You learn the most about yourself when you have to glue your own pieces back together. Of course, you never look quite the same, but those cracks we are an inherent part of who we are. The glue makes us stronger than we were before, sometimes it just takes longer than we thought to harden. We can’t let the fear of pain keep us down, we cannot let it win. Sometimes the fear from uncertainty washes over me like an icy tidal wave, freezing me to the very core. We spend so much of our lives planning for these moments in our lives and they fall apart right in front of our eyes.
Too often I find that reality does not line up with the romanticized ideas in my mind. I envision these grand events occurring in place of the usual mundane situations, and compare my reality to them with disappointment. I know I should lower my expectations, but where is the fun in that? No one knows what will happen, so why can’t it be something great? We all make plans, and follow them to the best of our abilities but then we’re struck by reality. We live in a messy world, surrounded by messier people that change us and shape us in ways we don’t even realize until it is already too late. Not all the change is bad, some of it can be really great (or so I am told) but sometimes it is hard to see the good while the dust is still settling.
There are times where I have my heart unchangingly set on something for months but in a brief instant something clicks causing me to change my mind. I can be consumed with the fantastic idea of running away and getting my fresh start that I’ve longed for, that I don’t see the amazing things I have right now. I’m am so afraid of getting trapped, that I end up unable to move forward. I don’t know which way to go, and my fear takes a relentless grasp on my life and I can’t shake it and move forward.
Sometimes my desire to run away controls my mind, and I’ll do irrational things. “I’m young and if not now, when?”, but I’ll still be young tomorrow, and next year, and for years after that. I can be young until I want to be old. I keep thinking that I need to fit everything in now before I “enter the real world”, but who is to say adventure won’t be there? I can’t be sure of what will happen, and what I’ll get the opportunity to do later, but I don’t need to hastily do everything now, when I can wait a few years a do it right. Why go on a trip alone, when I could go on a trip with people I love one day. Why must I explore the world before I meet the love of my life, and not with him?
We cannot control the external factors that effect us so we must learn to accept them for what they are. Does that mean we plan on failure? No, but we cannot let our tunnel vision keep us blind to the changes around us. We cannot let fear stop us from doing what can change us for the better. If we don’t take that leap of faith, we may miss out on the life we deserve. The “what-ifs” can have us question everything, but we will never get all the answers. We must learn to live with that fact and we must learn to really live our lives.