Wake Me Up When December Ends

It has been four days since I washed my hair. I don’t even bother to do anything with it anymore. Every morning, I comb my hair with my fingers and put it up on a bun because I simply don’t have the energy to do anything else with it.

Laundry is piling up, the floors are getting dirty, the house is getting messy, and the dishes have sat in the sink for a few days now. And I simply don’t care. The normal me would be freaking out because of my obsession with cleanliness and tidiness, but I am not me right now. 

I find myself getting lost in my own thoughts, and I detach myself from reality. I am physically present, but my soul is slowly sinking into a dark abyss. I want to fight the darkness, but I feel too weak to even try to put on a fight.

Every day my world is starting to turn a little darker. Every day I sink further into the quicksand and my body feels paralyzed. The frigid temperatures make my bones ache and turn my heart cold.

It must be December again.

Every year around this time, the demons that hide inside my head come out to play. It doesn’t matter how much I try to stop them or silence them, they are too strong to be stopped.

December is the worst month of the year for me. Past traumas, bad memories, and past hurts replay inside my head. I always tell myself that every year will be different and that I won’t fall into a deep depression again, but I always inevitably do.

December is the month when all I see is pretty Christmas lights, happy families, and everyone spending a merry, jolly time with their loved ones, and I look around me and see how alone I truly am. While most people will spend time with their families, I will spend another cold winter away from my family who lives thousands of miles away from me.

December gives me constant reminders of others’ happy seasons while I sit in the cold winter all alone.

December is the month I had to flee home; leaving wasn’t a choice because leaving was what I needed to do in order to survive. I was a scared young girl that left her homeland, her family, and everything else she knew to move to a new country filled with new people.

December is the month that reminds me that no matter how far away I move or how many years go by, the trauma and pain never leave.

December is the month of the year that I wish it didn’t exist. This month is full of darkness, pain, and despair.

I haven’t left my bed in days, and I am very tired. I’m going back to sleep now—please wake me up when December ends. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

A writer writing love, life and her cancer journey.💚

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