I Want Irrational Love

I want a love that will breathe life back into my sleeping viscera. I want a love that crushes my past half-lives into a fine dust, a love that obliterates the crumpled strung out papery cutouts, a love that scribbles the last word and seals the letter. I want a love that will change me, alter me, add to me; spin new neural networks in my brain matter like shiny silver webs. I want a love that will make the word itself feel heavy, oversaturated with a strange, exhilarating weight.

No, I don’t want to be reasonable. I don’t want to make the “responsible choice” — I know you’re not it but you’re what I want. I want you because I can’t chart you, because I don’t want to chart you, because even if I did I wouldn’t know how. I don’t want to schedule time with you. I don’t want to schedule life with you. I don’t want to fit you into my surroundings like a piece of furniture. You have too many sharp edges.

You scare the shit out of me and I like it that way.

Transform me. Peel off the graffitied scrap canvas and expose the vulnerable untouchable layer, let me become something unblemished and clean underneath you; brush off my fragile wrappings onto the cold floor and brand your mutable colors into my skin. Hold me tightly for a moment. I don’t want to know better, everyone always knows better and that’s how they forget how to feel.

I want a love that blots out the time of day.

I want a love that squeezes my heart taut in an unyielding rope corset, a love that froths and raises the blood into an angry crimson blue and pushes down the liquid until it overflows. I want to get lost in the worn map of your skin; I want to run my lips over each one of your crazily-multiplying cells and feel them crackle with electricity against my tongue. I want your heartbeat to fill my ears, deep and resounding like the ocean, rippling through my gray matter in elastic organic waves, your breath expanding in the ether, seeping into the empty red chambers of my lungs and pushing out the negative space.

No one loves like that anymore. Why.

Maybe they do. Maybe there are people who only know how to love this way.

I want a love that splinters the interconnected fibers, leaves me dizzy and aching and staggering blindly away from the crash.

But not for long, I’ll put my drink down and turn the lights on. I’ll wash out my glass in the sink and only want neat love, love that behaves itself, love that doesn’t make you exert yourself. I’ll load another basket of clothes into the washer or absently chew a carrot, wanting a love that won’t make me sweat.

Sometimes I want reasonable love.

And sometimes I want to get whiplash and never recover. Sometimes I want a love that covers me, consumes me, squeezes insistent against my aorta and temporal lobe; a blinding chemical supernova that rises and blossoms and burns in my arms.

I want a dream love, a vivid dimensional aria as sharp and intangible as the heady vanishing scent of night orchids; a love the shape of luminous tear-shaped white hot glass before I wake up to the harsh daylight disoriented and spacey, arms full of vapor, smelling of ash and sulphur. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

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  • Sarah

    Oh my god…that was the most perfect thing I’ve ever read.

  • Lovely

    This is the most beautiful, staggering, overwhelming piece I have ever read.

  • http://triplethreatmentality.wordpress.com diemlynn

    One of the most beautiful posts on TC. Well done Mila.

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/08/i-want-irrational-love-2/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] Thought Catalog » Love & Sex Add a comment […]

  • http://noubelle.wordpress.com Crystal

    Reblogged this on Noubelle and commented:
    This is what everyone should want – a “passionate love.” No one should want “comfort love.”

  • tiff

    this made me cry.
    it’s a slap in the face to everyoneone that told me we need to be careful with love.
    Thank you Mila.

  • Mo

    And thats exactly what I feel with him, with the ‘wrong’ choice.

  • Sasha

    Do you have any idea how much this confuses me after reading other articles on here about how relationships shouldn’t consume and dominate your life? Especially after reading Ryan’s “Ways you should expect to be treated in a relationship” yesterday!!!

  • Marissa

    whoa..i need to reread this again and again

  • Mary

    Disagree with this entirely. It’s beautiful in the short term and everybody should experience it once, but this kind of love is immature and codependent. And it fizzles.

