I wrote this for many reasons, I am tired of trying to hide all my emotions. My heart is telling me to let it out. I am only doing this to educate and make people aware of the everyday struggle, I am not doing this for people to feel sorry for me or for attention, if you think that then fuck you! This is something I have dealt with my whole life and it’s hard and embarrassing to talk about, but for some reason I feel the need to shout it out and to let people know.
The last few months I have tried so hard to overcome this episode, but this time I just can’t go back to normal, I feel lost and I do not feel like myself. I finally went to see a psychiatrist and I have been diagnosed severe depression, I always knew I had depression but did not know it was that severe, wait what? The invisible Alpha woman has depression? No way! The strong one? The one who has fought many battles, and nothing could knock her down?
I sit here and wonder why me? My head is spinning, people don’t know about the demons inside my head. I know it’s an illness, but I feel like I am just crazy and fucked up. Will my head ever stop?
But, how do I tell people? they might think I am just crazy, will they look at me different? They might say I just want attention, they will judge me.
I have fell into this abyss of darkness and cannot find my way out, I have lost myself. I have been having really dark thoughts. They scare me. They will not let me sleep. The thoughts of ending my life will not go away, they tell me if I end it I won’t feel pain anymore. I fight it. It’s just too hard. Because I don’t want to die. I don’t like these thoughts. They are not me. I am just so exhausted of it all I want me back. The old me was in control and so strong. I wish I could find her again. I need to find myself again.
My eyes open every morning and sometimes I wish they hadn’t. The pain and despair is so strong that there’s times I wish I wasn’t here. I don’t like this part of myself, the dark and ugly side. I look at myself at the mirror and don’t even recognize my own reflection. I don’t like the way I feel. I don’t want to live like this. Wish the thoughts would just go away so I won’t have to deal with this anymore.
The outside world they never will understand it.
On the outside I seem happy, no one thinks there’s something wrong, but on the inside, there’s a constant war.
I feel like no one understands me. They say, “you will be okay”, “it will get better” or “think of the positives”, or I know how you feel! Oh, trust me you DON’T, I would never wish this on anyone. They cannot see the struggle on the inside. What they see on the surface it’s a lie, it’s a disguise. My body is getting weaker. They cannot see the immense pain that’s in my heart that it hurts to even breath. My head hurts. They can’t see me space out in my head while they are talking to me. It’s just too exhausting to even smile. I can’t find the strength to fake it anymore. I don’t want to live like this anymore.
I know people are aware of a mental illness, but they really do not understand this illness. I wrote this, so they take a glimpse at the living hell we live each day. I know there’s other people that feel what I feel. I wrote this for them to know that they are others that struggle the same way, they are NOT alone.
Everybody is born with their own curse, I am not alone.
The road I must take to find myself again will be a long journey, it may take days, weeks or even months, but I have promised myself that I will fight this, and I will win because I want to live. I know, I will get better but it’s all just way too much to handle right now. It will not happen overnight. I know there’s more to life than this. I want to educate people on this horrible disease and I can only do that if I am alive. Deep inside of me I know I am worth a life of my own. The good side of me is just lost in the darkness within me. She will not let me give up. She cares too much. She loves me. She will make sure I live and fight this battle. She is real. She is a fighter. She is still there. She is strong, and I want her back. She is me.
That strong woman in me will always come through.
But until then I will just have to try the best to simply live another day.
I WILL survive this. I WANT to live. I NEED to fight.
I WILL get better. I WANT to feel better. I NEED to find myself again.