15 Life Tips From Jenna Marbles

I have an embarrassing confession: I love Jenna Marbles. For the tragically unfamiliar, Jenna Marbles is a hot girl on YouTube who weekly bestows genius pearls of life advice on her viewers while wearing a turtle backpack and balancing cute dogs on her chest. This obviously makes her my role model. So in honor of Sexual Wednesday (video day!), here are fifteen pertinent tips as taught by Jenna that have made my life, as well as the lives of others, much easier and more awesome in general.

  1. Everyone loves adorable animals. It doesn’t matter what ridiculous thing you’re doing as long as your adorable animals are doing it with you. Just look at the Internet if you need proof.
  2. Don’t let cosmetic companies sucker you into spending money on fancy skincare crap — a chili facemask is amazingly good for the complexion and way cheaper. As is a peanut butter facemask. In fact, whatever is in your fridge will probably make a good facemask.
  3. Speaking of skin, your skin can do optical illusions! Copious amounts of bronzer = the mysterious way to a slimmer face and bigger boobs. In fact, copious amounts of bronzer can make you a whole new person.
  4. When you’re going on a date, make sure to pack a sandwich. He’ll probably ask you to make one for him anyway.
  5. If you can’t get some annoying rando to stop talking to you, you’re not trying hard enough. There is always a way to get some annoying rando to stop talking to you. If that doesn’t work, plank on the ground and soil yourself. Hey, no one said it was easy.
  6. Hang your master’s degree over that crack in the wall; since that’s the only practical use you’ll ever get out of it.
  7. If you can’t afford to go on vacation to some amazing tropical locale, put thirteen bathing suits on rotation and go swimming in your bathtub. God gave you an imagination; use it.
  8. All it really takes to be good looking is bleach, spray tan, three inches of eye makeup and a cavalier attitude. But if you don’t have the energy to do all that, feel free to just get drunk.
  9. Speaking of, your makeup looks exactly the same when you do it drunk as when you do it sober, so long as you stand at least five feet away from whoever might be looking at you.
  10. The landshark is the clear solution to every awkward situation. If you’ve never gotten the urge to do the landshark, you’ve obviously never felt awkward enough.
  11. If you’re embarrassingly bad at baking, just take your top off. Everyone will be too distracted by your boobs to even notice the awfulness of your raw egg moosemeat pie.
  12. Screw self-help books – all you really need to do to change your life is change your underwear.
  13. Make sure your bra and underwear match if you want today to be the best day of your life.
  14. If you’ve already eaten that piece of chocolate, might as well go ahead and have those fifteen cheeseburgers. It’s okay; it’ll be different tomorrow.
  15. If you don’t want to be treated like a pair of tits and a vagina, don’t act like you’re entitled to things just because you have a pair of tits and a vagina. TC mark
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  • http://www.about.me/tanyasalyers Tanya Salyers

    LOVE Jenna Marbles.  This was great.

  • http://www.facebook.com/careuhsellxo Angela Joyce

    Jenna is great! I met her at playlist live this year and she’s so lovely. I can’t even begin to describe it. 

  • Guest

    this is literally just all of jenna marbles’s videos compressed into article format

    you could have at least tried to bring something new to the table here.

    • Duhberger

      Bro, read the title of the article. 

      • Guest

         The title was the reason I clicked  on the article, “bro”. I just wasn’t expecting a literal rehashing of shit Jenna Marbles had already done. There wasn’t really any point in making this article, it already exists in the form of her videos.

        jenna marbles is cute tho i like her stuff

      • Mila Jaroniec

        That’s kind of like saying a research paper shouldn’t have an abstract.

      • Anon

        Except you’re not supposed to use the abstract as your entire research paper. There’s no original thought in this. It’s just taking the words from a video and putting it into a word document and calling it quits. I really hope you weren’t paid for this. 

  • http://twitter.com/tbarrios47 Tanya Barrios

    Jenna is AWESOME. Sexual Wednesday is always one of my highlights of the week. So much practical advice with adorable dogs thrown in!

