“I wish I had someone call me to purely just ask me how I am. To hold my hand. To really care about how my day went. To spend their days with me. I wish I had that.”
When loneliness lingers in the depths of a mind, for longer than expected, certain unwelcome thoughts tend to inhabit themselves and make a home. Inescapable, so many of them that the thoughts create this inner sadness within, digging into our souls, as if an immeasurable amount of weight is holding us down.
I often wonder whether this feeling is unique, in a negative manner, or whether anyone that is lonely experiences it. A black, soul-sucking feeling that feels like I’m drowning and empty…all at once.
Initially, when I’m alone, an overthinking process gradually begins… later transforming into thoughts that seem to overpower my being. “Why isn’t anyone talking to me? Why do I always seem to be the one chasing people? Putting in effort?” I’m sure everyone thinks that sometime in their lives, and maybe in every point in one’s life there’s that thought, maybe you’re in that same boat right now.
Suddenly, you feel the roots of flowers and trees begin to grow inside you, a sense of contentment creating room for itself. This happens when almost-epiphany has emerges from your mind and your heart, as you realise that through times of loneliness, the mind can either go against you – pull you through to the frozen, unlit, depths of its home – or lift you higher – creating a glowing golden light of warmth and fulfilment. And one thing for sure is that the manner in which we think can be controlled – whether our mind is alone or surrounded by other minds.
The growing process begins, whether it’s after a painful or healing experience, or both, you grow. You might meet people that you thought were your true friends, and they slowly but surely show you who they really are, who they were the whole time under that fake mask. Harsh words, but I assure you, true. They might make you feel worthless, but as you get older, you realise they were the ones who got you to where you are, they were the ones who made you see the difference between what is real and what isn’t, they were the ones who taught you what true friendship isn’t.
Fast forward a few years and your friendship circles are narrowed down, and there is only two to four of you – and all of you could not be more compatible. It seems like a dream, and it sure is, because look at how they’ve made you see the world, from different eyes but from the same hearts – genuinely kind hearts.
I guess this is a story about friendship, how your friends and the good-hearted people around you are all you need. How we, as people, need to stop searching for that one person that we think will make us happy, because they cannot be searched for – when the time comes, it comes. But friendships can always be built and found.
The lonely thoughts vanish into thin air the more time you spend with people who love you. The more time passes, the more you will know who your soulmates are – and trust me, you will know, because you will feel a happiness that was never there before. The piece of your heart that is missing, along with the brokenness, will be healed and (almost) forgotten.
What makes it hard to forget the brokenness is knowing a person that awakens the other piece of your heart, as if it belongs to them, and suddenly – having them leave. A person who, like silk on skin, made their lips soothe yours, forming an abyss of passion. A person who is able to make their lost lips dance with ours, finding a map in each other, following a sequence, a pattern, that is almost natural. What makes it hard to remember and appreciate the other good people in life is losing the one you believed was the best, the only one.
The map his lips formed guided me to deep waters, that at first glance almost seemed safe, but then this one person would do the inevitable. He would break his sails and turn to black waters, an entirely different sensation – a sensation that could shatter the boat, the home, the life you both shared.
This is a message for me and for anyone else who needs it. Stop searching for something or someone, that ‘special person’ will come to you when the time is right. I’m ending this year hopefully on a good note, and I hope all of you are too. Remember to always be kind because you’re making the world a better place with even just a small smile to a stranger. Any regrets? If it’s something you can’t change, it’s time to let it go. Feel like you owe someone an apology? Give it to them. Look at the people that are already here, they are the ones you’ll cherish the most.