Mira Gonzalez Liveblogs The Oscars

Mira Gonzalez Liveblogs The Oscars

Every year my family has a tradition of watching the Oscars. We predict who we think will win for each category, then we each place $3 into a betting pool. Whoever wins the most categories receives a whopping $18. This event generally ends in everybody getting near blackout drunk and crying about something unrelated to film. Unfortunately, this December I moved across the country and am unable to partake in the event, so instead I am liveblogging it from a tiny apartment in Harlem.

11:59pm ITS BEEN REAL GUYS, MIRA OUT (Mira)

11:58pm closing remark: ben aflek talking about iran a lot, cocaine, cocaine, cocaine, cocaine jenme (Sam)

11:56pm i guessed best picture wrong can you guys paypal me money as a consolation prize miraLgonzalez[at]gmail[dot]com (Mira)

11:56pm i guessed right what do i win (Sam)

11:52pm michelle obama wtf

11:52pm jack nicholson is gonna have a nervous break down or die on stage right now, you heard it here first (Mira)

11:51 i peed myself like probably 10x in elementary school, is that an interesting thing, are you guys interested now (Mira)

11:50pm if one of you people delivered us cocaine then we would be posting such interesting stuff right now, do you guys want me to confess something or something, the oscars are getting so boring (Mira)

11:49pm i wonder if they tell the PAs who select the clips for the ‘highlight reel’ things to like, pick the scenes where the actors yell a lot or w/e, this one is stupid sorry (Sam)

11:45pm felt jealous after seeing that clip from ‘amour’… like… i want to be the old woman who is being fed from a sippy cup and being hit in the face… why not me (Mira)

11:44pm clip they just showed for 'amour' seemed humorously bleak in context of hollywood awards show, hitting dying old woman in the face after she spits up water from her sippy cup, lol (Sam)

11:39pm ~22% chance sam murders me before ‘best picture’ is announced (Mira)

11:38pm oscars are sweet, so long, everyone just gets to sit here and wait, no one cares, just waiting and not thinking about our lives together, feel good (Sam)

11:36pm eff u ang lee bring back my sweaty ass quentin (Mira)

11:30pm quentin is all ‘i just did so much blow with jamie, im sweatin like a mad man, gonna go to town on some underage prostitutes later tonight y’all (Mira)

11:28pm fantasizing about doing cocaine off tarantino’s bald spot (Mira)

11:28pm the poster thing for ‘amour,’ or like, the still that they use for all the publicity stuff… seems hilarious… like, some old guy grabbing some old lady’s face w a facial expression like ‘whaaaattttt’ (Sam)

11:28pm tarantino is like a duck with down syndrome, earnestly want to have sex with him, never felt this about him until now (Mira)

11:27pm tarantino is so sweaty… oh my god… (Mira)

11:26pm tarantino is going on stage, earnestly aroused again, would sam notice if i went to the bathroom and masturbated after this (Mira)

11:25pm yo is this screenplay guy gonna cry, hes doing that thing where hes saying ‘i love you’ too much and like, breathing really hard, like, mdma (Sam)

11:25pm wld ppl still like ‘beasts of the southern wild’ if it were titled ‘monsters of the eastern jungle,’ earnestly wondering (Sam)

11:22pm i still dont know who is hosting the oscars or who sam is (Mira)

11:22pm i havent seen ‘lincoln’ btw (Sam)

11:21pm sam is a film student, film, movies (Mira)

11:21pm why is no one talking about how ‘lincoln’ looks… like the footage… crusty tea leaves in soggy apple sauce, saggy face skin fallin all over the damn place, cinema!!! (Sam)

11:20pm feel like kristen stewart could do me with a knife and not feel guilty about it (Mira)

11:18pm whats the difference btwn samsung and tmobile (Mira)

11:18 samsung is sponsoring the oscars i think (Sam)

11:17pm i want to have a threesome with adele and meryl streep in a bathroom at panera bakery (Mira)

