1. Having no idea how to talk to coworkers about their kids
Chances are that some of your co workers have reproduced, and these offspring will probably come up in conversation. As someone who was basically a kid themselves three months ago, you’re not exactly sure how to talk them about their little humans; that doesn’t mean you don’t try, though: “Oh, you have a kid? They’re 6? Can it talk yet? Is it potty trained?” You’re literally clueless.
2. IKEA furniture
If you’ve moved into your own place after getting your first job, studies show that 88% of your furniture will be from IKEA. The remaining 12% will be what you’ve copped from relatives. IKEA is great, as it’s majestically cheap, but it’s also fucking awful because the directions may as well have been written in Sanskrit. Assembling the furniture makes you question whether or not you deserve your college degree because putting together a $13 nightstand took 11 hours and destroyed you emotionally.
3. Learning how to casually drink
Gone are the weekends of beer bongs and the two hour pregame before you head to the bar to dance the night away with your best friends. This is adulthood, baby, and adulthood is all about occasionally going to happy hour with your co workers to slowly sip on a single, overpriced “craft” cocktail with a unique blend of bitters (?) and vodka that isn’t under $7 a fifth.
4. The First Job 15
Never heard of the First Job 15? It’s similar to the Freshman 15, but it happens after you start your first job and spend your days sitting on your ass for 8 hours at a time and eating all the free bagels your well meaning, sabotaging co workers bring in because you’re still used to being in college and eating food just because it was free and not for nutritional value.
5. Coping with the constant fear that you’re going to get fired
Literally everything you do you think is going to get you fired. Did you say no thank you to those godforsaken bagels your co worker brought in because you’re 3,764 pounds heavier because of the first 10? FIRED. Didn’t smile big enough to your boss on Monday? PACK YOUR SHIT. Said you’re proficient in Excel on your resume, but by proficient you mean you know how to make a three column table? BYE FELICIA.
6. Accepting the fact that you’re going to make a shit ton of mistakes in your newly found adulthood, and that’s perfectly OK
You’re going to mess up; you’re going to mess up a lot. You may feel like you don’t know what you’re doing. You may start to feel like you’ll never feel like you know what you’re doing. And maybe you won’t. And that’s okay because what you may start to learn is that nobody really knows what they’re doing, but what separates one clueless person from another is the drive to keep trying to figure it out, even if it means being wrong. Even if no results are guaranteed. So keeping screwing up. Keep learning. You’ll be okay. After all, you already are.