5 Things I’m Going To Blame On Mercury Retrograde Rather Than Actually Trying To Fix My Own Life

A visual representation of how my life is going right now.

As you probably already know, Mercury is in retrograde until August 19th.


During this time, things tend to go to shit for a lot of people. I’m not exactly sure the astrological reason for this, but ya know, that doesn’t mean I can’t use it as an excuse for all my problems rather than trying to fix my own life!

For example, see the following list of totally mendable areas in my life that I’m going to completely ignore and instead attribute to the stars. Join me as I share all the ways my life is currently falling apart and how it’s totally not my fault, like, at all.

1. My abysmal bank account.

$65 I don’t have spent at Sephora? #MercuryRetrogradeMadeMeDoIt

Went over grocery budget? #Mercury #Retrograde

Hoping my debit card goes through every time I swipe it? MERCURYYYYYY!!!!!!

2. My inability to say no to spaghetti/French fries/wine/tequila shots/generally anything that’s a bad idea for my peace of mind.

What is self-control? Nothing when the forces of Mercury are going apeshit, amirite? Now that that’s out of the way, pass the Jose with a side of regret and lime, please! While I’m at it, I’ll text that dude I was SoOOoooo over last week and see how his day is going!!! Hehe, I’m so random.

3. Repeatedly getting involved with men who it will literally never work with.

Completely and utterly uninterested? Emotionally unavailable? Pete Davidson? Sign me the fuck up. Love to see it. Here for it.

4. Putting together a nightstand incorrectly even though I had directions and there were only like five parts.

I put the legs on the wrong side of the base, so now the top of the nightstand is just sitting on top and I’m just hoping it stays put. So far, it’s only fallen off once. If I only hadn’t put it together during retrograde, I wouldn’t have rushed and it would be nice and secure.

A visual for your reference:

looks legit, but that shit is not on safely

5. Overreacting to pretty much everything.

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Molly Burford

Writer. Editor. Hufflepuff. Dog person.

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