Why You Keep Coming Back

Because you’re addicted. Because you know exactly what Edward meant when he called Bella his own “personal brand of heroin” and you’re ashamed to admit you feel that way. Because you’re like a moth to the flame with this person, because you know you’ll get hurt in the end and yet. Because a part of you knows better and another part doesn’t want to; because you’re not ready to all-the-way know better. Because this is a suicide leap but the way they make you feel makes it somehow worth it.

Because they speak your language. Because they understand you even when they don’t. Because on some deep, intrinsic level you just get each other. Because sometimes it seems like they know you better than you know yourself. Because they’ve seen the worst of you and the best; because, regardless of how they hurt you, you still feel an inexplicable trust.

Because you’re afraid. You’re afraid you’ll never be loved like that again; you’re afraid no one else will be in tune with you, your moods, the essence of who you are in this necessary specific way. Because you’re afraid you don’t have the capacity to love anyone like that again; afraid all your love energy is spent, afraid you’re incapable of ever emotionally getting it up for anyone else. Because you’ve never been so vulnerable with anyone else and the thought of even trying makes you feel hopeless and tired.

Because you think this time will be different, think that with all the naiveté of someone proposing marriage to their drug addicted mate hoping that’s the move that will cure them. “This time will be different” — you hear people say that and you roll your eyes so loud you wake up the neighbors but you do exactly the same thing; the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Because you think you can make this work if you try a little harder, if you just push a little more.

Because you believe in it, against your better judgment. Because you think it’s worth it; because you don’t stop to consider the very real possibility that the negatives outweigh the positives. Because you think you owe each other, your history, something still; because you feel inherently bonded and you don’t want to break it. Because you leave logic out of it; because after all, the heart wants what the heart wants and what can you do about that.

Because you live in the past, because you remember who you were once, who they were, and what you had; remember this and want to rewind. Because you think it’s possible to somehow recreate an idealized past in an unsure future. Because you’ve been holding onto the possibility of becoming a whole again for months, for years, safe and protected by the idea that no matter what happens, you’re not alone because of that faint background possibility of Us.

Because you think they’ll change, you’ll change, the circumstances will change; things will somehow mysteriously get better. Because you think this time around you’ll appreciate each other because you know what it’s like to be without. Because you have kids together. Because you have a dog together. Because you have amazing memories together. Because you have an “amor vincit omnia” tattoo. Because Hollywood or literature or God made you believe that love is enough. Because you don’t want to think about the possibility of a world in which it isn’t. TC mark

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  • Emil Caillaux

    Timely. Veeeeeeeeeery timely, Mila.

  • http://bustlingwoods.wordpress.com bustlingwoods

    Oh. Story of my life.

  • burgy

    the last two paragraphs have been my oprah “aha” moment

  • mel

    I agree. Very nice. Very true. Very dangerous.

  • http://playingdressup.wordpress.com WildChild

    Reblogged this on Wild Children.

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  • Katie

    So true.

  • http://www.facebook.com/alyssa.estrada.121 Alyssa Estrada

    Sometimes it IS different. For all the times its not, sometimes luck and love come together for someone who worked hard enough and waited long enough. One day you can find yourself staring into the eyes of someone who has snot running out of their nose and whos cheeks are beet red from crying/apologizing so much and you just know. It doesn’t matter how unattractive their crying face is, because its still the face of the person you would give your life up for and who you know would do the same for you. You can feel it by the way they look at you, from the way they hold your hand, from their words that, finally, are as heartfelt as yours.

    I’ve been called stupid for the past 10 years of my life for holding onto the shred of hope that one day he’d get his act together and I can now happily claim victory and revel in the quiet comfort that I wasn’t especially stupid, just stubborn.

    • Anon

      Thank you for writing this comment.

    • nicole

      seconding the thank you. thank you thank you thank you.

  • #lifestory

    I wish it ended with a ” But it’s not worth it”

    Because experience teaches you that its not!

  • Deanna

    I feel like I’ve just been punched in the stomach.

  • http://twitter.com/LeelaChrista Miss Navarro (@LeelaChrista)

    Your timing is impeccable…. Speechless.

  • Britney

    One of the most true, insightful, and beautifully written things I’ve ever read. Yes, it sort of made me cry. But I love it, because that’s exactly why.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ashley.cyd22 Ashley Burch

    ugh :(
    I hate the truth of this.

  • http://twitter.com/Z_paws Zawkward (@Z_paws)


  • http://twitter.com/mutterhals stacie adams (@mutterhals)

    Oh christ, will the scourge of Twilight ever end?

  • http://mookaela.tumblr.com Mikee

    Reblogged this on Estorgasms, bananas, and oreos and commented:
    Mila just read my thoughts

  • ETS

    It kills me how painfully true all of this is.

  • Stephanie

    Such clear insight//expression of the painful reality why we keep coming back

  • http://kristindalerivera.wordpress.com kristindalerivera

    Reblogged this on DaleVerse and commented:
    This pretty much sums up my state of mind these days.

  • amarantabuendia

    The Twilight reference made me vomit.

  • Anon

    “Because you know exactly what Edward meant when he called Bella his own “personal brand of heroin.”

    Are you fucking serious?

    • mimiunicornify

      LOL. exactly what i thought!

  • Maya

    Sadly, this is true for way too many people including myself.

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