DITCH THE HEELS

I don’t mean “ditch the heels” the way Cosmo means it when they’re talking about paring ballet flats with a casual fall look as if it’s as unbridled as helping yourself to dessert more than once a week. When I say it I mean, “Wearing heels when your night’s basically a simple-sugar fueled bar crawl is begging for failure.”

If you don’t wind up tripping and spilling punch cooled with dry ice all over your nurses’ uniform, a guy dressed like Cookie Monster will surely get his fur tangled in your stiletto and take out half of the pumpkin carving contest in the process. And the host will cry because let’s face it: she was going to anyway.

KEEP IT SIMPLE

If you still have time, return the other two costumes you bought as alternates. You will wear them once, have your picture taken in them and you’ll never wear them again (if you’ve got a full bag of marbles.)

Think about it: When you walk into a Halloween party, you’re usually more drawn to the hot dude who taped a hand-written sign around his neck that reads, “Ebola.” It’s simple, it’s funny, you can see his face. The dude wiping sweat from his brow, holding a Bullwinkle head that matches his furry one-piece is getting “aww”s from sympathetic passersby wishes he was him.

And for chicks: Much like most situations in life, we’re totally set up for failure in this department. Skip the bejeweled face—it’ll take days to get it off. Don’t spray colored hairspray into your hair— it’s cheap and crusty and you’ll be rinse and repeating until it’s time to go to work on Monday. Skip the hot wigs, the parts of your costume that are hard to carry or maintain (take a walk around the block with your angel wings on and if they need to be adjusted more than three times, ditch them.)

You do not need to wear an “funny costume” that’s meme-able. There are people shooting cops out there. These times are too real for your bullshit.

AVOID THE HYPE

Ticket parties, long lines and packed subway rides are bullshit. Go to a small house party or a dive bar. It’s exactly the same thing as negotiating your tail while commuting four hours to a warehouse where you were told Diplo would be performing. Guess what? Diplo is not performing. The drinks are going to be weak. You’ll keep losing your friends. A stranger dressed as Amy Winehouse will try to sneak a finger in your felt leopard body suit.

SAVE YOUR MONEY

If you’re torn between a fifty-dollar costume and a ten dollar costume, go for the ten. If you can’t pick between the haunted house that’s a local tradition and the cheap-o one that let’s out directly in front of your favorite bar, you’re nuts. Who needs a haunted house? Life is scary enough. In addition to the dead police and the Ebola, there are also teens being shot by police, airplanes going missing, natural disasters, terrorism and Amanda Bynes. Keep it simple.

SKIP THE WHOLE THING

If your plans aren’t clear, don’t force it. Maybe see that movie “Nightcrawler.” I don’t know if it was the generous hit off my PAX that made it so, but that might have been the best movie I’ve ever seen. Jake Gyllenhaal plays a thirsty weirdo who’s desperate to get the best news cam he can. He gets himself into quite a situation! A situation so good that I refuse to spoil it for you!

Just go to the movies or have a game night (if you’re like, 33). Call over some friends, eat some special brownies and talk about your exes. Buy some curious-looking wines from Trader Joes and host a queer little wine party. Head over to Islands and get some burgers. Start your Christmas shopping. Halloween is over.