11:16pm is this still the oscars (Sam)

11:15pm woman singing was just like ‘a bubbly bubble a bubble a bubbles!!!!!!!!!’ (Sam)

11:14pm this singing person is almost definitely on meth (Mira)

11:14pm life of pi is liek the lion king right (Sam)

11:14pm i wanna have sex with this old dusty nintendo 64 next to this tiny TV i am watching the oscars on (Mira)

11:10pm ‘lincoln’ looks like a fleshy chocolate pudding disaster, little wrinkly devils scurrying all over the place, hiding behind crusty trees, do y’all feel me (Sam)

11:12pm adele is so milky… milky ass skin… (Mira)

11:11pm THIS SHIT IS STILL ON, WE STILL BLOGGING, WHEN DOES IT END (Mira)

11:02pm oh no now this bitch is singing oh no please no (Mira)

11:01pm ok real talk chris marker is dead (Sam)

10:59pm damn look at all the dead ppl… dead ass ppl… (Mira)

10:58pm feel more attracted to george clooney the closer to suicide he gets (Mira)

10:57pm george clooney seems more depressed every year (Sam)

10:56pm OH GODD DDDD DDD D NOOOOOOOOO (Mira)

10:55pm ‘the oscars the grouch’ haha (Sam)

10:55 THE OSCARSSSSSS, FILM, MOVIES, ACTORS (Mira)

10:49pm DAN RADDDDD CLIFFFFFF (Sam)

10:49 imagining daniel radcliff (sp?) on his knees, soaking wet, begging for his life, weeping (Sam)

10:48pm wait… is this not best picture… i thought they were gonna announce best picture… how long does this shit last im getting bored (Mira)

10:46pm MOMENT OF TRUTH (Mira)

10:44pm SAM GUESSES ARGO IS GONNA WIN, MIRA GUESSES LINCOLN IS GONNA WIN, WE ARE BETTING HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS ON THIS (Mira and Sam)

10:35pm UNSTOPPABLE ADELE… UNSTOPPABLE (Mira)

10:29pm mira doing pull up (Sam)
10:29pm mira doing pull up (Sam)

10:31pm i think theyre bringing out shithead film students on stage, is that what theyre doing (Sam)

10:29pm someones name is hop scotch lol? (Sam)

10:24pm sam is doing pull ups wtf (Mira)
10:24pm sam is doing pull ups wtf (Mira)

10:23pm said ‘i hate anne hathaway’ and sam said ‘who is anne hathaway’… i want to tear my own face off (Mira)

10:19pm announcer said ‘christopher plummer’ and sam said ‘OH MY GOD ITS WILLIS’ DAD’ (Mira)

10:19pm ppl giving speech look like identical twins except i cant tell their genders (Sam)

10:17pm keep thinking about ‘lincoln’ clips… weird gnarly tree trunk movie… wrinkly brown and grey… jesus… (Sam)

10:14pm sam with 99 cent can of 'crazy stallion' brand beer (Mira)
10:14pm sam with 99 cent can of ‘crazy stallion’ brand beer
(Mira)

10:10PM got 4 24 ounce beers, 99 cents each (Mira)

9:56pm OKAY NOW WERE REALLY GOING TO BUY BEER (Mira & Sam)

9:55pm sam muted the catherine zeta jones musical number, feel ~10% less interested in suicide (Mira)

9:52pm sam just said ‘we should buy a crack dealer and take pictures of him’ [?] (Mira)

9:51pm GONNA GO BUY BEER NOW (Mira & Sam)

9:45 a lot of ppl giving speeches sound like they are ‘at the end of their rope’ (Sam)

9:45pm ben affleck seems like kind of a douchey guy (Stephen Tully Dierks)

9:44pm my mom thinks ben affleck is on drugs but i dont know the difference between ben affleck and [every other actor] (Mira)

