I recently used the “N” word towards a black man in an aggressive manner. By the way I hate referring to it as the “N” word, I would rather not have to refer to it at all. When anyone says “the N word” it just reminds me of “He Who Must Not Be Named”.
Now I am a completely privileged white, WHITE girl who, as it turns out, has an extreme attraction and preference for black men and have been in relationships with a few. However, I am not a white girl who thinks it’s okay to use this word around or towards any black person no matter the context or situation. However, I was near blacked out and now thinking back on the situation, I’m asking myself, how fucked up was that really? Was it that bad that I used that word? The answer I came up with is yes, it is fucked up and it is that bad.
A little background on the situation…I found out that a man who I was dating last year had impregnated another girl while we were still dating and I found this out after he tried to date me again this year after we had broke it off last year. The reasons we broke up last year were not relevant to the pregnancy. A little confusing, I know. Then at this exact moment on the same night, I find out that a man who I had known for a few years and had texted me a couple weeks prior saying how special I was blah blah blah, was actually dating someone. Both of these men are black. So, what do I do? Me being such a rational thinker when I’m angry and drinking no less, I send a text message that included the phrase, “I’m so sick of these fucking n***as, who…”. I’m sure you can only imagine what the rest of the text said. Needless to say he was not happy. After sending multiple apology texts the next day, I got no response, which didn’t really surprise me. All that remained was a pit in my stomach filled with shame and regret.
I shared the whole story with my sister and this is what she told me, “You don’t sound racist, you sound like you think you’re a black woman.” Now, to me that sounds racist. That I think I’m a black woman that can talk to black men in the same way just because I’ve dated a few and been royally fucked over by them. I have in no way earned the right to use that word and it was completely inappropriate for me to think that was okay or excusable, even if it was in one of my darkest moments. I have dated a man, who’s exact words were, “you fuck with n***as, so you can say it.” However, even after he “gave me permission” to say one of the most hated words in America, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had been trained from birth, coming from a democratic/progressive family, never to ever use that word, so I was disappointed, to say the least, that I had the audacity to actually say it to a black man.
In my opinion, I don’t think that anyone who isn’t black should use this word. I think they’ve more than earned the right to call each other whatever the hell they please, but no one else has. I have never felt so classless, terrible, and unintelligent than I did after saying that word to someone. Don’t get me wrong, I slip up sometimes and sing along with my favorite rappers, but I’m always alone and it’s not directed towards anyone. Then again, maybe that’s the reason why it slipped so easily out of my mouth. I would love to blame Kendrick, Schoolboy, and A$AP, but I don’t think I can. I don’t think I can get off that easily with this one.
This is my public apology that I’m hoping will make me feel a little better, since the man involved wouldn’t accept it. This is my apology for being a privileged white girl and thinking I could use a word that was used to keep black people down in America and actually still is. An apology for thinking I’m a progressive, smart, and classy person, but ultimately proving myself wrong.