What I Would Do To Be A Virgin Again

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.” — James 5:16
Twenty20 / theprincessmichala
Twenty20 / theprincessmichala

When I tell people I’m not a virgin, some seem very surprised. “What? You’ve had sex before?” Initially, I didn’t understand why they were surprised. It may have something to do with the way I carry myself and the modest way I dress. It could be the kinds of conversation I have or the purity ring on my finger. I find it kind of flattering that some may think I’m a virgin when I’m not because I love for people to think I am pure and waiting for marriage.

You see, I’ve lived in shame and guilt for five years because I did not wait to have sex before marriage like the majority of my family members did. In all honesty, I did want to wait. So why didn’t I? Well, when you are young, beautiful and have many insecurities, you can be an easy target.

What I would do to be a virgin again.

I lost my virginity when I was 15-years-old. I convinced myself it was alright to have sex because I was going to marry him anyways. So I told myself it wasn’t a big deal if we had a head start. Besides, what does it really matter as long you are in love, right?

Months later, I sat in the center of my sweet 16 party. All eyes were on me as my parents presented me with a purity ring. “This ring represents your purity and waiting until marriage.”
As those words pierced my heart deeply, numerous thoughts came to mind, “Is this a prank? Did they found out I’m not a virgin anymore and are trying to make me feel guilty?” As I glanced over to look at my then boyfriend, I knew exactly the thoughts he had in his head “Well too late for that,” and he was right … or so I thought at the time.

What I would do to be a virgin again.

My shame and guilt kept me from forgiving myself. I felt worthless and had very low self-esteem. These emotions made me feel backed into a corner to a point where I didn’t even feel like myself. I remember receiving a text message from my oldest brother in my sophomore year of high school. Sitting in class, I was felt frozen as I read the message“ Are you a virgin?”

My heart instantly dropped into my stomach. I didn’t want to lie, but at the same time I felt I was already living a lie “Yes,” I replied. I felt disappointed with myself for telling a lie, especially since I always thought of myself as an honest person. That’s what happens when you sin and don’t repent, it opens the doors to more sin. There are two things the enemy can make you feel: 1. Guilt because of your sins or 2. A sense of justification for why you’ve sinned. Both are damaging and I will explain how.

Feelings Of Guilt And Shame.

Now, I will preface by saying that guilt is a natural human emotion. It is one hundred percent normal, but when guilt starts to weigh you down and keep you from forgiving yourself, that is when it’s a problem. Conviction to change is from the Holy Spirit, but guilt is from the enemy. He wants to you feel so guilty and ashamed of your sins that you keep it yourself, where you won’t repent, confess, receive healing and turn it into a testimony, and for five years that’s where the devil had me.

Feelings Of Justification For Sin.

So you DON’T feel guilty for your sins? Well, you are right where the devil wants you. No need to repent if you don’t think you are doing anything wrong, right? Listen, just because you could justify something, that doesn’t make it right. The devil can have you think it’s okay to have sex before marriage, watch pornography, lie, steal or whatever sin it maybe. But it WILL NEVER BE right.

At the age of 20 I finally spoke up. I was delivered, set free and the weight was taken off my shoulders. No more shame and and no more guilt. Unfortunately, I was then mocked – called names like hoe, slut, bitch and easy. I didn’t understand why. I was barely even called all these names when I was living in sin and shame, at least not to my face.

What I would do to be a virgin again.

I couldn’t remember who the person was and what they said verbatim, but remembered the moment someone messaged me saying thank you for being bold and sharing my testimony. They went on to say that I gave them the courage to speak up as well.

That is the moment I realized that not everyone would like my testimony. Some will even go as far as trying to shame me, because guilt tripping is the work of the enemy. My testimony is for those who are broken and ashamed, but want deliverance. It is not for the prideful, in denial, religious hypocrites that call themselves Christians. Jesus replaced those negative names that were spoken over me, and gave me new names: royalty, grace, golden and beautiful.

What I would do to be a virgin again?!

Absolutely nothing. I wouldn’t trade my testimony for anything. All those people I’ve impacted, young teen girls I’ve ministered to and the small seeds I helped plant in people’s hearts … all those feeling are so much stronger than the cruel names I was being called. I learned to forgive myself and I learned that God can turn my ugliest sins to a beautiful testimony and I promise you, he can do the same for you too.

Through the lessons I have learned so much. Now I practice abstinence and my standards are higher. I realized my value and no longer think down on myself. I repent daily and ask God to give me strength to continue on my journey of purity. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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