Yeah, that’s right ABC Family, I have cracked your scientific equation for your fantastically cheesy holiday romantic comedies. I am here now to share the wonders of love that I have discovered by binge watching ABC Family original holiday movies. They are horribly cliche, and I love every minute. For the first half of the movie, I’m busy pointing out every realistic flaw, but by the end, I am screaming at my computer for her to go after the one she loves (whom she met like four days ago) So here are just a few of the tidbits of knowledge I have acquired whilst watching these soon to be classics.
It’s incredibly easy to get a business job, when I’m undercover really only looking for love. Dating every guy in the office will not have people look down upon me. All I need to do is completely lie about every skill on my resume, pretend I know the software, and dress in bright colors and tight skirts, and I’ll be able to wow the pants of ever business man there…literally.
If I am a a cold-hearted advertising or public relations executive, nothing will melt my heart quite like the holidays will. According to every ABC Family holiday movie I have seen, if I am a successful business woman, I will have a heart of ice, there is no doubt about that. There is clearly no way to balance both a successful career, and a healthy relationship. I’m so glad these movies told me that now, image the years I would have wasted trying to follow my dreams and maintain a relationship.
If I am with a man, he is obviously a jerk, and doesn’t love me as he should. He is some executive big shot who cares more about his job, than he does me because business men are not capable of love. No matter how great I think the relationship is, it is all a lie and I must dump him for someone poor and unable to hold down a real job. That is how it works. I must also quit my successful job to be with this struggling artist/waiter/bartender, because that just makes sense, after all, money does grow on trees, right?
If I hire a man to be my fiancé for a weekend, we will end up falling in love, it is inevitable. My real fiancé will dump me a week before thanksgiving and not wanting my family to see me alone, I will pay a stranger I met online with a free trip for two to Mexico to pretend to be him for the holiday weekend. In the end, my ex boyfriend will come back and I’ll realize that I hate the man I almost married, and I am really in love with the one I was bribed into pretending to love me.
The only thing my family will ever want for me is to meet a nice man and settle down with him, and they will not love me anymore if this does not happen before age 30. They won’t care about my success in life, unless its successfully popping out grandkids. Now coming from a Jewish family, this one isn’t entirely false. My sister was fortunate enough to meet the love of her life before she even got to college, I on the other hand am the perpetually single one, with the great taste in guys. And by great, I mean absolutely horrible, horrible taste. I can see why paying someone to date me might even be worth it, if it’ll end the constant questions. “No, I am not dating anyone right now and no, I am not a lesbian”. Maybe that movie was on to something…
The one real lesson that these movies may have taught me is that there is hope. You just have to be open to finding it around you. You never know who will share an elevator ride with you, and end up changing your life. So I’ll keep that in mind every time I get a strange snow globe at my door, or my neighbor brings home pizza. And thanks ABC Family, for giving me hope, and lessons I can take with me for life.