I Hate My Mailman

My mailman is a loser. There is no other word to describe a person who is not only terrible at his job, but has no desire to do anything about it. He is lazy and impolite and quite brazen about it. He lies frequently and shows no remorse. If my mailman were my boyfriend, my friends would be afraid for my life. This dude is totally not my boyfriend, though. I think a boyfriend would try to make sure that I have all the books I order off Amazon in my possession. I don’t know the guy’s name or I’d happily tell you. Just kidding, I wouldn’t. I’m physically afraid of him because he’s confrontational.

When I figured out that this guy was going to be a problem, about a month or so into living at this apartment, I tried to befriend him. One morning I waited until I heard the mail slot squeak open before running down the stairs with a plastic bag filled with cookies I’d just made. I swung open the door and took my mail from his hand as introduced myself and held out the bag. He accepted the cookies and said hello then nothing else, so I prompted him to give me his name. Before turning away he said, “I try not to tell too many people that.”

I found all of this to be extremely odd, especially since the guy looks like what I’d imagine Snoop Dogg’s grandfather to look like. I’d expect that Snoop Dogg’s grandfather would be very chill. He wears the USPS trucker hat style and has what my friend Blaire calls a greazy braid. Not greasy, “greazy,” because it’s beyond oily. It’s a matted braid that’s so full of straight-up tallow that it couldn’t be saved if he wanted it to be, though I’m certain that he doesn’t. This is a look that he had set out for and achieved. I’m so thrilled he’s accomplished at least one thing in his pathetic life.

He wears his Blackberry on his belt, which may be the standard in other areas, but not here. Usually they keep their phones in their tight government-issued short pockets. He keeps a Discman (a Discman) on his belt, too. There was a time when I admired both of those accessories because I also love connectivity and who am I to deny anyone of some solid tunage? I think both of those things are great if you can manage to enjoy them while also doing your job. It’s like having a radio in your cubicle and calling into the local top 40 station to win Bon Jovi tickets on your lunch. You can do that and still be a great employee.

However, at least once a week I walk down the stairs to my front door and there’s a little orange piece of paper on top of my mail, the USPS door tag. I work from home and like to be here even when I’m not working, so I should never get a door tag. Unless homebro is delivering my mail while I’m making a 10 PM run to the liquor store for some six-dollar cabernet and ranch flavored Doritos, I should never get a door tag.

The door to my apartment is so thin that my guy friends pull me aside at parties and tell me to make sure I’m locking my door at night because I have weird neighbors who engage in things like gang activity and they don’t think my door is very safe. It’s at the bottom of a flight of stairs, so when anyone even walks near it, you hear an echo throughout the entire two-bedroom apartment. It’s so loud that I’m always startled by it, even if I know someone’s coming over, and my Chihuahua immediately goes into attack mode. He doesn’t knock. I have a dog, I have proof, and it’s final.

When I have a filled out door tag with redelivery instructions, I listen for the mail slot to open before handing it to him and pointing out that I’ve checked the box for him to leave it behind if I don’t answer the door. He responds to this by throwing his hands up and claiming that he tried to knock but I wasn’t around to hear it. I tell him that I don’t care what happened in the past and to please bring my package the next day. Then he says something about how it’s up to the people at the station to make sure that the package gets on his truck, and he’ll get to it if he can.

Things got kind of heated between us once during one of these back-and-forths, and he raised his voice at me. He was saying something about how it wasn’t his job to make sure my package was on the truck and I said something about how I wasn’t sure whose job it would be since he was the one who took the door tags. He raised his voice at me and I told him he needed to cool down and bring me my package and my roommate stood there watching the whole thing like, “Damn, girl. I didn’t even know you had postman drama.”

On Mondays and Saturdays, other people deliver the mail, so that’s when I can expect my parcels to come. I managed to catch the Monday mailman a few weeks back and asked him if he knew what the regular mailman’s deal is. He told me that Snoop’s grandpa had been suspended a few months back for doing poor work and was known for having an attitude problem. I wasn’t at all shocked to learn this, but I still felt a great sense of disappointment, which is an emotion that losers often invoke.

