We’ve all been there right girls? We’ve all been stood in a random guy’s bathroom first thing in the morning, desperately looking for anything that will help sort out that scary reflection in the mirror – last night’s mascara smeared all over your face, lips still puffy from a night of hardcore making out, a nice little bird’s nest at the back of your head; a result of rampant thrusting and heavy banging.
Last night might have been a good one but this morning… This morning isn’t so pretty. Why aren’t guys ever more prepared for this kind of thing? Why aren’t there more guys with a spare toothbrush and a packet of baby wipes in the bathroom?
Single lads – surely you’re planning on taking girls home at some point? If you met her in a bar, what on earth do you think she’s going to look like the next morning? Without the beer goggles and minus makeup, she might not be the beautiful Britney you thought you’d taken home… She might be 2007 Britney – the one that lost her mind and looked a total fright.
These are the things I wish one-night-stand guys knew – not just the one-night-stand guys either, the booty call guys, the potential boyfriends, the actual boyfriends, in fact any guy that is ever planning on taking a girl home.
Please have makeup remover wipes or at least baby wipes in the bathroom. The last thing I want to do with a raging hangover and no caffeine inside me is try to remove my 24 hour wear mascara with just three squares of toilet roll and some water from the tap. Unless you want to kick Scary Mary out of your house the next morning, please have something to assist me in sorting out last night’s shagged-off makeup.
Oh, some dry shampoo wouldn’t go amiss either. My hair may have looked beautiful and glossy last night but this morning, not only is there a bird’s nest at the back where I was tossing and turning my head around your bed half the night, but it looks like I’ve been deep fried, with greasy roots that no one wants to be seen with.
The chances are we probably won’t ask you why you have those things in your bathroom because we are so relieved you won’t see our morning-after horror to care, but if we do you should say they belong to a sister that stayed recently, a female friend and her boyfriend that came over, or your ex-girlfriend that you broke up with at least three months ago. We do not and I repeat DO NOT want to know they are there to make your plentiful night guests happy. We know we are probably one in a long line but we don’t need the information verified, thank you very much.
We don’t need to find anyone else’s underwear, clothing, jewelry or anything else either. Be a good boy and hide it before you go out. Why would you still have that stuff out on display anyway?
Please have mints by the bed. We know that asking you to buy multiple packets of toothbrushes is probably a lot to ask (plus if you have a whole bunch of toothbrushes, we know that you’re a ‘playa’ and will be massively put off) but we do suffer with morning breath just like you do. You do know how bad you smell, right? We are girls, we don’t like to smell and we’re sure you wouldn’t want to kiss us when we smell either. Please have gum or mints somewhere in your room where we will easily find it when you run out for the loo.
You must have a clean t-shirt handy. Firstly it’s presumptuous to assume we’re going to sleep naked. We might be a sure thing but we don’t want to know you know that. Secondly when we wake up first thing in the morning desperately needing a pee, we don’t know whose house we are in or who else lives there. We do not want to be running around naked or in last night’s party dress, trying to find the right door for the bathroom. If we’re accidentally going to open your mother’s bedroom door and come face to face with her, we definitely don’t want it to be naked. Yes, that has actually happened.
Don’t feed us a load of crap. We don’t want to hear about how much you’re looking for a relationship to get into bed with you, especially if it’s all lies. There’s no need to lie to us. We don’t need to know that we are only going to be a one-night thing either. Keep it cool. You don’t actually know we aren’t ‘the one’ yet and let’s face it, you’re probably not going to be ‘the one’ for us either.
Just so you know, I married a one night stand. I left him four years later but that’s not the point.
Dudes – always, always, always have toilet paper in your bathroom. This should go without saying. If you don’t have toilet paper, you don’t deserve to get laid.
Oh condoms are a must-have too. No condoms, no sex. It’s as simple as that. Or it should be. Too many STI’s, people; too many unwanted pregnancies.
Bedroom / house cleanliness is important and there’s a fine line. If your house looks like a show-house with nothing out of place, we’re either going to think you were EXPECTING to take someone (anyone) home that night or we’re going to think you don’t actually live there.
However, if it’s too untidy with crap all over the place and a weird smell, we won’t come inside. Do you remember that episode of Friends when Ross went back to a girl’s house and it was disgusting and he couldn’t bring himself to stay with her…. Just don’t be a skank, that’s all I’m saying.
If you’re a professional at this one-night-stand business, you’ll have at least one of each charger in your home – one android (standard cable for most android and windows phones these days) and one iPhone charger somewhere in your house. iPhones have no battery life whatsoever and she’s going to be screwed in the morning without her phone. It’s just gentlemanly. It’s a digital age. Think of it as digital romance.
Right, at the very least please offer to call her AND offer to pay for her cab in the morning. You took her home and she probably drank the last of her cash when she was buying you drinks and laughing at the end of the night. It’s hardly fair for her to need to do that godawful walk of shame home in ripped stockings and shagged-all-night hair while you’re jerking off to great memories of her in the shower.
It’s time for the awkward bit…. You really should message her at least once to thank her for such a great night even if you have no intentions of dating her. Something light and breezy, not something that will sound like she’s being ‘ditched’. Plus you never know, she might become a regular booty call if you play your cards right and you can never have too many of those.
It’s easy for you guys when you wake up in a strange girl’s house. You simply splash some water on your face, get your pants on and leave. It’s really not that easy for girls. If you wanna be winning at one-night-stands, try some of these tips.
Trust me – she’ll really appreciate it the morning after the night before!