To My Almost Lover, This Is My Last Goodbye

Jez Timms

The truth is, you’re everything. And coming from a girl you never dated, that might sound a little more than just crazy. It might sound obsessive and stalker-like, but I’m going to be honest.

For few months of my life, you were everything. You still are everything. I heard you in every love song and saw your eyes in every pair of crystal blue eyes and I loved you in a childish way that cannot be described as anything other than innocent.

You were everywhere. You still are everywhere. And once, this idea of seeing your face in strangers on the street and hearing your name in the simplest of words was a comforting fact. It was a fact I loved because it reminded me of the emotions I felt whenever I had the prized opportunity of being by your side.

But now, this is now my greatest burden, my greatest curse. Because you don’t want me anymore. And I can’t wash you off my skin. And it’s killing me.

Every moment seems like a battle to me won. Every breath of air I breathe is a decision. Every time I look in the mirror and see the depths of my own sadness, I know it’s you reflecting through me.

You are broken. And so am I.

But someone broke you to the point where you decided you couldn’t want me anymore.

And I have tried not to wonder what might have happened if that person hadn’t broken you. Hadn’t broken us. Hadn’t broken me.

Yet, it’s the only thing I can think about, and all the “what-ifs” and “how-comes” are killing me. They are tearing me to pieces.

I can’t do anything without their incessant screaming pounding in the back of my mind. I am falling to pieces in a way I never have before. And I don’t know how to fix it.

I don’t know how to fix how much I want you. I don’t know how to fix how much your rejection is pulling me apart. I don’t know how to fix the heartache and the sadness and the pain. I wish I did. But I don’t.

You told me you’d wait for me. You told me that I was beautiful and smart and funny and passionate and that you’d wait because you’d never found anyone like me before. You told me I was special. That I was something worth fighting for.

What did I do to make myself not worth it? What did I do to make you realize that I wasn’t everything you thought I was? Did you finally see my brokenness? Did you finally see through the mask I had created that shone of perfection but was really just a quilted shield, created to cover the pain and shame I have hidden so long inside myself? Did you see through me? Or did you just realize you didn’t want me anymore? What did I do? What didn’t I do? What could I have done differently?

Did you ever want me? Or did you just want the idea of me?

Was the idea of me more attractive than the actual person that I am? How could you do this to me? How could you tear me down like this? What did I do to deserve this?

Maybe I do deserve this. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I deserve this ever-beating heartache because I believed you when you told me to take all the time I needed. But I made my decision.

You had already moved on from me. And I don’t think it even hurt you one bit to leave me behind.

That’s the hardest part, I think. Knowing that I am drowning in the depths of my own suffering and knowing that you are too.

You are toxic and you aren’t suffering because of me. You are suffering for entirely different reasons. I don’t think my absence even bothers you.

By all standards, you are no good. You have broken me immeasurably, betrayed my trust countlessly, and depended on my forgiveness more times than I can count.

I always told myself that I would never fall for someone like you.

You treated me like an option.

You treated me like I was nothing. And I loved you for it.

How is this even possible? How is it possible to love someone who treats you like you are just another girl? Who knows how to say all the right words so you can cling to them, hold to them as evidence next time his love for you is questioned, but then act in such a way that every person who truly loves you will tell you to take the next train out of this destructive situation?

How could I love someone like this? I am not IN love with you. That is not what I am saying at all. But I will admit that I love you. Which is something entirely different.

I love you because you have shown yourself to me. Would you believe me if I told you that I love you more now that you have shown me your scars? I love you. I love you in a way I have never loved another person my entire life. It’s that simple. But you don’t love me. You never have, and you never will.

I think I’ve always known this simple fact. So, I can’t begin to understand why I am so hurt now that it’s been confirmed. If I always knew it was bound to be this way, then why did I give my heart away to you so fully? If I knew you were trouble, why did I place my heart in your hand, giving you the full capability to crush it at any given moment? How could I be so foolish?

I don’t have any answers. All I know is that I love you, you don’t love me, and now I have to move on. I don’t know entirely how to do it. But I know it must be done.

I deleted your messages. I figured that if somehow I could delete the hard evidence, maybe they would eventually begin to fade from my memory as well, like a bad dream or an ordinary day.

I hope that I’m right. I hope you fade away exactly the way I want you to. I can’t bear it anymore. I can’t bear the pain. I just want to be myself again.

I loved you in such a way that I lost myself trying to find you.

I made a mistake. No, I made a series of mistakes. It was a mistake to love you. And it was a mistake to think you could ever love me to.

But I want you to know, I’m not angry. I’m not resentful, or bitter, or vengeful. I don’t have anything against you. I just can’t be a part of your life anymore without risking my own sanity. And I’m not willing to risk that again. So, I guess this is goodbye.

You hurt me. And I forgive you. You broke me. And that’s alright. I am stronger because of you. One day I will look back and realize you were nothing more than a step along my journey to becoming the person I was meant to be. One day, I will thank you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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