9:42pm i literally have no idea who won anything, has anyone won an award yet, i only remember quentin tarantinos face, feel aroused again (Mira)

9:41pm beginning to suspect sam took drugs without telling me (Mira)

9:41pm clips they are showing from ‘lincoln’ seem like… really brown and lumpy…? or flakey or something… hard to explain (Sam)

9:39pm i think i imagine liam neeson, ryan gosling and channing tatum to all be the same person except in my head they all look like james franco (Mira)

9:39pm i think i told a lot of ppl that i like liam neeson… have i ever seen a liam neeson movie… he kind of seems like a douche lol (Sam)

9:37pm seems like every person at the oscars right now was in lord of the rings (Mira)

9:35pm guy who won short film thing seems attracted to his dad (Sam)

9:33pm my mom texted me ‘jamie is scary.’ (Mira)

9:29pm feel like they are giving out free DMT backstage (Mira)

9:28pm this lady singing, was she a character in lord of the rings, is that bradley cooper (Mira)

9:28pm anyone else think this is insane, the lady singing this thing, whats happening (Sam)

9:26pm seems like ‘hugo’ has won an oscar every year from 2001-2013 (Sam)

murdered sam
murdered sam

9:24pm wait, did hugh jackman die, is he dead, was he the batman guy (Mira)

9:23pm im sweating, am i on LSD, nothing seems real, where am i (Mira)

9:22pm did haley barry just say ‘inexplicably bleak?’ (Sam)

9:22pm halle barry said ‘pussy’ (Mira)

9:22pm i thought haley barry died, nevermind (Sam)

9:21pm everyone is sweating (Sam)

9:21pm everyone seems like they are on acid and doing fake english accents (Sam)

9:19pm everyone at the oscars looks like frodo to me (Mira)

9:18pm sounds like everyone is pronouncing ‘anna karenina’ as ‘anna kareninanana’ (Sam)

9:17pm ‘life of pi’ visual effects guy’s mic was cut off mid-speech as he screamed ‘FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES’ over music (Sam)

text from megan boyle
text from megan boyle

9:08pm what is the ‘life of pi’ guy doing… oh my god…. im so turned on (Sam)

9:08pm the ‘life of pi’ guy’s luscious locks, the way he’s breathing, talking, oh my god, i have an erection (Sam)

9:07pm i think someone just referred to someone else as an ‘itchy star’ & no one reacted (Sam)

9:05pm seems like tao spoiled the entire plot of le mis in the comment section of this post (Mira)

9:04pm would be funny if ppl started to abbreviating misery (the emotion) as ‘mis’ like they do w the movie (Sam)

9:02pm heard reese witherspoon say ‘crackling’ and immediately craved crack, can anyone bring crack to 68 e.127th st (Mira)

9:01pm woman confusedly ‘wandered’ into left side of frame as guy in kilt gave acceptance speech (Sam)

9:00pm guy who won ‘best animated short’ looks like a giant baby, guy who won for brave wore a skirt, feel aroused (Mira)

8:59pm seems like ‘brave’ came out in 2009 or something (Sam)

8:55pm my mom just texted me ‘kill whitey’ and brad listi texted me ‘calculator boobs’ (Mira)

8:50pm i want to have sex with quentin tarantino and philip seymour hoffman, is that ok, im sorry (Mira)

8:47pm keep misreading ‘lincoln’ as ‘lolicon,’ which is anime child porn (Sam)

8:43pm all the frodos are dancing (Mira)

8:42pm a sock puppet just did cocaine on tv (Sam)

8:40pm i dont know who seth macfarlane is, is anyone reading this live blog, does anybody like me (Mira)

8:38pm ‘we saw your boobs’ song seems unhumorously bleak (Sam)

text from brad listi to mira
text from brad listi to mira

8:33pm who is this guy talking, is this bradley cooper (Mira)

8:24pm imagine if steve roggenbuck hosted the oscars (Mira)

8:22pm people keep talking about ‘giving up’ in passing i think (Sam)

