I don’t let just anyone in because I am an island. And as an island surrounded by both vast skies and towering skyscrapers, I am afraid of intruders. It’s not just because I am an introvert; it’s bigger than that. It’s because more often that not, I am afraid of people who have tendencies of taking away the richness of my world then returning to the city with the treasures I once owned, I once cared for.
I am afraid of being taken for granted.
I am afraid that once I let someone in my life, it might destroy the fragile soul that lives inside me, that very soul that made me who I am today. Nevertheless, I don’t let just anyone in all because of fear. In fact, I have faith. I have faith that while the thought that I could easily count my closest friends using the fingers in my body may appear sad, I also believe that quality would always, always defeat quantity. That the number of people in our life does not equate to the number of opportunities for happiness.
Because sometimes, all it takes is three, two, or just one person to make us feel happy in our own little islands. All it takes is a few people or a single person who would share us love and comfort for us to feel important, to feel secured. All it takes is a hand that truly holds and a heart that passionately loves to let us know that we are not alone.
I don’t let just anyone in because I am a closed book. And although I can easily be read, I only allow those who really understand to move onto the next pages of my life. A little mystery wouldn’t hurt anybody, and I do not exempt myself from this. I don’t just entertain messages from people, especially clichéd and normal ones. I prefer the mystery that I exude, because it would take an interesting, persistent soul to catch my attention.
As time goes by, I continue to learn to keep my circle small and if ever someone dares to enter, I make sure to not pour my heart out every time I make interaction. Or at least just try to leave some for myself. I would always try my best to keep a few things about myself a secret, even for the meantime. I would always hold something back, not only because I don’t want to let it all out but because I want to leave something for myself and for my special someone.
That being said, being a closed book never meant not opening up to anyone. Perhaps what people like me wait for is someone to simply open us and listen. Genuinely listen. Listen as if our story is one of the most interesting stories s/he has ever heard. What I need is the kind of person who would take time to understand what I try to say.
Someone who, when I say that I am fine, would know that there’s something bothering me. Someone who would ask my deepest, darkest secrets, but still love me even more. Someone who would know what I feel just by merely looking at my eyes. Someone who can read not just my body nor my heart, but my soul.
I don’t let just anyone in because I know what it feels like being left alone even if someone’s already holding my hand. Emotional unavailability is something I have and will always despise. Because as someone who values not only physical but emotional connection and intimacy, I think that being available for another person is as important is being in love with him/her. And this is why I don’t allow just anyone in,
because I need to know that you will be there.
Like really there. I need to know that you will stick with me no matter what happens, whether I feel like the best person there is or the worst human that’s ever lived. I need to know that you would hug me at night and wouldn’t let me go to sleep feeling physically and emotionally cold. And most of all, I need to know that I am special and I need to feel that I am loved.
I don’t let just anyone in because I believe that I could offer a special kind of love. That I have a special kind of heart. My love is strong but my heart bends and breaks easily. And knowing this, knowing that my heart is fragile, I don’t simply let anyone in. I am afraid of getting hurt, of my feelings being played, of having my heart broken.
I am afraid of repeating the same mistakes I did in the past and of making new ones along the way. I am afraid of letting just anyone in my life. But despite all these, my fears would never stop me from loving. Because once I finally let someone in, I can truly say that I will love this person all the way.
Once I love you, I will pour the contents of my heart in you and let my walls crumble and fall.
Because loving you is hoping and trusting that you will do your best not to break me.
I will love you with fear, but this time, not with fear of the things I was once scared of but with fear of losing you. I know that in love there is no fear but still I will love you every day like it’s our last day together. I will love you and all your imperfections, because by loving me too, I expect you not to fix what’s broken in me but accept me and all the bullet holes that I have in my body. I will love you and continue to trust you that when I let you in, it was for a purpose, it was for a grander plan, it was because you’re here to stay.