HEY! It is I, the perpetually single friend who won’t stop giving dating advice! No one has ever loved me and vice versa, but I’m gonna tell you this right now: leave him! Or I’ll switch things up and let you know that YOU. DESERVE. BETTER. That’s what I’m supposed to say, right? That’s what I saw in The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants. OH, AND I’LL TEXT YOU THIS IN ALL CAPS TOO SO YOU KNOW I’M INVESTED IN YOUR LOVE LIFE. After all, I don’t have one of my own, hahaha. I’m lonely!
I hear your relationship is getting a little tricky? Don’t worry, I’m here for you even though you never asked me to be! I closely followed the course of Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian’s relationship so I know a thing or two about fucked up situations.
Again, I know you never really asked me what I thought, but don’t worry. I’m here to give you my unsolicited, totally unrelated and uninformed opinion anyway. Because that’s what good friends do. I mean, yeah, I haven’t been on a date in like 26 years and probably couldn’t (read: couldn’t) tell you the first thing about a healthy relationship but I have some thoughts that you’re going to hear whether you like it or not. These vary, but include:
- Just be honest with your feelings
- If he wants you, you’ll know
- Guys are dicks, dude
- You can do better!!!
- Love is patient, love is kind
- Ugh wanna get drunk on wine or something
- He’s not worth your time
- Do you like him or just the idea of him? *sips wine as if this has never been said before*
- “You is kind, you is smart, you is important”
I’m so glad we had this talk and I’m sure it really helped you. I really hope you learned something from my wisdom about something I’ve never even experienced and at this rate probably never will!
So back to the most important order of business: are you gonna finish your fries? 
