What Your Favorite Alcohol Says About You


You are a REAL MAN, dammit, and none of this mixed drinks crap — straight scotch for you. Drinking is an art and a finely crafted scotch is the medium, which you will gratuitously swish around before swallowing. You can often be seen discussing white privilege, membrane theory, or the cultural merits of rap music in dimly-lit bars with wooden tabletops. Your Scottish or Irish heritage will undoubtedly come up at some point. If you are male, it is likely you have a beard. If you are female, you have a steady job as well as a beard.


Let’s face it, you’re probably a girl. For one reason or another, you have decided to take a break from hard liquor and promise yourself you’ll “only have one glass” when you go out. Yeah okay. Tell that to the gyros you’ll be ordering after you’ve had seven. You will inevitably end the night laughing hysterically with an arm around one of your best friends, who curiously seems more and more like your soulmate every minute. Creative storage solutions make you hot.


You spend your free time reading Baudelaire or Emile Zola in windowsills, or else lounging around your refugee-chic apartment wearing a well-cultivated expression of ennui. Inspired by Moulin Rouge or Laren Stover’s Bohemian Manifesto, you have previously attempted to steep a bunch of wormwood and star anise in a bottle of vodka for three weeks, but were later too scared to test the results. You were super excited when they came out with Lucid and sometimes like to convince yourself that it does, in fact, make you hallucinate.

Expensive beer

Come on, you don’t drink just anything. If it’s not handcrafted in small batches, artisanal, seasonal, or if it costs less than $10 per glass, it doesn’t go in your body. Peanut butter? Pshh, no. CASHEW BUTTER. It’s not a salad unless it involves kale, arugula and a champagne vinaigrette — iceberg lettuce and ranch dressing are for the birds. You secretly love your bike more than your significant other but will never admit to liking The Ready Set.

Domestic beer

You are about as interesting as turkey on white. Either that or you are broke, which is excusable.


Opinionated and abrasive, you go out of your way to make sure your worldviews conflict with everyone else’s. If you do happen to agree with a point someone else makes, you will find some minute detail to disagree on. For some reason you hate vodka with a passion, but you do realize gin is essentially juniper-flavored vodka, right?

Jagermeister/Goldschlager/other scary German liqueur

You are the party. And as it happens, completely insane. Nothing’s fun unless it’s starting to tilt sideways, and you are just as likely to start systematically making out with people at the bar assembly line-style as you are to start Cossack dancing. Mixers be damned, you drink straight because you actually enjoy the tingly burn. It is also your staunch belief that anyone who drinks Jager bombs still has a curfew. You commonly refer to the cuts and bruises you acquire from any given night out as “battle scars.”

Four Loko

Times are tough, and you understand the value of money. Why spend your hard-earned cash on fancy drinks when you can get time-traveling bombed for around $6? Sure, Loko may taste like fruity iron shavings mixed with battery acid, but it also gets you the most blackout for your buck. On the off chance that you do buy drinks at the bar, you’ll be the one ordering straight shots of 151, and only with a Coke back if it’s free.


You’re either a European, an existentialist, or a sorority girl. If by some strange chance you happen to be all three, I salute you. TC mark

image – Michelle Tribe


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  • Lucy

    Where’s whiskey!?

    • CC

      i think you mean whisky

  • http://twitter.com/ImNotUrGuildie Tena van der Sigmund

    “You’re either a European, an existentialist, or a sorority girl. If by some strange chance you happen to be all three, I salute you.” Right back at ya, sis!

  • http://twitter.com/LAMEFLAME sam on a villa

    HILARIOUS! This should go viral.

    • Ari


  • Guest


  • http://twitter.com/TamaraPalmera Tamara Palmera

    Where’s rum? Where’s champagne? I hope there’s a sequel in the works. Also, this is awesome.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Hannah-Moire/100002582319456 Hannah Moire

    What? No whiskey?

    • niggzay

       someone isn’t old enough to drink

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Shannon-Langford/715206786 Shannon Langford

    Captain and coke is my fav :( and Rum didn’t even make the cut 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    this is hilarious!

  • Ashleigh

    Um hello, Bourbon?!

  • Guest

    Does nobody drink Tequila anymore?

    • MD

      Only every weekend over here!

  • Maylu

    Ah crap, the Gin one hit a little too close.

  • AnnieGirl


  • Guest


  • http://twitter.com/katiereedII Katie Reed

    Why is the rum all gone?

  • Anonymous

    Domestic beer and turkey on white sounds like a pretty amazing Saturday afternoon.

  • Mila Jaroniec

    Relax everyone, there will be a part 2! Rum/whiskey/tequila and many more included!

    • Megan Doyle

      Sweet, we’ll have our draft ready to compare. 

  • Caroline

    This is the worst entry I’ve read on this site

    • Mila Jaroniec

      Shit. Sorry :(

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1234020191 Krystle Colleen Brown

      And Caroline can go and sip on her craft Beer because CLEARLY she knows things

  • Megan Doyle

    Hey Mila, thanks for ripping off a story my friend and I submitted a few months ago. Real original. 

    • Mila Jaroniec

      I’m sorry, you must be confused. “Ripping off”? I have never even SEEN your story. But alcohol isn’t the most original concept ever either.

    • Ari

      it took two of you to come up with something like this? wow…

    • butts

       ooOOoooOOOo TC DRAMA

    • Anonymous


  • http://www.facebook.com/ColinJoliat Colin Joliat

    I’m actually halfway through writing this exact list, but I have to say yours is hilarious. I’m either going to need to step my game up or just scrap the idea all together.

  • Brideshead

    You should do cocktails! 

  • http://artfeedsmia.blogspot.com/ mia nguyen

    This piece is unoriginal and deserves to be taken down.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      cool link me to something 

  • klynn

    Not every article needs to have some huge deep meaning that makes you question your life. Sometimes it is nice to read an article that is just pure fun. I have read all of writing and although i would not say it’s your best, it is still funny and well written as always.

    • Nishant

      Agreed. But this is just … ANYTHING. There is no basis to any of the comparisons.

  • Nishant

    Umm … well, that seems like quite an arbit list of characterizations.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002919559614 Ted Kelly

    I laughed my pants off because I’m pretty sure I can point to the people in your life who resemble these characters! And, I’m happy you’re excusing me for being poor and drinking domestic beer. ;)

  • Jess

    what about whisky?? 

    • hmmm

      ….scotch is a kind of whisky.

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