1. You have to work.
Well sh-t, someone has to! Even though Cinco de Mayo is conveniently placed on a Saturday this year, not everyone has the day off — someone has to be the one pouring those Patron shots and running around with those platters of quesadillas, otherwise this holiday might as well not exist. However, as someone who has spent many a drinking holiday trapped behind a counter or bar, I can tell you that watching the insanity from a distance is not the worst thing: at least you know you’re going home with way more money than everyone else.
2. Your bank account is LOLing at you.
Partying is really expensive, damn it, and unless you’re a creative type who’s capable of making your own home brew to lug around in a Gatorade bottle, going out anywhere almost necessitates dropping all kinds of $$$. Of course, you could go out and just have a few drinks, but are you really capable of that kind of self-control? And if you already know leaving your credit card at home will only result in you trying to look up the account number online to start some kind of meta-tab halfway through the night, you’re probably better off just staying in.
3. You hate tequila and Mexican food.
Normally I’d tell you to just grow a pair, but I have met people who literally dry heave after just smelling tequila and people who practically explode in a waterfall of feces by just looking at beans. Obviously if you’re one of those, you’re going to have a really bad time. Just spare yourself the pain and do something else. It’s okay, really.
4. You have something kind of important to do tomorrow.
According to society, Sunday afternoons (statistically when people are the most hungover) are an ideal time for weddings, baby showers, and garden parties galore. If you have something important to do tomorrow, it’s perfectly okay to not want to be hungover for it. Maybe you’re the one getting married and you don’t want to vom at your own wedding, which is pretty legit. But, don’t be surprised if everyone in your wedding party does — good job scheduling a May 6th wedding, you sadist.
5. You remember what happened last year.
And you’re an evolved human being who learns from your mistakes instead of repeating them. Right? …Right?