I know that I can get very lonely as single girl, especially around Christmas. I seem to overlook all the other people I have wonderful relationships with, and instead compare myself to people in love. I wish people would stop asking if I have a boyfriend, isn’t it just the worst?! So to help all you gals out, I have made a list of all the things you need to survive.
1. Obviously, Netflix. You cannot be a lonely self- deprecating single if you don’t have Netflix to occupy you on a Friday night.
2. Pillows with pictures of your friends’ faces on. You don’t have any real friends to talk to anymore because they all have people to love, and that is precisely why Netflix is your only companion.
3. Some sort of smart phone. Preferably something that shows when people have read and ignored your messages, so you dissolve into a weeping mess every time you open your inbox. You can also use tinder which is lucky as you are incapable of talking to anyone real because you’re so #awkward.
4. A picture of your parents on their wedding day. To remind you that that will never be you.
5. Food. Of course. Don’t scroll through that Facebook newsfeed without some kind of ice cream or melted cheese! You need to feel unhealthy while you look upon pixelated happiness!
6. Lots of make-up. You are single because you are ugly.
7. A line you use to convince others you are happy being single. Maybe ‘I’m learning to love myself!’ because you can only love one person at a time; it’s either you or your significant other, never both at once. Remember, you need to practice this line to make it believable. There’s no way a person can be genuinely happy without having someone who takes up half the bed.
8. An abundance of gin to drown your single sorrows.
9. The Notebook on DVD! Preferably next your Beyoncé CDs. Display all of this on what I call the ‘single shelf’ in your room. Throw a couple of self-help books on there and one of your ex’s t-shirts and you are good to go.
10. Patience. Your soul mate will come along wen u least expect it, hon — I promise!
If you can’t do any of these, maybe just go and do something else instead. Just make sure everyone knows you’re STILL single while you’re doing it.