come tugging at your skirt leg while decorating the tree or watching your drunk uncle try to explain his racist opinions to your new boyfriend, try retreating from the madness using some—or all—of these tips.
Four Christmases
Four Christmases

1. Get a guilty pleasure
Every time I take a trip home, I distract myself from how uncomfortable I am around my family by binge watching a series that I secretly want to watch. Last Christmas I decided to check out a little series called “Vanderpump Rules” and now it’s literally the most fucking important thing to ever happen to me. Ever.

2. Have a delicious beverage of your own
Just because you’re not drinking doesn’t mean you can’t indulge in a Christmas-y virgin drink. I know, you’re like, “Fuck you, Molly. Literally no one wants a virgin egg nog!” but I’m serious, y’all. It’s good. It’s not that bad. It’s okay. It’s something you can do.

3. Keep your hands busy
The wintertime begs you to craft. Stock up on knitting or needlepointing supplies. Teach yourself if you don’t know how. Make a last minute Christmas gift for a family member you don’t hate or yourself if the only person you love is you.

4. Keep a sober friend around
Assuming that your parents are being total lame-os, you can always invite a friend over for a high school style sleepover. Scratch that—you were probably drinking in high school—middle school sleepover. Catching up all night, eating shitty food and watching movies is a positive distraction from the madness of the season.

5. Run in the snow
Any time you feel like another moment in that overheated house will make you rip the door off the liquor cabinet and go goddamn cray-cray, put on your boots and go for a quick snow jog. Or smoke a cigarette in the driveway.

6. Smoke cigars
Speaking of smoking, I always like to smoke a stogie while I’m hanging around the house. Everyone else can be merrymaking indoors and I’ll bring a can of soda and a nice cigar outside, walk around solo or with a cousin, look at the snow, put it out and come back to it a couple hours later… it’s like a little project. Gluing tobacco residue (?) to your lungs— arts and crafts for the disgusting set.

7. Eat
Hey— most of the time when you’re craving booze, you’re actually just missing that dopamine rush. So replace that addiction with another addiction and satiate your cravings by snacking on sugar cookies and pumpkin pie and whole turkey legs that look like they’re cartoon whole turkey legs but they’re not, they’re real whole turkey legs.

8. Attempt something difficult
Start a project—one of those crazy 3D puzzles in your mom’s basement, making your grandma’s mincemeat pie (ew) from scratch, plan (and book) your entire year of travel, organizing all of the CDs and VHS tapes in your childhood bedroom, finally putting together that scrap book of all your high school junk. Think of something that will keep you busy for days if you time it out right and get after it.

9. Download a new gaming app
Every six months or so an iPhone game comes around that gets me totally hooked for a couple months of my life and I essentially live and breathe it until I decide that there’s nothing left there for me (usually when I’m not winning.) This year I was all about Kim Kardashian Hollywood and more recently, Bubble Witch, because I heard Amy Adams likes to play it. I don’t care for Amy Adams, but I love me some Bubble Witch. Distract myself for hours with some Bubble Witch.

10. Sleep
Sleep like nobody’s watching but you hope they are cuz your Christmas jamies are so cute. Sleep fearlessly. Sleep passionately. Sleep deeply. Crazy. Sexy. Sleep. TC mark

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