Thought Catalog

A Letter To My Long-Distance Crush

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Let’s drink whiskey ginger ales all night. Let’s not even worry about what’s going on tomorrow, let’s not remember how old we are and let’s just get drunk on each other, get wide-eyed and get heart-shocked like we’re confiding our dreams in someone who gets it for the first time ever. Let’s be into each other like we’ve never been into anyone, let’s go extra fast like our nervous systems just did mega rails and let’s get more and more enamored of each other; let’s stay up all night talking ecstatically like everything’s new.

Let’s be honest, honest like we’ve never been. Let’s tell each other the truth about things, why not? The blunt horrible fat-legged truth is what really gets someone to like you, not those drippy approximations; no one falls in love with you until you show them some grit. Let’s lay down the secrets trapped under our skins, confessions and insecurities like we’ve never had the courage to describe. Let’s get into our first times having sex, let’s be honest it was terrible and yet we spent so much time trying to convince everyone it was magical, what the hell? No, life is ugly sometimes. Let’s accept that and feel lightened by it.

Let’s not compare. Let’s leave off our pasts, our sad relationships, leave the skeletons to crumble in the closet among the dusty wine bottles and moldy papers and let ourselves be each other’s ritual cleanse. Let’s not place each other next to the demons and superstars of our former selves and instead draw our outlines on separate canvases. Let’s stop carrying the past around desperately like the last sip of water in a desert, no one needs that; we hang onto it because we think we’re holding onto ourselves that way but really it’s just the lead weight of dead things we’re afraid to throw off.

I appreciate you; I want you to know that. I appreciate you for your eyesight: you don’t see only what things look like but what they represent; you see beauty in things, see them for what they really are not just what you project. You have this crazy ability to pin down the exact coincidental fragility of things that is just so. And you have this ability to see beauty in ugliness, or rather, to see ugliness — ugliness is just another type of beauty when your eyes aren’t all blurry, why doesn’t everyone know that? I have so much to learn from you.

I want you to hold my hand in the dark, shoulders touching. I want you to kiss me in the most intimate place you can kiss someone; kiss me on my palms or the insides of my wrists, where you let someone kiss you when you trust them. Let me hear your mellow heartbeat, let me take your glasses off your face when you fall asleep on top of Bret Easton Ellis. I want you to smooth my hair away from my face when my hands are covered in hot sauce and I can’t do it. You won’t need me to explain anything.

But these things won’t happen. I’ll never meet you, you’re too far away for these things to be real; I think I’m talking to myself again.

I’ll never have you, but maybe that’s better because I’ve idealized you in Shakespearean proportions: the thoughts, the words, the poetry; everything’s there but it isn’t. The bleary-eyed reality of it: the deep sad reality of miles and schedules and all the impossible money and what is there to do, really? There’s an organic mass in my heart soaked through with blood but it’s just radio waves. It’s enough to make you tired, realizing the unreachable vastness of your purest emotions you get crushed get complacent and give it up in favor of something you can hold.

At least this way we won’t wonder what would have happened if we met and it didn’t work out. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

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    • http://www.riatarded.wordpress.com/ ria

      I .<

      Maybe for my first ever crush yes! 

    • http://www.facebook.com/neusdadt Arbie Baguios

      Story of my life at this very fucking moment.

      • http://twitter.com/msheidijo Heidi Goss

        ditto.

      • Sia

        idem

    • Belle

      Y SO RELEVANT.

    • Jessica_roy91

      this is one of the most accuarate and beautiful that i’ve read in a while about that. It just describe what i’m going since past october.

    • BananaBear

      You are by far my favorite author on this entire website. Everything you write is so raw and unfiltered making it that much more powerful. Your writing style is unique and I hope to see much more!

    • Oliveira

      <3

    • Anonymous

      you had me at whiskey gingers

    • guest

      I had to comment and say this piece was amazing. I’ve felt this way about a friend for six years….

    • http://twitter.com/sarahzmri sarah zamri ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

      I saw the link to riatarded. And hoping that I’m not the only one saw that.

    • niovia

      this piece describes exactly how I felt for my imaginary, unattainable love for a very long time. i never thought I would be able to escape the realisation that it would never happen. i was secretly relieved that it wouldn’t for the same reasons you state above. all this until i actually found someone who makes me want to stop thinking about that imaginary scenario. thank you for reminding me to be appreciative of what i have. 

      you are my absolute favourite writer on this site.

    • guest

      i felt like this 2 years ago. the distance is a huge killer because we both don’t have money to meet each other. 

      • http://twitter.com/palespectre flipside of amemory

         I know the feeling…

      • mfjonny

        Bullshit.

    • Jaclyn

      This took such a real and heartbreaking turn. Beautiful.

    • Eve

      This is so painfully accurate and so raw and real and relevant that reading it actually made my face get hot and my eyes get watery. Now my make up is running. Bravo!

    • Jiya

      Show this to my crush, who is also my best friend’s ex? Wowsers.

    • http://www.facebook.com/leelacnavarro Leela Navarro

      Speechless. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/leelacnavarro Leela Navarro

      speechless. 

    • Beea_73

      the thing is that it sounds better in paper than in real life. it s better to let it at the level of dreams, of “what ifs” than make it a bad experience with broken hearts. this is the reality!  you’re dreaming girl,  wake up!!!- at least that s what im telling myself :)

    • Allison

      sooo by “long-distance crush” did you possibly mean me, perhaps? 

    • GD

      “At least this way we won’t wonder what would have happened if we met and it didn’t work out. ” – This!

    • Borisa

      seems like you have read my thoughts and then transformed them into such a beautiful and accurate piece of writing. thanks for putting it on the paper.

    • jemjem

      Beautiful sad something…

    • Marianne

      God, this is annoying. You’re going to be so embarrassed by this later.

      • nessa

        theres always someone…

    • http://twitter.com/mitzyredmango Mitzy (@mitzyredmango)

      Right on. I like the delivery of this article — how the words were put together perfectly. :)

    • LK

      Absolutely the story of my life today…

    • http://twitter.com/philosolaktor Lakshitha (@philosolaktor)

      I’m going to be boring and repeat what’s been said: story of my life. Seriously. God damn.

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