Why You Should Get Drunk Right Now

Because you have to go to a graduation party. Or a baby shower. Or a wedding. Because it’s 90 degrees and you’re evidently expected to wear dress pants or pantyhose. Because there will be people there who will undoubtedly ask you whether you’re still single. Because you’re sick of answering that question. Because you’re sick of answering any question.

Because this is your first summer home from college and everything’s different and sad. Because this is your last summer before college and everything’s going to change in a major way and you can’t pin down your feelings. Because this is just another summer and everything’s the same, just like it always has been.

Because you’re really tired. Because that thing you’ve been working on for five hours is right where it was when you started. Because you can’t write more than one paragraph without getting up for coffee or a cigarette. Because you want to try out the “write drunk, edit sober” thing and see if it works. Because it’s a nice day out and you have friends to drink with. Because it’s a nice day out and all your friends are busy.

Because you want to sit out on a deck in a hat and sundress and pretend to be Daisy Buchanan. Because it’s too humid and lazy to do anything else. Because you don’t want to think about the horrible week you’ve had. Because it’s been three days and they still haven’t called. Because you’re tired of agonizing over whether or not you should call them. Because every once in awhile you like to forget that you are yourself.

Because you need to do something to make The Big Bang Theory actually funny. Because you have too many feelings. Because you miss your best friend. Because you miss your roommates. Because you miss your corner store and your childhood and actually all of a sudden you miss everyone. Because you just happened to catch a rerun of Full House or Clarissa Explains It All and you can’t figure out when things got so hard.

Because they don’t love you anymore. Because you don’t love them anymore, even though you said you always would. Because you’re stalking their Facebook and they look really happy. Because you don’t remember them looking so happy when you were together. Because you promised yourself you wouldn’t think about it and now you’re thinking about it. Because you really want to make yourself cry.

Because you have the whole day free and no one has texted. Because you have the whole day free and everyone texted, but you feel particularly UFSI so screw it. Because at your age, someone already has a PhD in astrophysics and someone has become a well-known composer or contortionist and you’re just sitting there on the couch in your underwear. Because you’re spiraling now. Because you’ll never be good enough for your parents anyway. Because the person you love is too far away.

Because there are about fifteen responsible adult things you should be doing but you don’t feel like doing any of them. Because you have a fancy bottle of wine you were saving for some fancy occasion but whatever. Because you need an excuse to eat McDonald’s. Because you’re watching Mad Men and missing an era you never experienced. Because it’s happy hour. Because you’re sexually frustrated. Because you’re listening to Enya for some reason. Because you’ve decided to pregame brunch.

Because someone just started playing Robyn and you’re getting how you always get when you listen to Robyn. Because you just tried to call them and they changed their number. Because your boyfriend will never be that dude in 50 Shades of Grey. Because existentialism. Because Jack Kerouac. Because it’s your birthday. Because who cares. Because today is just another day and why the hell not. TC mark


image – Shutterstock


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  • Harrison Byrne

    Because Mila Jaroniec taps you on the shoulder and reminds you just how shit your life really is.

    • http://gravatar.com/milajaroniec milajaroniec

      I feel kinda bad now.. :(

      • Critical Drinking

        You perfectly mapped out the logic that led me into the deep dark abyss of alcoholism.

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  • carmon

    Well thanks i feel quite depressed now

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  • CoolHandLuke

    *Kssht* glug glug…ahhhh

  • Thanks, I feel great (sarcasm)

    Because I have to go to work in a few hours and I can’t get drunk. And 90 percent of the sad things in this article.

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  • thelastglance

    I will have to respectfully disagree with you about The Big Bang Theory. That show is hilarious. As an alcoholic, all of those are really good reasons for getting drunk. My reasons tend to be stupid, minuscule, and tend to make no sense at all.

  • i shouldn't be an elementary school teacher

    I loved this, even though it made me depressed. everything you said made sense to me. i think I’ll get drunk

  • Glug

    I was abstaining for 30 days and got through 8. Then I went out to dinner with a friend and had Deep Conversations that required Social Lubrication. Then I came home and read this article. And I feel totally justified in falling off the wagon. Which wasn’t really a wagon anyway.

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    […] Why You Should Get Drunk Right Now.  And while I found this last one to be a bit depressing, my love for it was solidified when I read the line, “Because someone just started playing Robyn and you’re getting how you always get when you listen to Robyn.”  Because I love Robyn.  And I always get a certain way when I listen to Robyn (specifically Dancing on My Own). And how did they know that? […]

  • http://properblog.tumblr.com Jennifer

    I want a drink really badly now, but it’s only 9am.

    • http://www.facebook.com/emily.mancer Emily Mancer

      that calls for a bloody mary, i’d say.

  • madison nightingale

    cause my ex wife of 3 years ass dialed me while shes talking to her new boyfriend… time to get shitty

  • Thought Catalog

    Reblogged this on Mikaela Ayeera's and commented:

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