1. Just because tequila comes with a lime, that doesn’t mean it’s giving you proper nutrition. Learn to mix in some water occasionally, will you?
2. Listen to your mom’s advice, but ultimately, your choices are yours to make. I know, she can be a scary lady. She has told you what to do, and when to do it for your whole life. You have a problem saying no, and she very much knows that. But being an adult means saying, “Mom, I got this life shit…also I’ll be home to do laundry next week.”
3. Don’t be so hard on your body, you’re gorgeous. I know that feeling you get when you look in the mirror without clothes on. Trust me…I get those days still. But I promise there is going to be a time you will look back on those days and wonder why you hated your body so much. It is your temple: be kind and gentle with it.
4. Cherish her. There will come a time very soon that you will not be able to speak to her for a very, very long time. It’s going to kill you inside and out. Remember to tell her that she looks great that day, or that you love her. Flowers are not that expensive, you cheap college kid.
5. I know you want to spend your rent money on other things…but that’s your roof, kid. Just remember that money is not to be touched. And I know for a fact you don’t know what an NSF charge is…but you will very soon.
6. There isn’t a plane, train, or elaborate escape plan that will solve your problems. If I told you now that you will eventually run away to Los Angeles, only telling a few people, and lived on the beach for a couple weeks, you would think that is the coolest shit in the world. And yes, it was, but it didn’t fix what you thought it would. The bitter pill to swallow is that if you want it to get better, stay put and work on it.
7. Be humble, not self-righteous. The hard truth is split between two realizations: you had a hard upbringing and childhood, and not everyone is going to care how you got here. Be humble, and kind. The world has tossed you around, but your best weapon to combat the bad vibes is to show how much love is still left in you.
8. You won’t work at Starbucks forever. So serve that rude asshole his double steamed, half decaf, sugar free Latte Machochino. It won’t be long until you’ve had enough of his, and your co-workers’ shit.
9. You are a goofy guy… embrace it. This is of the utmost importance. The exact thing you think is repelling people, is actually inviting the most genuine people to your life. Make the joke, let that drink shoot through your nose, dance like you have lost your mind…people are digging it. You’re 18; you are kidding yourself with this professional and stickler façade.
10. Love yourself as much as you love her. This could be the real deal, Mitchell. Confidence and trust are going to be the foundation you two sit on, and that will only happen if you learn to love yourself. And I mean every part of yourself: the things you can help, and can’t. Your body, your mind, your past and present…all of it. It’s not going to be an overnight thing, as you’ve already figured out. But it’s a journey you need to start baby-stepping into.
11. Enjoy your carbs now, because soon you won’t have them. You’re going to learn about a diet that will change your life, and that works amazing for you. But remember to cherish every pizza, and poutine, because I am so envious that you get to put that in your body.
12. Just because you can write a paper the night before, doesn’t mean you should. Seriously, even if you were to start it like a few days before? Maybe you could save yourself 10 panic attacks as the due-date approaches.
13. You are on track. The things you want so fucking bad now will come to you. Just remember, unlike your cheap relationship with Fireball Whiskey, patience and dedication will be your best friends.