I Lie Awake In A World Where I Cannot Call You Mine

Yanapi Senaud / Unsplash

I lie awake in a world that I cannot seem to call my own, living with spiraling thoughts that betray me, that I wish were not my own.

I am in love with a man that I cannot call my own, that I cannot hope to ever call mine.

I lie awake gently brushing my fingertips along the lines of your face; your eyes, your lips, your cheeks, the curve of your nose, only to realize you are not there. 

You are a figment of my imagination triggered by the heavy emptiness in my chest, a hole that you used to fill with your presence and with the better half of my heart your half. 

I lie awake as the cars outside never go to sleep, their lights and noises almost unnoticeable to me. The world never stops or pauses for anyone – as much as I would like for it to, at least for me. I hear nothing outside because the thoughts of you in my head are all that I hear and all that I see – they seem to take up so much space that it becomes hard to breathe.

I lie awake in the middle of the night, in the middle of a grass field, the moonlight being my only source of light, where the night sky and stars become my home, only because it was the beauty in which you portrayed them to me that allowed my heart to roam.

I lie awake and look out at the ocean in front of me – it feels like the swaying waves call out my name.

I think of how small and likely insignificant I am, as I imagine the countless galaxies and planets that envelop us.

I lie awake imagining that you are lying awake too – thinking of me although oceans away. 

Vast amounts of ocean that create the most impossible space between us, such infinite amounts, but that I would swim across in a heartbeat if I could make it if I knew you were there if I knew you were waiting for me on the other side.

I lie awake as everyone lives their lives, blind to my insomnia, heartache, and loneliness. After all, they say we are only the center of our own world – not of anyone else’s. We are only significant to ourselves.

I lie awake because I cannot relate to that – because I know, without a doubt, that you are the center of my world, you are all I think about, yet I lie awake in a world where I cannot call you mine.

I lie awake in a world that I cannot seem to call my own because my soulmate lives on the other side of the world. Is this what you would call destiny? Why would destiny place two people that are meant to be together on opposite sides of the world? Just to have its entertainment? 

I lie awake because It seems like a cruel joke to me – placing two people that love each other so far away from each other, making it almost impossible to be together. I lie awake because it hurts to know that this is what destiny has granted us, a love worth fighting for but also, a love that hurts beyond belief because I cannot hold your hand in mine or hear your laughter at any waking moment. 

I lie awake with my head on your chest, hearing your heartbeat that has come to beat like mine. It brings me such inexplicable serenity and contentment, that all I can do is lie awake and hold onto it – hear it – forever – not missing a single beat.

I lie awake hoping that maybe one day I can live in a world where I can call you mine, where I can accept that the universe no longer keeps us apart, where I can finally feel like calling the world my own is the right thing to do. TC mark

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