Nobody talks about it, but I am here to tell you: the well-known quarter life and infamous midlife crises have a mean and ugly cousin: the third-life crisis. More embittered than its younger counterpart, it is cunning and creative in its attempts to ruin your life.
Here are 35 signs that you are having a third-life crisis:
1. You think about retirement more and more lately. Why didn’t you start contributing into a pension plan 10 years ago?
2. The first few friends are getting divorced already, and you aren’t even married yet. You feel hopelessly behind.
3. Should you get married? Your mother has dropped countless hints about you being an “old unmarried maid”, despite you living with your partner in a committed relationship.
4. All your friends are having babies. You are not ready. But shouldn’t you be?
5. You now know what the biological clock is. You hear its ticking a bit louder every day.
6. With osteoporosis looming in your immediate future, you contemplate starting to take calcium supplements.
7. The phrase “time flies” never sounded truer, and never scared you more.
8. Your boss asks you “where you see yourself in five years”, and you feel like a loser for saying “uhm, still in this job?”.
9. More responsibility scares you.
10. But shouldn’t you be more ambitious?
11. Listening to busy working moms juggling kids, careers, husbands and houses makes you feel hopelessly inadequate. You haven’t even done the dishes this past weekend.
12. You realize that being a real adult in your thirties doesn’t mean that you have life figured out. You feel betrayed.
13. You get more nervous now hosting dinner parties than ever before. Expectations are much higher, and some of your friends really know how to cook. Unlike you.
14. You envy your younger self for freely inviting friends for delivery pizza and beer. Those were the days.
15. You envy old people who don’t give a shit and do what they want. You want to be like them. Why do you still give a shit?
16. You can’t drink coffee in the afternoon anymore because you won’t be able to sleep all night.
17. Not only have you not set foot into a club in seven years, but you start to dislike going to the movies. Those kids with their feet in your back, noisy eating and omnipresent glow of their cellphones really go on your nerves.
18. You have to google the meaning of FOMO, smh, ikr, hru – pretty much any abbreviation you come across. What happened to writing words out?
19. You are still scared of teenagers.
20. You didn’t know that #flannelfriday exists. And you love flannel.
21. You fear that your age group will be the reason for Instagram to become uncool. Just look what happened to Facebook.
22. Is your metabolism slowing down already? Or why is it so much harder to lose weight now?
23. Spanx are replacing your formerly sexy underwear.
24. You just bought a car based on its practicality, safety ratings and gas mileage.
25. You just bought your first pair of sensible shoes.
26. You don’t do shots anymore because they make you sick.
27. Eating fast food late at night gives you heartburn.
28. You are unsure if you can still wear miniskirts. Are you getting too old for them?
29. You are uttering the words “I’m too old for that” more and more lately.
30. Grey hair.
31. Having to make the momentous decision: Embarking on a life of hair dye and fighting grey roots, or going gracefully grey?
32. Is there such a thing as going gracefully grey in your thirties? I didn’t think so.
33. To Botox, or not to Botox? That is the question.
34. You have a growing list of little aches and pains, and just got your third crown.
35. You haven’t been carded in years.