I truly, with all my heart, hope you’re doing exceptionally well. I hope you’re unbelievably happy, living the life you always dreamed of. Even if it doesn’t include me.
The truth is I miss you. A lot. I find myself thinking about our good times. A lot. And I find myself regretting the fact that we probably won’t make any more beautiful memories. A lot.
I’ve been trying to pinpoint the moment our picturesque world went crashing down for some time now. But I can’t. The tragic landslide came too fast and too violently for me to remember the precise moment we stopped being best friends. I can’t stop myself from wondering if there was one moment in our picture-perfect friendship that made you decide you didn’t want me in your life anymore. Maybe you decided I was too prideful, too quiet, or too guarded to be a part of you anymore. Or maybe I pushed you away. I don’t know, and I don’t know if I ever justly will.
All I know it that I think about you, all the time.
And I miss you, all the time.
I miss the excitement we shared when one of us believed we had fallen in love, for real this time. I miss laying on your bed listening to our favorite songs. I miss you forcing me to play basketball, your passion, every time we went to your house, determined to make me half as good as you were. But I fulfilled my promise of being the worst athlete ever to be put on this earth. Maybe you needed someone more like you. Someone who could understand why shooting a ball into a hoop set your heart on fire. I tried to understand why you loved it so much, but we were so different.
I’m sorry if it ever felt like I didn’t support you. You were so talented and I never valued you for it. But I allowed myself to be filled with one of the most notorious relationship killers known to man: Jealousy.
I was jealous of your confidence. I was jealous of the way that you could talk to anyone in the world as if the two of you had been friends for years. I was jealous of the way your smile could settle anybody’s nerves. I was jealous of your six pack, your blonde hair, and your blue eyes. It was hard not to be jealous of someone as beautiful as you. You were beautiful inside and out, something I was never able to see myself as.
I was struggling. I didn’t look like the girls in the magazines. I didn’t have many friends. I wasn’t exceptionally talented at anything, and I wasn’t friendly and warm like you were. I don’t know if you ever saw how low I felt at times. I don’t know if you ever wondered why I didn’t like taking pictures with you. Or what I was thinking about when I’d get quiet for long periods of time. I don’t know if you truly didn’t see it or just refused to. And believe me I always wanted to talk to you about it. But there’s no easy way to tell your best friend that you feel like crap whenever you’re around them because you have no ability to see yourself as beautiful.
But I’m different now. I’m not the afraid, insecure girl I once was. I have confidence and I believe in my inner and outer beauty. I’m different now.
I’m different. I’m not like I once was. I see the world clearer and even though I only have small, fragmented memories left from our friendship, I’ve put them together enough to see at least a part of why you left.
I was unkind to you. Over and over. We fought over things we never should have. I often tried to put you down to make myself look higher. Because in my world it was exactly the opposite; you stood on a golden pedestal and I watched meekly down below. I never wanted to lose you, but I pushed you away because I thought you were better than me. Much better than me. And that’s not completely untrue.
You were always the better person. You were always the first to say sorry, the first to dial my number. You were always the more forgiving one, the one who gave second chances, and the one who loved me when I was incapable of loving myself.
And I thank you so much for that.
Thank you for everything. Thank you for showing me what a true friend is. Thank you for showing me that kindness and love are the most beautiful characteristics anyone can have. Thank you for fighting for me when no one else did, and thank you for caring about me when my world came crashing down.
It didn’t happen all at once. And for while I refused to accept it. I didn’t want to accept that you had moved on without me. I didn’t want to accept that I wasn’t a part of your life anymore and you weren’t a part of mine. But then the days without you turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months. Which turned to me ignoring the possibility that we were over. I refused to accept that you were out of my life so I just ignored the crying of my heart. And then one day it hit me. And my world came crashing down all at once. The reality of the situation became crystal when I had to deal with my crashed world alone, without you by my side.
I was so angry at you for a while. When I heard your name I shook my head and pursed my lips and refused to admit that in reality you were one of the most amazing people I had ever met. I was so angry that you had locked me out of your life, without an explanation, without a word. Just silence, then absence. I missed you every day for years. And it seemed as if you never missed me.
The guilt tore me apart. At first I wanted to blame you, and I did for a while. But I always knew that the one at fault was me. I always knew that it was my fault that our worlds cracked down the middle and fell in different directions. Every time I saw someone who looked slightly similar to you whether they had your hair, or your smile, or your eyes, I found myself breaking apart. I longed for you so desperately.
I was terrified to have a best friend for a while, even a close friend. I was fearful that it would be you all over again. I was frightened that the scenario would play and I would be powerless to stop it. I was so afraid of being abandoned, that I refused to let anyone see past my first layer. And I didn’t have any real friends for a while because of that.
I never hated you. I never have and I never will. I just desperately wish that I could fix it. I wish you would tell me what I did to push you away and I could explain it to you and we could go back to where we left off years ago. But I know that won’t happen. And as much as it breaks my heart, I accept it.
I accept that our textbook friendship is over. I accept that we won’t be making any memories any time soon. I accept that I hurt you to a point where you didn’t want me back in your life. And I accept that you believed you were better off without me. I accept that it’s over.
For years I’ve carried around guilt over everything I’d said to you. Things I didn’t realize hurt you in a way I never comprehended. So I want to say I’m sorry. Truly and deeply sorry from the bottom of my heart for the way I treated you. You deserved so much better. And maybe you realized that. I’ll never know.
But what I do know is I still love you, and I always will no matter what happens. I miss you every moment. I can’t bring myself to throw away the birthday and get well soon cards. As for the photo of us in the homemade frame with “Best Friends Forever” scribbled on the top, I have no idea where its place is. So it sits in a box somewhere in my closet, with the hope of someday getting to see the light, in case you come back.
But I want you to know that you don’t have to. You don’t have to come back if you don’t want to. In fact, I don’t want you to come back unless you think it’s best for you. I am different. I have learned kindness and love through the pain I was put through in your loss. I’m not the same person. But in all reality, you probably aren’t either.
I just want you to be happy. I say that with all the sincerity in my heart. I want you to be joyfully and unbelievably in love with life. I want you to make amazing friends, and fall deeply and truly in love, and fall even deeper in love with the beautiful children you will have someday. I want you to live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment of it. I just want whatever’s best for you, even if I’m not part of the equation.
I love you. Every minute, every hour, every day. If you ever need someone, I am here always. Don’t forget that.