I tripped over another boy’s smile not too long ago. It was warm and it was kind, immediately throwing me off balance and into a longing that could not and would not be returned. It was a familiar scene, a rerun I was bored of watching. An exchange I was sick of having.
Bandaids came in the form of wine and friends, comforting words that I would find another boy whose grin would knock me and my heart over again. I knew they were right.
I would find another. I always do. But they never stay.
One bruise simply just leads to another. One heartbreak expedites the next.
Some suggest that maybe I’m just going for the wrong men, that maybe if I gave the ones who truly cared for me a chance, I would find something to work out. They could be right, but then again they act like we have a choice in who we fall for. That our hearts are rational, steady entities that beat correctly when we command them to. And this just isn’t the case, especially when you have a clumsy heart like mine.
Because when you’re the girl with the clumsy heart, you fall more quickly and more easily.
You always overestimate another person’s commitment or interest, and take a flying leap hoping to land in their arms. But your judgment is always off, and you and your clumsy heart land around thirty feet off, in the thorns of rejection.
And while you’re laying there, you start to wonder why you bother. Why would anyone keep exposing themselves to this kind of heartache and pain? And for a while you may lose hope, but with this hurt comes strength, and with that you give yourself the bravery to stand up and fall again.
And one day you’ll run into another clumsy heart, and the two of you will stumble into a love so wonderfully uncoordinated and sincere that all the other scars will have been worth it. All that hurt, all those missteps led you to him.
I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for that kind of collision.
So, I’m picking myself back up and getting ready for that beautiful fall. And from one clumsy heart to another, I hope that you feel this way again soon, too.