You know that feeling of seeing the sun or a rainbow after a storm? That’s the kind of love that I want; one that would give me a sense of comfort. The feeling of being safe and sound. I need someone to be my sun and my rainbow because oftentimes, I think I am the storm.
I am clingy. Cuddling is one of my ways to show affection, and I need someone who would be okay with spooning all day long, especially on a cold, rainy day while watching romantic films on our laptop screen. I need someone who would be clingy too—that occasional resting of head on my shoulder or stealthy kisses or arms around my arms or gentle squeezes when we’re holding hands. I need someone whom I would find comfort with, even if that comfort comes from simple glances across a busy room.
I am a worrier. I tend to worry about the simplest of things like being late in movie houses or my favorite character possibly dying towards the end of a series. And as someone who worries about something every minute of the day, I need someone patient enough to always remind me that everything is going to be okay; someone who would tell me that we can re-watch the start of the movie in case we miss it, or that my favorite character will most likely live (or that in case he doesn’t, someone who would assure me that it’s all part of a grander plan). I need someone who would be my human blanket when I tremble and would never make me feel as if I am alone in my fights, even if these fights are against myself. I need someone who will comfort me especially during times that even I doubt myself, times when I just feel like crying because I feel completely and utterly lost and empty inside.
I am a pessimist. I feel pressured about a lot of things and I admit, most of these things are the kind of ideas that are in fact not a big deal to most people. I think about getting stuck in traffic on my way home, about a report I need to submit in three weeks, about what’s going to happen in the next three months or how my life would turn out to be in three years. I think about my career—if I’ll ever land on my dream job. I think about my family—if when I can be able to return the favor they gave me for the past years.
I think about the relationship I have or will have–if it will last long. If it will last forever. It’s not because I lack faith; it’ just that no matter how much faith I put into things, there’s always a part of me that sees the end of the road with less light.
I always tend to feel like something wrong or something bad is about to happen. I think more about the cons rather than focusing on the pros. What if this turns into a heartbreak, too? What if along the way, we find ourselves incompatible? What if, just what if, s/he’s not the one I’m destined to be with?
Nevertheless, I just want the kind of love that comforts me.
I need someone whom I can be myself with—all weird personalities I am. I need someone whom I can joke around with during a long road trip, whom I can play with in the supermarket, whom I can piggy back when we’re in bed (and vice versa), whom I can dance with when my favorite song plays on the radio, whom I can take a hundred selfies with and who can take a hundred more photos of me when we go somewhere new. I need someone whom I can be serious with, too. I need someone whom I can talk to about anything under the sun—the different names of the stars, our favourite movies, the books we love, our deepest fears, or happiest and saddest experiences, the other universes that may exist. I need a friend and a lover rolled into one.
It’s a bit one-sided, to be honest; being the one in a relationship who often needs more comforting. But I need someone who will understand that. That more often than not, I am a storm. Sometimes I am the sun or the rainbow but often times I am a storm. There is a storm inside me that does not rest, and I need someone who’s brave enough to fight the raging winds with and within me.
I need someone who wouldn’t find it weird that sometimes I get sad for all possible reasons and even for no apparent reason, and in turn would simply be the more clingy one between the two of us. Because that’s what I need: a simple touch, a warm and tight hug, a light kiss in the forehead, or a passionate one in the lips.
What I need is to know that there is someone beside me, one who has the ability to comfort me and to understand that I am and will always be a work in progress. I need someone to understand that I am a person slowly embracing my uniqueness and my self-worth. I need someone who, whether or not I get past being a worrier or a pessimist, would still love me anyway.