
DITCH THE HEELS
I donât mean âditch the heelsâ the way Cosmo means it when theyâre talking about paring ballet flats with a casual fall look as if itâs as unbridled as helping yourself to dessert more than once a week. When I say it I mean, âWearing heels when your nightâs basically a simple-sugar fueled bar crawl is begging for failure.â
If you donât wind up tripping and spilling punch cooled with dry ice all over your nursesâ uniform, a guy dressed like Cookie Monster will surely get his fur tangled in your stiletto and take out half of the pumpkin carving contest in the process. And the host will cry because letâs face it: she was going to anyway.
KEEP IT SIMPLE
If you still have time, return the other two costumes you bought as alternates. You will wear them once, have your picture taken in them and youâll never wear them again (if youâve got a full bag of marbles.)
Think about it: When you walk into a Halloween party, youâre usually more drawn to the hot dude who taped a hand-written sign around his neck that reads, âEbola.â Itâs simple, itâs funny, you can see his face. The dude wiping sweat from his brow, holding a Bullwinkle head that matches his furry one-piece is getting âawwâs from sympathetic passersby wishes he was him.
And for chicks: Much like most situations in life, weâre totally set up for failure in this department. Skip the bejeweled faceâitâll take days to get it off. Donât spray colored hairspray into your hairâ itâs cheap and crusty and youâll be rinse and repeating until itâs time to go to work on Monday. Skip the hot wigs, the parts of your costume that are hard to carry or maintain (take a walk around the block with your angel wings on and if they need to be adjusted more than three times, ditch them.)
You do not need to wear an âfunny costumeâ thatâs meme-able. There are people shooting cops out there. These times are too real for your bullshit.
AVOID THE HYPE
Ticket parties, long lines and packed subway rides are bullshit. Go to a small house party or a dive bar. Itâs exactly the same thing as negotiating your tail while commuting four hours to a warehouse where you were told Diplo would be performing. Guess what? Diplo is not performing. The drinks are going to be weak. Youâll keep losing your friends. A stranger dressed as Amy Winehouse will try to sneak a finger in your felt leopard body suit.
SAVE YOUR MONEY
If youâre torn between a fifty-dollar costume and a ten dollar costume, go for the ten. If you canât pick between the haunted house thatâs a local tradition and the cheap-o one that letâs out directly in front of your favorite bar, youâre nuts. Who needs a haunted house? Life is scary enough. In addition to the dead police and the Ebola, there are also teens being shot by police, airplanes going missing, natural disasters, terrorism and Amanda Bynes. Keep it simple.
SKIP THE WHOLE THING
If your plans arenât clear, donât force it. Maybe see that movie âNightcrawler.â I donât know if it was the generous hit off my PAX that made it so, but that might have been the best movie Iâve ever seen. Jake Gyllenhaal plays a thirsty weirdo whoâs desperate to get the best news cam he can. He gets himself into quite a situation! A situation so good that I refuse to spoil it for you!
Just go to the movies or have a game night (if youâre like, 33). Call over some friends, eat some special brownies and talk about your exes. Buy some curious-looking wines from Trader Joes and host a queer little wine party. Head over to Islands and get some burgers. Start your Christmas shopping. Halloween is over.