To The One Who Everyone Thinks Ruined Me

Maybe you did. Maybe you damaged how I see the world.

Just maybe you took something that I wanted to believe in so badly and set it on fire, put it in my hands, and walked away.

Let’s forget about first loves. You could have been my 4th or 5th love and what happened between us would have left me torn limb from limb just the same.

You think that you took the high road by never speaking to me again.

That isn’t true. You haven’t dealt with your pain like I have. You haven’t stood and looked fear and anger and disappointment directly in the eyes like I have. You ran away. As usual, hiding behind another relationship that cannot and will not ever work out because your demons are far, far more detrimental to your well-being than mine. You hide from your sexuality and it makes me sad for you.

You’re a fraud. A fake.

I loved you with an innocence that I will never get back

But you did NOT ruin me. You were my morning day and night and I wanted all of you forever, while you wanted everyone else for a short period of time. I had no idea.

I regret every month, minute and day spent on you

I am more cautious of the people I give my time to, because I can’t be one of those people who say they ‘don’t regret the time spent learning a lesson’. I regret every day I spent with you. I regret every year of my youth that I wasted being lied to by you. Unfortunately, I was fooled by the worst kind of person. It’s difficult some days to remember that you were the worst of them and that not everyone is like you. Not everyone has a secret agenda or secret life that they keep tucked so far down that they have fooled themselves into believing their own lies.

Now I know the difference

Now I can tell the difference between a genuinely good person and someone who is just after everyone’s attention. You just wanted to be liked. You were so ashamed of being sexually confused that you focused all of your energy on getting people to like you. Until the dark parts of yourself that you kept so hidden from the world would come up and suffocate you to the point that you couldn’t ignore them and you would indulge in your curiosity behind my back.

It would have been different if you would have been honest about who you were. But finding out on my own, by accident, made me feel like I was looking at a stranger. And you knew it.

And nothing has ever hurt more and I think what I need to remember is that nothing ever will.

The worst is over and I am so thankful for that. You didn’t ruin me, you were the worst part of my life that is finally out of the way.