So I called the USPS last week and reported him. I was afraid to do it because I take people’s livelihoods pretty seriously and I don’t want anyone to lose their job, even if they are a loser. I know that cutting out one breadwinner could devastate dozens of people and it’s not my intention to ravage a family because I didn’t get my used copy of The Fantasy Bond in a timely fashion. I told that to the operator that I spoke to on the phone, too. I didn’t want her to think that I was the kind of person who waits in line to sit in the audience of game shows and then calls up customer service hotlines and tries to get people to fired from their jobs. You know, like one of the ladies on Extreme Couponing or something who isn’t doing anything illegal but has basically figured out how to get a bunch of free stuff and kind of ruin people’s lives by being a pain in the ass? Like, a shiesty person? That’s not me.

Don’t worry, the dude’s not fired, although the woman that I spoke to on the phone about him seemed overly familiar with the behavior I was describing. She sounded like an elementary school vice principal who was getting a call about the one second grader who wont stop acting all beastly because his parents are getting divorced or he has to live with his grandma or whatever. It was all sighs and “what did he do now?”-s on her end. That loser hasn’t delivered any packages this week, but he also hasn’t delivered any door tags. I don’t know if he’s taken something from his most recent come to Jesus or if he’s just shoving them in the bushes. Maybe all my door tags are stuffed up in that greazy ponytail of his, I don’t know. All I know for sure is that he’s a loser and I’m never baking anything for him ever again, which sucks because I’m an amazing baker who’s also attempting to be super well-read. I don’t even need his packages. I am the package, thank you. TC mark

image – Joseph Barillari

More From Thought Catalog

  • KrishaRay

    I'm not sure that the coupon analogy is very effective. I highly doubt using coupons is ruining anyone's life. If it is, then the issue is not the coupons, it is the quality of life that the person had to begin with. I'm not sure how someone using coupons is shiesty. How is using coupons shady or sinister?

    Besides this analogy, I thoroughly enjoyed the piece and love the tone you use in your writing.

    • i'vehadenoughodisshit

      You know that troll in front of you at the supermarket checkout line? The one that has a hardbound book of coupons? And then tries to apply each fucking coupon to everything they purchase? And when the cashier declines they get into a huge fight with the cashier? Yeah, they're ruining everyone's fucking lives. I've aged 5 years alone because of those greedy little gremlins. Fuck them, they are Satan's children.

      • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

        I thought this was a funny article. Your post man sounds awful. If he worked in my parent's neighborhood or mine, he would have gotten a tongue lashing that would make him reconsider his occupation. We don't mess around about our packages. Good on you for trying to be sweet about things, pity it isn't working! Who doesn't get won over by tasty treats?

      • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

        . . . I didn't mean to reply to the comment above me. But for the record, that supermarket troll sounds vaguely like my Mum. Coupons are an obsession. And I have spent my life shooting everyone around me, apologetic looks.

    • http://twitter.com/sophiakiona Sophia Anderson

      You have clearly never worked as a cashier if you can't understand how fucking awful extreme couponers are.

  • PERFECTCIRCLES

    You know what needs to be done.

    • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

      LMAO.

  • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

    This chick is wicked funny. Go to her blog and watch Molly Whatever is Charming. Highlarious.

    • Reallyyyydude

      Highlarious? Really. Gurllll.

  • TA

    With some of the money you saved from not buying an iPhone, purchase a Kindle–that problem is now solved. Also, use online banking to pay bills, and use FedEx or UPS for other orders.

    Just cut the USPS out of your life, it's a massive sink on federal funds anyway, help expedite its belated demise.

  • Ardra

    Yes, you are the package. <3

  • Reallyyyydude

    As soon as I saw another post by you I was ready to just over-dramatically type in all caps “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, MOLLS. THESE THOUGHTCATALOG POSTS AREN'T CUTE” – but this article sucked so much less than your other “I Hate” articles. In fact, this one didn't suck at all. I can breathe easy now.

