Where Each Zodiac Sign Ends Up At The Super Bowl Party

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Adrian Curiel

Aries

Just drunk.

An Aries could give a shit about the game, they’re just in attendance to drink free booze and get hammered. You can find them wherever the bar is, shooting the shit and challenging everyone to chugging contests.

Taurus

Eating the entire dish they originally brought to share.

Possessive Taurus will stay camped out in the kitchen, guarding their Pigs In Blankets, telling everyone they “messed it up” so no one will eat any and they can have it all to themselves.

Gemini

Hitting on everyone and everything.

There’s only one game a Gemini is concerned about on Super Bowl Sunday and that’s their own. A Gemini will be doing their best to take someone home, flirting with whoever will play ball.

Cancer

At home.

A Cancer won’t even bother showing up to the function because they would rather be at home watching the Puppy Bowl with a bowl of popcorn and a glass of wine.

Leo

Fixating about whether or not they’re the hottest person at the party.

They’ll also be incredibly concerned about whether the jersey they wore is getting them enough attention from their crush or not. If not, will find other ways to catch their eye, such as pretending they know a lot about football or laughing loudly at the bar with someone else to try and make them jealous.

Virgo

Binge-drinking Bud Light all night and complaining about how pointless and stupid football is.

Because, like, what is the point of a bunch of sweaty men running into each other and chasing after a stupid ball and potentially getting life-ruining concussions????? Do not understand, do not get it.

Libra

Only at the party for the commercials. 

Football makes gentle Libra nervous with all the tackling and what not, so they’ll be camped out by the bar or the snacks until it’s a commercial break, their favorite part of the entire evening.

Scorpio

Yelling at the TV every time the ref makes what they consider to be a “shit call.”

Because a Scorpio always knows best and become outraged when the referee makes a call against their team. Because it is fucking bullshit, SUSAN!!!! GOD.

Sagittarius

Just being a goddamn instigator and egging on all the hardcore football fans because they think it’s funny. 

They don’t really think football is all the interesting, so to entertain themselves they’ll try and start shit with everyone else as their own form of amusement. Can’t win ’em all!

Capricorn

Only watching the game for the half-time show.

They’ll be counting down the minutes until they get to see Justin Timberlake return to the Super Bowl stage, Snapchatting the entire performance with generic captions like “incredible performance.”

Aquarius

Complaining that no one else wants to watch the Puppy Bowl.

Because there’s nothing an Aquarius loves more than a good cause, and the Puppy Bowl is as good as one as any. Because all the dogs are up for adoption and it’s just so great!!!!!

Pisces

Crying over a commercial that featured dogs being reunited with their owners.

And, of course, you’ll find Pisces in their truest form: sobbing into a bowl of chips and salsa while some beer company pulls at their heartstrings yet again with an advertisement featuring a golden retriever finally returning home. Just beautiful. TC mark

Molly Burford

Writer. Editor. Hufflepuff. Dog person.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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