30 Incredible Tips On How To Make Middle Eastern Friends

Image – Flickr / muslimpage

Culture barriers are a bitch so follow my instructions and you’ll make tons of Middle Eastern friends. Actually, this is valid with most brown skinned people.

1. If you’re a guy grow a beard. If you don’t have beard they will think that you’re a weird person, filthy, and untrustworthy. If you over grow the beard then you’re considered religious and the more religious, the more facial hair. If you have a nice facial hair than you’re trust worthy and cool.

2. Have some garlic for Heaven’s sake, it’s good for you!

3. Add olive oil to all of your food; carry a bottle of olive oil for emergencies! Olive oil could help with a lot. It’s good for your hair, you could put some of it on your skin, and you could eat it with pita bread! People use olive oil to treat all diseases flu-cancer and all in between.

4. You need to understand that all Middle Eastern people have at least one relative who is a doctor, because they call dentists doctors, and to them anyone with a white jacket is a doctor! Wal-Mart fridge workers are included. “Heay Doc, where can I find Halal chicken?”

5. Talk politics. If you don’t talk about politics you are very likely to be a woman unless you’re really good with card games or board games, then you’re cool.

6. Smoke – it’s good for you! Ok, if it’s not good for you, you are not going to live forever! Hookah is not even smoke, it’s dried fruits.

7. Be ready to eat hummus any time.

8. Don’t talk about your sexual identity. They’d never guess that you’re homosexual. Back where they are from all homosexual people either died or are in jail until they recover!

9. Put some cologne on, you smell like garlic!

10. Don’t be Republican. It doesn’t matter how rich you are – be anti-capitalism.

11. Most of Middle Eastern people don’t really understand what race is. So if they call you black or white they only talk about your skin color, not your race. Remember Middle Easterns are really colorful people. They come in all colors!

12. Don’t stare at their sisters! That could be dangerous! When you talk to a Middle Eastern women look away or look at the floor. If you stare at their eyes for more than 1 sec. they’d assume that you’re a rapist, and they’d start running away!

13. Being over weight is a good sign of health and wealth. So if you’re fat, be rich. If a Middle Eastern call you fat, please take it, they say that all the time. In their culture it’s not bad to be over weight. It’s cute; they think you’re fluffy and adorable. Middle Easterns love fat babies. If their child is not over weight they’d take them to the doctor to be checked. If you lose weight they’d think that you are dying soon.

14. Respect old people. They know everything. Always agree with them in all they say, they’ve lived longer than you, daah.

15. Respect women who respect themselves! The rule goes like this “When a kid see a candy on the ground he’ll eat it.” If a women show some cleavage, boys and men get mixed up.

16. Blame Satan when you do something wrong.  “Oh God, its Satan who told me to do so”.

17. Don’t ever brag about anything but school grades and cars. If you have a nice car it’s ok to talk about it 24-7. If you’re an A student you’re so close to being holy.

18. Be clean or be dead. Middle Eastern moms kill their children for not cleaning their rooms; they call it “honor killing.”

19. Play soccer; don’t hit their butt when they score. If you ever hit their butt, your new Middle Eastern friend might freeze for ten seconds and then tell everyone that you were trying to have sex with them!

20. Soccer is the best game in the world. Football is good because you get to hit the guy you hate as hard as you could!

21. Never drive an SUV. Toyota four cylinders means you’re getting married soon.

22. Middle Eastern moms call 10 times a day. “Did you eat? Why you sound sick? Are you ok? Is this a woman next to you?! Sweaty you know we kill you if you make girlfriend! Or you get AIDS!”

23. DO NOT raise your feet on their faces! Feet touch the floor unless you’re a pregnant women in the delivery room!

24. Don’t get naked when you take a shower, don’t talk about the size of your organ. Remember Middle easterns are half Asians half Africans so they are good at math and they have what it takes.

25. Do not kiss in public; it seems as if you’re trying to tell everyone that you’re in love while in reality you want to kill each other.

25. Drga derga is not how they sound when they talk; they sound like kh kh kh kh. Just like Germans, no they are not going to each other’s throats, this is just how they talk on phone.

26. Don’t buy music online – that’s waste of money! Don’t go to the movies – it’ll be on TV some day!

27. Share, share, and share – your food, car, money, clothes, room, underwears, DVD’s, books, and anything that could be curried or used. Basically share everything but your wife. Oh, your children are in the neighbor’s house 24-7.

28. Middle Eastern kids are smart, they know what’s going on, but they’ve been told to keep their mouths shut.

29. Gum – this is the main dish in some parts in Middle East. It’s the easiest way to make new friends. “Heay take some gum!” Don’t ask, give an order. “Heay, take some gum. Come on it’s just a gum !

30. Tea – long story short, it’s the beer of the Middle East! They play something called tea pong! It is very similar to beer pong, but with an AK, a bit louder and twice as dangerous.

After reading this you are already half way Middle Eastern. All you need is some falafel and you’ll be good to go. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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