6 Confections That Confuse The Hell Out Of Me

1. Candy buttons

Once upon a time, some inspired rando on LSD thought “Hey! How about we put tiny drops of neon sugar on paper?” Thus candy buttons, the most aggravating sweet treat ever, were born. Here’s how you eat them: peel one off ever so slowly so as to avoid getting that obnoxious chunk of paper. Get chunk of paper nonetheless and swear under your breath. Delicately scrape at the bottom of candy button in an attempt to remove paper. Narrow your eyes at stubborn tiny strips of paper. Sigh and pop the candy button in your mouth. Feel slimy paper peel itself off and slither to the tip of your tongue. Spit it out in a waterfall of saliva. Eye the strip of remaining candy buttons and sigh again, deeply.

2. Chocolate gum paintball pops

A regular paintball pop is just a jawbreaker on a stick, but what’s so exciting about that? We’re Americans, and we don’t settle for the merely average. Enter paintball pops 2.0. On the surface, these appear quite similar to the original, but in addition to the jawbreaker coating that dissolves into crumbly dust they also feature a layer of diluted chocolate followed by a core of barely elastic Blow Pop gum. Jawbreaker. Chocolate. Gum. Just picture those flavors and textures together and you have yourself a portrait of the ultimate dystopian candy.

3. Any kind of mint creams

Come on now, everyone knows mint creams are a clever marketing ploy. Why bother spending money on these when you can just as well eat toothpaste in varying stages of dryness? Think of your finances, people. Times are tough.

4. Milk Duds

Milk Duds: the candy that LOLs at you. No matter how delicately you try to go about eating Milk Duds, you will inevitably end up scraping caramel out of your back teeth like an open-mouthed drooling lunatic. Chocolate covered caramel globes sound pretty delicious, right? Yes, they do. Now eat one. Eat a couple, they’re kind of small. Oh what’s that? Your mouth’s glued shut and your teacher just called on you? Good luck figuring that one out, you red-faced glutton.

5. Fun Dip

Fun Dip is essentially a bag of chemically engineered sugar that you use a candy stick to scoop out much in the same way a chimp uses a twig to attract termites. People think this is an acceptable thing to give to their five-year olds, the same five-year olds they will later take in for ADHD screenings.

6. Wax bottles

Wax bottles exist because some other inspired rando on LSD thought “Hey! How about we put two milliliters of iodine solution in tiny bottle-shaped wax figurines?” This sh-t isn’t even candy. I don’t know what it’s doing in this list. TC mark

image – Graham Hellewell

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  • Betty B.

     Could you believe, I did not know a single one of these, and had to google them all.
    (though maybe that’s because I’m from Italy)

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Don’t know know the saying?  You can’t appreciate gelato, biscotti, and cannoli until you’ve had wax bottles and fun dip.

  • Kirsten G.

    Ah sweet childhood memories of choking on wax globs and candy that wasn’t really candy. I think the adults were secretly trying to kill all of our misbehaving behinds off.

  • Guest

    I love this. And I agree whole-heartedly. Except I’m not gonna lie to your face about this – I love those goddamn wax bottles.

    #7: Sour Squeeze Pops. Aka liquid goo. Aka I ate them all the time.

    • http://twitter.com/iamthe0nly Jordana Bevan

      yo people died from that shit man DIED FROM THAT SHIT (or so my mom said whenever she wouldnt let me have it?)

    • Katzzz712

      OMG Sour Squeeze Pops!! Forgot about those! I had a teacher once ask us what we were eating because to her it looked like we drinking out of shampoo bottles or something lol

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002919559614 Ted Kelly

    Fun dip. Would still eat it today. 

  • Anonymous

    Fun dip is delicious in that whole “this will definitely give me diabetes” way.  Candy buttons always seemed like a good idea until you bought them , bit them off the strip (please, no using your fingers), and realized they didn’t taste anywhere near as good as they should.

  • http://twitter.com/iamthe0nly Jordana Bevan

    FUN DIP FUN DIP FUN DIP FUN DIP FUN DIP FUN DIP  GOD I LOVE YOU FOR REMINDING ME ABOUT FUN DIP 

    • http://twitter.com/iamthe0nly Jordana Bevan

      lol as soon as i read “fun dip” i came down to write a comment, forgot i didn’t finish reading, read all the other comments, didn’t remember reading about wax bottles, went back to the article, finished fun dip paragraph and was like “oh lol what is adhd?” (jk i am diagnosed :[ )

  • A-W

    Wax Lips. 

    • elle

      I will never understand Wax Lips. How are they even candy?

      • alice

        they were just wax.

  • Sophia

    psh, candy buttons are my jam. the paper just adds to the experience.

  • William Creitz

    Sorry, but candy dots on paper (better know as dots) and wax bottles were around long before LSD.  I remember them from over 55 years ago and I didn’t give a damn about paper.  As for the wax bottles they just had sugary favor flavored syrup.  Maybe the paper has changed and iodine is now cheaper.  Oh, by the way, they were called penny candies.

    • ks

       How old are you?

      • guest

        old enough to prove everyone wrong apparently. i can’t wait until i’m old and can tell people “actually no, that’s not what happened because i was there when that happened”

  • Laurel

    Anyone remember those minature fake orange juice and grape soda cartons that had orange and grape flavored bubble gum in em? Also. Candy cigarettes deserve some honorable mention. And circus peanuts, which own the entirety of my soul.

    • Anonymous

      Candy cigarettes were the best!  Circus peanuts were kinda gross.

  • http://twitter.com/shineesherlock Josh (조쉬)

    Fun dip is the funnest dip and there is nothing confusing about fun

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  • Elle

    I don’t like any of these candies either. Except for Milk Duds. You were spot on about them, but that doesn’t stop me from eating the hell outta them when given the chance. I’m not a fan of those Bottle Cap candies, the ones that are supposed to taste like soda? They taste nothing like soda, and actually taste like crap.

  • _____

    Hell yeah, Fun Dip. Forget about the sugar, the dipping stick alone is delicious. 

  • guest

    big league chew.

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  • alice

    LOLLLLL this was amazing.

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