My neighbor and I were arguing about what sort of pet he should get. He’s a worthless Cajun chef. I told him I don’t trust him around small pets. What would happen if times got lean and he got hungry? He called me a racist. I hated to break it to him but Cajun ain’t a race. We got into a fistfight. Afterwards, I felt badly. To make it up to him (for kicking his ass and breaking his coffee table) I told him I’d buy him his new pet. Whatever he wanted.
He thanked me. He said he wanted to get a dog. I told him to eat those contemptible words. No dogs. Everyone gets a dog. He said fine. His girlfriend would prefer it if he brought home a cat. I told him his girlfriend has to bring home her own pussy. Cats. He argued, said he figured that I preferred cats — that I was a cat person. I almost threw my coffee in his face. Instead, I corrected my friend and told him that I preferred neither dogs nor cats. I told him that since I’m buying his new pet, and since his first two ideas sucked worse than a diarrhea Slurpee, we were going with my idea, “You need to get a monkey!”
That’s kinda my go-to-answer. I think everyone would be happier with a monkey. If you don’t think that’s a good idea to hand out monkeys to every Tom, Dick and Harpo, well, my friend, you recalcitrant enemy of coolness, I came up with ten reasons you need to get a monkey:
1. Cats stomp in their litter box and get crap stuck in the fur on their legs and then they go walking around your house or apartment, maybe they hop up on your bed and curl their shit-stained fur and feet on your pillow – and that’s neat. Dogs will eat their own poop, come over and lick your face with their shit-coated tongue. That’s sweet. But a monkey will actually hurl its feces at your house -guests. That’s rad. Monkey wins.
2. And what better way to get that cute girl’s phone number than to have your shit-flinging monkey tag her with some poop from across the party. You apologize and offer to pay her dry cleaning, you know a few to recommend because you’ve run-up pretty hefty dry-cleaning bills because of your shit-flinging monkey.
3. You always have options for Halloween. You can be the Man In the Yellow Hat and your monkey can play Curious George. If you’re into drag you can be the Wicked Witch of the East and slap some wings on your monkey and you’re good to go. Nothing says I came to win this costume contest like a real flying monkey.
4. You know who had a monkey. Michael Jackson. You and Michael Jackson would both be proud parents to a monkey.
5. You know who also had a monkey? The poet and writer, Langston Hughes. Yeah. Kinda classes up the whole shit-flinging, doesn’t it?. Gives it a literary air. The poop is symbolic of your struggles to attain communion with nature.
6. Dogs need to go for walks, like, what, twice a day? Cats don’t require as much exercise. But a monkey, he just needs some bars and ropes. And if you’re a stoner, you always have entertainment. You think it’s fun to watch your cat do shit when you’re high? Just imagine a monkey and a laser pointer. Yeah. Boom! *Mind-blown*
7. Whenever you want to leave a party early, and you’re on the fence about taking home that cute guy, you can always say, “Yeah, I need to get going, I have to go home and feed my monkey.” Talk about a litmus test for a dude to step up and show you what he’s working with. Bam, son! If you have a response to that, you got game and probably just earned a chance to meet the monkey in person.
8. When you’re really bored you can act out scenes from Friends reruns between Marcel the monkey and Ross or Joey.
“How big a star is Marcel?”
“In human terms? …I’d say Cybill Shepherd.”
And if you’re really, really bored you could do some scenes from Outbreak.
9. If you’re going to be late somewhere but you need to make a good first impression, if they have kids, like, say your boss has kids or you’re dating a single mother and picking her up at her house for the first time and you’re late, just mention that you’re terribly sorry but you’re late because of your monkey. She has a cold. You think sick baby will get you out of a speeding ticket? Sick monkey will get you a promotion. It’s like you’re a good one to have around at company picnics. Everyone likes the woman who has a pet monkey. Clearly she’s got lots about her that you’ll never know. It’s a friendly mystery. It’s a monkey.
10. Okay, let’s be real about something: most pets you get in your twenties or thirties are either practice kids or surrogate love babies. Either you want to make sure you can keep something that you love alive and well, and get used to going to expensive places like the vet. Or you want a cuddle buddy, someone to come home to who is just as excited to see you, as you are to see them. Well, all I hear is … you should get a monkey. If you need a cuddle buddy a monkey is like a cat with hands. If you’re looking for a warm-up baby, a monkey will act erratic, wake you up out of a sound sleep and sling shit around your place — seems about right.
See what I mean? So maybe it’s time you get yourself a monkey.