I Almost Texted You Today

God & Man

I almost texted you today.

I almost asked you how you were doing or what you were up to on Saturday night. I almost told you how I heard that one song on the radio and how it made me think of you and wondered if you’d heard it too. I almost wrote out a message saying how much I missed you, a pixelated confession laced with nostalgia and longing as if any of my words would make some kind of difference.

But I didn’t.

Instead, I closed my phone, threw it on my bed, and walked away.

What do you do with someone who you share so much history with but no future? What do you do when things end with words left unsaid, with feelings left unmended?

I think the correct answer is nothing at all, but I’ve never been good at letting things be. I’ve never been very good at letting go.

And so, I write pieces like this.

I’m not sure when things got so bad between us. The timeline is jagged and it’s hard to keep up with the trajectory of our downfall. But it’s something like this:

A late summer bonfire. Birthdays. Christmas. New Year’s. St. Patrick’s Day. Canada. Unreturned texts. New apartments. Sitting opposite of one another on your bed while I told you what I felt and you letting me down gently. Dancing together, leaving the bar. Fighting. Time apart. Hoping we’re gonna be okay. Accepting that we might not be. So much to say and unsure when or where to start.

It’s funny how things can change so rapidly, as though years never actually happened and promises of sticking around no longer mean shit. Because you said you weren’t going anywhere, and even though I still believe you, it’s not you I’m worried about.

It’s me. I don’t think I can stay.

Too much has happened. 

Which brings me to now, a day when I almost texted you, but I quickly remembered that I no longer have a reason to.

I don’t think there’s anything left to say. TC mark

Molly Burford

Writer. Editor. Hufflepuff. Dog person.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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