8:19pm have any retarded people ever won an oscar (Mira)

8:17pm if anyone wants to live blog with us, bring drugs to 68 e. 127th st (Mira & Sam)

8:15pm nervous-breakdown-y host looked at shoes in glass box thing and said ‘two thousand components on those shoes… that’s… HUGE’ (Sam)

mira liveblogging
mira liveblogging

8:12pm i broke the TV remote (Mira)

8:09pm my mom texted me ‘hugh jackman seems nice’, is hugh jackman wolverine or is that bradley cooper (Mira)

8:07pm mira said ‘he has a new squeeze every time’ re, i think, george clooney (Sam)

8:05pm the event hasnt even started yet, im going bananas (Mira)

8:03pm everyone is screaming at each other, screaming and grinning insanely, seems nightmarish (Sam)

8:01pm sam blurted ‘JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT’ when jennifer aniston was on TV (Mira)

8:00pm predict i will spell ‘shia labeouf’ incorrectly ~4-25x during the duration of this live blog (Mira)

7:58pm what if a movie titled ‘woozy fire guy’ won best picture (Sam)

7:57pm sam thinks daniel daniel radcliffe, joseph gordon levitt, toby maguire and shia labeouf are all the same person and they are all frodo (Mira)

7:54pm sam thinks every actor is frodo. just identified ~5 different actors as frodo (Mira)

7:52pm 3-4 ppl appeared to be screaming into microphones simultaneously after commercial break (Sam)

text from tao
text from tao

7:50pm identified ~5 different ppl as bradley cooper in the past ~10 minutes, where is wolverine, isn’t he nominated for something, is bradley cooper wolverine (Mira)

7:41 pm I’m not on any drugs right now, we accidentally left all the vyvanse at my apartment in brooklyn, if anyone wants to bring drugs to harlem email me miraLgonzalez[at]gmail[dot]com (Mira)

7:39 pm tall blonde woman said something that sounded like ‘very different films, before, yeah, i think, different films’ (Sam)

7:24pm i dont know what bradley cooper looks like or what movies he’s in. is bradley cooper an actor (Sam)

7:24pm who the hell is channing tatum, does he do sports (Mira)

7:26pm sam keeps screaming at the tv in a really troubling way. he’s just screaming. idk (Mira)

7:30pm reese witherspoon seems unstable. seems like she might go on a killing rampage. she might have a gun (Mira)

7:32pm joseph gordon levitt just said ‘i love movies’ (Sam)

7:22pm whats the difference between toby macguire and shaya lebouff, are they both frodo (Sam)

7:21pm feel like i only know 4 actors off hand, brad pitt, angelina jolie, meryl streep, sean penn. those are the only actors i can think of. bradley cooper is another actor i know of. also I’m in film school (Sam) [Editor’s note: Sam is a human and he is in the room with Mira also watching the Oscars. In fact, I’m getting reports that it is his apartment, he is renting the apartment they are in.]

7:18pm got earnestly excited watching trailer for the new twilight movie. i thought there weren’t anymore twilight movies. finally feeling after effects of last night’s drug binge. feel bad y’all (Mira)

7:16pm my mom just texted me ‘jennifer lawrence bad dress i should get stoned oh god. i wanna see a breast pop’ (Mira)

7:13pm i haven’t seen any of the movies nominated this year besides ‘beasts of the southern wild’ which i saw in a theater in los angeles. went to the bathroom part way through the movie and ate xanax then came back during a sad part and cried a lot

Mira Gonzalez Liveblogs The Oscars

7:06pm watching the oscars on a very small TV, 15 feet away from my face, sitting in a bed under a comforter, drinking giant green smoothie, feel ~60% conscious (Mira) TC mark

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Mira Gonzalez is the author of I will never be beautiful enough to make us beautiful together. She lives in Brooklyn. Follow Mira on or read more articles from Mira on Thought Catalog.
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