  • RK

    I read the entire article in her voice.

  • Spykenij

    Bitchin’ buddy :) 

  • ----

    no

    • Chelsea Fagan

      yes

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=23316644 Renee Solomon

    16. When Jenna says “Bounce that dick”, you listen and obey.
    17. Getting drunk is the only cool thing about being an adult.
    18. If you are getting ready to go out after day-drinking, put on makeup with a brush that won’t judge you. Also, if your brush isn’t working well, just move your face back and forth. 

  • Lucy

    This was the worst article I’ve ever read on Thought Catalog. The author – who I wouldn’t be surprised if she turned out to be a 15 y.o – not only lacks sense of humor but shows stupid judgement by choosing Jenna Marbles least interesting videos and taking them literally. Jenna Marbles didn’t mean to impart any advice in the first place; as a HUMORIST, she’s trying to make fun of people and their need for advice. This article was just terribly written.

    • A 16-year-old Girl

      Meow. 

    • Emily

       haha this is definitely NOT the worst article I’ve ever read on thought catalog. how long have you been reading? two days? there are scores more articles worse than this on here. just look in the archives. admittedly, it might be simple and it might not have taken that much thought to write, but at least the author wrote something cheerful and uplifting instead of some self-pitying, contrived bullshit like 99% of the articles you find on here.

    • blitz

      If you were smart enough, you’d also see that the author was also being satirical.  Why so serious, bro?

      Also, it’s “judgment,” not “judgement.”

      • Matthew

        Actually it can be both. “Judgement” is the more common British spelling.

  • Sloppy Joe

    the author of this article is probably some slutty girl of east-european decent who thinks she’s is funny as hell. Guess what: you are not.

    • florentina

       east european descent? lolwat

      • niovi

        this must be the first article by Mila that you have ever read – otherwise you wouldn’t be commenting on her humour the way you do. oh and east european decent? haha. i guess it takes a genius like you, to make a correlation between a surname like Jaroniec and the ethnic origins of HALF a freakin continent. no dear sir your further description of the writer, as in ‘slutty girl’ simply shows that you do not take yourself seriously and you are critical thinking does indeed remind us of a ‘sloppy joe’

      • niovi

        your critical

  • SallySparrow

    I love Jenna Marbles and her furry creatures maybe that’s because I have two tiny furry creatures also and speak to them in the same voice and compliment them on there outfit.
    “Let your freak flag fly..”- Jenna Marbles

  • http://summerslowrunner.wordpress.com/ Summer

    LOVE Jenna Marbles. Let’s get sexual.

  • http://twitter.com/jemmehlee ~ JAMIE (//∇//)

    OMG Shes so funny! 

  • crazycatlady

    So what’s the point of this..? If you haven’t watched Jenna Marbles the article makes no sense to you and if you have then you already know this stuff and there’s nothing new.

  • KLS

    chill out people!  first off it’s a tribute to one of her favorite vloggers.  It wasn’t meant to have some deeper meaning or purpose or even add to Jenna Marbles advice.  It was simply taking her favorite  moments from Jenna Marbles and putting it in a list to share with her readers. If you don’t like it don’t read it. Not every article in life has to have a deeper meaning, some can be just for fun. if you don’t like the fun articles don’t read them. Simple as that.

  • Matthew

    Mila, you’re a great writer – your piece on creativity was probably the best thing I’ve found on this website. Why bother with stuff like this? Why waste your talents? I know not everything an artist produces needs to be deeply profound and personal but stuff like this is contrived and feels like a waste of your talents. You can do better, so do better.

  • Judgeraw09

    I’m a.fan of.Jenna. Funny girl, andbpretty effin.hot. That says the people commenting on this article are mostly douches. Keep on keepin in, Mrs. Author!

  • Amy

    I would be a much bigger fan of Jenna’s if she didn’t post all of those ridiculous pictures of herself all over the internet. 

  • stooliee

    Viva la stool

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