23 Things I Should Be Able To Do At 23 (But Can’t)

1. Parallel park.

2. Brush off a passive aggressive text like NBD instead of agonizing over what it “meant” for days. (Hint: nothing.)

3. Interpret criticism from my parents as “occasionally condescending but overall constructive” rather than “full-frontal personal attack.”

4. Make the connection between the amount of alcohol consumed and the projected ferocity of the hangover.

5. Make the connection between working out regularly (key: regularly) and not feeling like a bag of moldy asses.

6. Curl my own hair without ending up like Shirley Temple or setting fire to my forehead.

7. Slice ridiculously large, confusing fruit (pineapples?) without hurting myself or people in the vicinity.

8. Understand that money not going directly toward rent, bills, or hollow but necessary needs does not automatically qualify as “fun money.”

9. Plan more than a month in advance without it seeming as laborious and nonsensical as solving a Rubik’s cube colorblind.

10. Hold a baby. Smile at a baby. Acknowledge a baby without rolling my eyes.

11. Realize that deleting the digital record will probably feel good for a minute but won’t erase their imprint on the heart.

12. Realize that “coping” really means “distracting yourself effectively until it doesn’t hurt anymore.”

13. Realize that there will always be people who don’t get it and explaining it to them is always a boring waste of time.

14. Know how to sew on a button. Or fix anything at all.

15. Know the difference between the washing machine settings and perhaps even use them.

16. Know the difference between loving and being in love when both experiences arise.

17. Cancel my subscription to NYLON. (Just kidding, no. I’m going to channel my inner 17-year-old hipster from Ohio until my neon lipstick bleeds into my lip wrinkles.)

18. Say no to Russian guys wanting to go shot for shot.

19. Say no in general.

20. Stop going on Facebook when I’m sad or bored or nostalgic.

21. Stop going on the internet when I’m sad or bored or nostalgic.

22. Stop imagining idyllic futures with beautiful strangers.

23. Step outside of who I think I am for a while and just try doing something else. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

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    build things from Ikea

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      A+.

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    8. Understand that money not going directly toward rent, bills, or hollow but necessary needs does not automatically qualify as “fun money.”

    Guilty.

  • H

    #22 Well, shit. I didn’t realize I shouldn’t be doing that :/

  • letirodriguez

    #22 FTW.

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    Oh my god. This speaks to me.

  • Leeja

    Haha I think a lot of these things go on the “List of things that I’ll probably never learn because I’m a human”

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    this really started hitting home at #11.

  • http://twitter.com/velvetfeel Jolien (@velvetfeel)

    “22. Stop imagining idyllic futures with beautiful strangers” NEVER!

  • Claire

    i can do all the literal things but none of the figurative things

  • http://juliegoeshealthy.blogspot.com Julie

    I wish I knew how to pick fruit and veggies better… and know my alcohol limit.

  • http://gravatar.com/samnesia Sam

    Mila! Hi! Another list about an age in the twenties!

    Except I’m okay with that. It’s comforting to know that other people deal with this shit.

    BUT. That being said, it would be even more comforting to know that other people got this shit under control.

  • Addendum

    24. Stop writing trite summations of first world existential problems as if they have revelance outside of preaching to the emo-ass choir.
    25. Stop thinking, start doing (start making a change in yourself instead of making the same mistakes again and again).
    26. Fuck your motherfucking horoscope.
    27. Stop picking at scars (emotional and real).
    28. Stop criticizing others for your own mistakes.
    29. Be vulnerable again again.
    30. Lose that beer belly.
    31. Not feel the need to have sex or masturbate or do drugs or get wasted to feel better about yourself.
    32. Make new friends, try new things, stop being a fucking hermit and thinking that being alone is fulfilling when all you feel when you’re alone is alone.
    33. Stop tweeting.
    34. Stop settling.
    35. Be better than this. I know you are better than this. C’mon!

    • Rea

      You sound like you’re not a lot of fun.

    • milajaroniec

      I like my beer belly thankyouverymuch.

  • http://ampleproportions.tumblr.com kc

    I don’t think anyone’s been able to do #22. :D

  • Danielle

    #10. My life.

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