  • feelies

    i think i only know how to love this way
    i’m sorry to say, it’s never fun in the end

  • http://blog.theloveapp.com/?p=32 Check out Thought Catalog | The Love App

    […] https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/i-want-irrational-love/ This entry was posted in Uncategorized by tinafine. Bookmark the permalink. […]

  • http://twitter.com/MylumStone Mylum Stone (@MylumStone)

    is good

  • Krista

    “No one loves like that anymore. Why.”

    Right?! I think it’s because the modern world has become fear-ridden and everyone wants security over everything — even over passion. Collectively, logic has begun to outweigh the heart. Everyone is afraid of getting burned by the heat; tepid is safe. No one takes risks anymore; boring is safe. This shift away from emotion is tragic for both love and art.

    You don’t happen to be a fan of the author Jeanette Winterson? If not, you should be.

    • 26yearold

      no one loves like that for too long because it’s NOT healthy and it’s far too copendent and it unbalances everything else good in your life. not cause people are boring. just that they grow up and learn to balance passion with responsibility. it’s totally possible, but you can’t have too extreme of anything. poetic and sensuous as it seems, it never ends in a healthy way.

    • watts

      if you actually believe that, i dont know what world you live in. isn’t this what happens every time a girl is attracted to the bad boy who doesn’t give a shit about them instead of the nice guy who does? and as far as i can tell the former happens much more than the latter.

  • michaelwg

    Am I the only one that just wants to own a dog?

    • H

      No, me too!!

    • Carly

      This is by far my favorite comment

    • http://portrait2mysoul.wordpress.com portrait2mysoul

      haha and im sitting over here like -uh, I like cake haha.

  • MM

    And this is why 50 Shades of Grey is the #1 book in America, and the divorce rate is 50%. I don’t want an irrational love. I want a love that lasts.

    • Elizabeth

      I wholeheartedly agree. I did the irrational love thing- it ended in heartache and emptiness.

    • Jk

      This has just taken the best comment prize.

    • 26yearold

      I cringed the whole time I read 50 Shades. Their love was so addicted and codependent and unhealthy! never would it last in real life.

  • Stacie

    This sounds like it could be done as a spoken word.

    • Kae

      I read it ala spoken word. Crying halfway through, too.

  • Anya

    Am I the only one who thinks this reads like something you’d write in a 100-level creative writing course?

    • http://seafollies.wordpress.com r4yne

      totally agree ^

    • Alexandrine

      You’re not the only one. Words about emotions (ie, “exhilarating”) rather than words that engender them.

    • Plam

      Agree ^

  • http://audben.wordpress.com auddity

    this.

  • http://audben.wordpress.com auddity

    Reblogged this on Everyone is Straight Until They're Not and commented:
    This is beautiful. Just wanted to share. (Some of us do still love like this.)

  • Emily

    This is absolutely beautiful. I cried.

  • alysiavictoria@gmail.com

    it’s possible! http://www.snippetandink.com/kathryn-loves/paul-newman-joanne-woodward/ aaand that’s all i have to say about that.

    • Kolby

      I don’t feel like that represents the kind of love that the article is referring to. She’s taking about weird, unhealthy, obsessive, all consuming love. Paul and Joanne seem to be more of a fun, happy, healthy love. She says the secret to their 50 year marriage is laughter, not creepy “I want to wear your skin as a meat suit” behaviour.

      • alysiavictoria@gmail.com

        hahah yah i kinda realized that a second after i posted it. no delete option. wooooooops.

  • Jay

    Beautiful. I was just thinking I have a healthy relationship. But another part of me thinks I don’t want healthy. I want unhealthy, irrational, guts-on-shoes, kind of love. Ahg.

  • http://sancastleproductions.wordpress.com sancastleproductions

    Its truly amazing how you have put together words that a lot people feel but have a hard time expressing… Thinking to myself as I was reading “this is how I feel about him…”

  • CARLA

    Wow, beautiful words. Guys, not everything that is written ever needs to be 100% true, it just needs to fulfill the audience’s needs and entertain. And it did entertain me, I must say. Who wants to keep reading about cheesy, happy, healthy, forever-and-ever love anyways? Not me.

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