You’re going to feel like the air suddenly has more oxygen, I don’t know; something is going to kick your blood into coursing and you’ll feel very almost painfully awake. You’re going to start seeing things differently.
I have an embarrassing confession: I love Jenna Marbles. For the tragically unfamiliar, Jenna Marbles is a hot girl on YouTube who weekly bestows genius pearls of life advice on her viewers while wearing a turtle backpack and balancing cute dogs on her chest.
Thank you for always being closest to me even when we were in separate time zones and separate stages of life. Thank you for not letting us get split by dumb facts like distance or time.
They don’t respect your time. Right NOW is the opportune moment for that tedious task/remodeling project/huge argument, damn it, screw your econ exam or flight that leaves in two hours.
Maybe you’re the one getting married and you don’t want to vom at your own wedding, which is pretty legit. But, don’t be surprised if everyone in your wedding party does — good job scheduling a May 6th wedding, you sadist.
Quiet your own voice. Don’t do or say anything even mildly transgressive for fear of looking, sounding, or feeling ridiculous. Don’t make any definitive statements; keep your sketches and bad poetry confined to a journal and shake your head vehemently if someone asks to see.
But I’m going to tell you right now, I’m not upset about being single. In fact, I would venture to say I love it.
There is quite possibly nothing more irritating and homicidal-feelings-inducing than being somewhere with your girlfriend and having some unimaginative weirdo ask “So who’s the guy?”
Thus candy buttons, the most aggravating sweet treat ever, were born. Here’s how you eat them: peel one off ever so slowly so as to avoid getting that obnoxious chunk of paper. Get chunk of paper nonetheless and swear under your breath.
You’re not just paying for a service; you’re commissioning a work of art — the goal is not to get the best deal but to get something worth paying for.