    • Molls

      Cool 'tude. Thanks, brother.

  • inflammatorywrit

    And this is why everyone should write by WASTE.

    • madamepsychosis

      tristero?

  • Anono Myss

    Racism, much?

    “I found all of this to be extremely odd, especially since the guy looks like what I’d imagine Snoop Dogg’s grandfather to look like. I’d expect that Snoop Dogg’s grandfather would be very chill.”

    …so because your mailman looks mildly identical to Snoop, you think he should be super chill? Please, don't litter the site with garbage articles if you plan on exposing your prejudice.

    Your articles just continue to get worst and worst…

    • Reallyyyydude

      really.

    • Popdatshist

      I don't know. I don't read it as racist. I mean, I guess we can talk about the origins of the word “chill” and perhaps it arose from the African American community, so perhaps her use of the word implies race. But, by any metric, Snoop Dogg is one cool customer. Leave aside race for a moment and just consider the man himself. It wouldn't be a stretch to assume the coolness (chillness?) would run in his family. This is just a silly, fun creative thought put on paper. I don't think there was any race measurement involved in drawing this comparison, although I would allow that the “chill” term could have an implied aspect.

    • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

      Racism is the belief that there are inherent differences in people's traits and capacities which are entirely due to their race, however defined, and which consequently justify those people being treated differently, both socially and legally. (WP)

      I sincerely don't think she meant to imply any of this. Nor do I think, honestly, that you'd have made a similar charge if her mailman happened to be some fat, lazy, Dago-Russo-Mick who never managed to get her packages to her and always had excuses thereto.

      I suppose by hating her mailman for his ineptitude — a justifiable, personal, and focused hatred — she must hate an entire group of people?

      This must be why she ends the article with her intentions of moving to Colorado, to get away from “those people”? Or maybe what she really meant to say is that she'll move to somewhere like Alabama where “those people” are “still in their place”? (Not really.)

      Or weren't you just being a prick who really had nothing to say, but found something to say anyway?

      http://www.amazon.com/Black-Ki?tag=thougcatal0c-20

      In short, your exceptionally, purposefully, indignantly thin skin — on a macro scale — serves only to ruin this country and make people afraid of stepping on their own damn shadow for fear of offending someone.

      Meanwhile, within 100 miles of you, another real tragedy happens and you pay it no heed, no rage, no filibusterous gargantuan dose of dildo-matic self-love.

      Nope, you just whistle on, anonymous and FULL OF SHIT.

      • http://twitter.com/la_lovenest I'm an Ashlee

        if it wasn't about race, then why did she mention what he looked like? if this post is about hating her mailman, then the obvious thing to do would be to outline and describe his behavior and or malicious intent. but she did not do that. she discussed his appearance, his possessions, his tendency to be anti-social, and questioned his work ethic. all of which have nothing to do with her.

    • http://zachdionne.tumblr.com Zach Dionne

      False.

  • sarahenovak

    This article was very amusing. I have a postman at my apartment that is similar to yours, delivering mail and packages is a pretty serious job, they should hire people who are actually up for the tremendous task.

    • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

      It's actually unbelievably hard to get on with the PO, and it's a pretty shitty job for a long time. If he's as old as she describes, he's probably close to retirement and bitter about almost not getting paid a couple weeks back. I know I was pretty bitter about that.

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    do you live in williamsburg? notorious. one of the worst post offices in america. true story.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=856695260 Sam Sigelakis- Minski

    The postmen are similarly awful in Philadelphia, honestly. And sometimes they don't even leave the slips, and you have to go online to find your tracking number.

  • http://twitter.com/la_lovenest I'm an Ashlee

    you're racist, ignorant, and immature. please get a fucking life.

    • Molly

      Get over yourself.

      • popdatshist

        YOU!

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