End of the World To-Do List

So the world’s ending, on May 21st? Is that what’s going on?  Scary! If I died tomorrow, I think I’d be happy with what I’ve done in my life. I’ve had meaningful friendships and relationships, learned how to ride a unicycle, graduated from college, and voted for Barack Obama. One time I accidentally started a small but impassioned student revolution at my alma mater, and another time, I bought Amy Sedaris four grilled cheeses! (Long story.)

But there’s a lot that I haven’t done that I’d like to do. And time is running low. So, within the next few days, I must:

  • Pick oranges on a Kibbutz in Israel.
  • Drink vodka in St. Petersburg.
  • Have a picnic under the Eiffel Tower.
  • Figure out a really concise way of explaining to people what I can do with a master’s in Gender and Cultural Studies.
  • Have an incredibly pleasant and paranoia-free acid trip.
  • Become a notary. Look: apocalypse begins, people are gonna need to figure legal shit out. I’ll be in high demand, and won’t ever be alone!
  • Read Anna Karenina and maybe Ulysses, if I, ya know… feel like it.
  • Get a truly good night’s sleep.
  • Work as an historical actor at Colonial Williamsburg.
  • Be a participant on some panel titled something like “On Form and Syntax: Poets Talking about Poetry” and talk about enjambment with my hands gesticulating and my eyes partially closed.
  • See my trivia team, Matt Saracen’s LiveStrong Bracelet, go all the way.
  • Become an internationally feared art thief.
  • Learn to play the ukulele. Related: learn to spell ukulele correctly on the first go.
  • Get to use my family anecdote. (You see, my family has this story: one time my dad’s friend took her mom to go see Fiddler on the Roof, and after, she said “Ma, did it remind you of the old country?” And her mom said “Frankly, I don’t remember so much singing and dancing.” The only thing my family loves more than this story is talking about how there’s never a good opportunity to squeeze this little hyuk-hyuk into conversation. I will find a way! Holy cow, DID I JUST DO IT?!)
  • Stand in a wheat field wearing a peasant dress and holding a red balloon.
  • Write the next great American novel. Jonathan Franzen will fold up his glasses and sit back in his desk chair and be like “Well, fuck it, I guess” and never write again. The New York Times will write a glowing review that contains the phrases “answers the questions we are too afraid to ask aloud” and “language so delicate yet heartbreakingly powerful you’ll feel like a waifish ballerina punched you in the face.”
  • Say with utter gravitas to someone who’s wronged me “How. Daaare. You.”
  • Have a rundown but endearing little yellow cottage in Ithaca or Providence or somewhere “cute” and fill it with Quimper plates and Le Creuset pots and books and maps and armchairs and old cups of tea and have the neighborhood kids call me Mrs. Labell even though I’m unmarried and 22.
  • Orgasm vaginally. TC mark


More From Thought Catalog

  • http://www.facebook.com/CaseyJonesATX Casey Jones

    *adds Molly Labell on facebook*

  • anonymous

    Awesome. Totally awesome.

  • http://twitter.com/joshliburdi Josh Liburdi

    was going to leave a snarky comment about all of these rapture posts, but I really liked this.

  • Grandmaster Ratte'

    A challenger appears!


  • http://twitter.com/moselmensch D.P. O'Connell

    Thank you for this amazing list, Mrs. Labell.

  • SusanDerkins

    You should totally read Anna Karenina. I've been doing it for two years.

  • http://twitter.com/becki_says_rawr Becki Barlow

    i play ukulele, if you get your hands on one and watch a couple of youtube video tutorials you'll have sorted that one :) really easy to master, i am the most unmusical person on the earth and i did it

  • http://twitter.com/becki_says_rawr Becki Barlow

    i play ukulele, if you get your hands on one and watch a couple of youtube video tutorials you'll have sorted that one :) really easy to master, i am the most unmusical person on the earth and i did it

  • Dan

    How's voting for Obama a thing to be proud of? The only thing that would suck if the world really did end is that I wouldn't be able to kick Obama out of office in 2012 D:

    • Denites

      Lol you're one of *those* people.

      • Dan

        What do you mean by *those* people? You mean people with a brain? Yeah.

      • http://profiles.google.com/amaviena Amanda Viers

        try again.

      • Bone

        dan you're so corny wtf

    • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

      there is a 76% chance that you have no idea what you're talking about. 
      just complain in the corner with Beck & O'Reilly and the rest of the FOX News Team.
      get off thought catalog.

      • Daniel Zabolotny

        Actually, I know exactly what I'm talking about. If you think I base all my views off of Fox News, that's just ignorant of you. I base my views on the policies of the parties, and the policies of the Republican party generally appeal more to me than those of the Democratic Party.

        Oh and I'm sorry, I didn't see a “No Republicans” sign anywhere on the site, so why are you telling me to leave? Can't handle an opposing opinion?

      • Pfft

        that would probably be because your parents pay your rent, you piece of shit. why are you even reading this? SLUMMING IT? go fuck off and die. seriously.
        oh and btw here's your sign:


        now leave.

      • http://dzine-studios.com Dan

        I'm not leaving just because you said so. I'm having way too much fun on this site :D Also, what did you mean by “slumming it?”

    • Pfft

      i also hope that you fall and drown in a river.

      • http://dzine-studios.com Dan


  • jesus

    well done, mrs. labell. Well done.

  • http://profiles.google.com/amaviena Amanda Viers

    Mrs. Labia? ORGASM!

  • Shwa

    Hooray for Ithaca!  And I love

  • Waicool

    hey Kia, do i have to get off thought catalog if my thoughts are different than yours or Molly's?  is it thought catalog or thought police?

  • http://someharddrugs.blogspot.com Carolyn DeCarlo

    technically, the rapture is may 21. the world doesn't end til october 21.

  • Lmw260

    YAY! You are lovely!

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