1. Candy buttons
Once upon a time, some inspired rando on LSD thought “Hey! How about we put tiny drops of neon sugar on paper?” Thus candy buttons, the most aggravating sweet treat ever, were born. Here’s how you eat them: peel one off ever so slowly so as to avoid getting that obnoxious chunk of paper. Get chunk of paper nonetheless and swear under your breath. Delicately scrape at the bottom of candy button in an attempt to remove paper. Narrow your eyes at stubborn tiny strips of paper. Sigh and pop the candy button in your mouth. Feel slimy paper peel itself off and slither to the tip of your tongue. Spit it out in a waterfall of saliva. Eye the strip of remaining candy buttons and sigh again, deeply.
2. Chocolate gum paintball pops
A regular paintball pop is just a jawbreaker on a stick, but what’s so exciting about that? We’re Americans, and we don’t settle for the merely average. Enter paintball pops 2.0. On the surface, these appear quite similar to the original, but in addition to the jawbreaker coating that dissolves into crumbly dust they also feature a layer of diluted chocolate followed by a core of barely elastic Blow Pop gum. Jawbreaker. Chocolate. Gum. Just picture those flavors and textures together and you have yourself a portrait of the ultimate dystopian candy.
3. Any kind of mint creams
Come on now, everyone knows mint creams are a clever marketing ploy. Why bother spending money on these when you can just as well eat toothpaste in varying stages of dryness? Think of your finances, people. Times are tough.
4. Milk Duds
Milk Duds: the candy that LOLs at you. No matter how delicately you try to go about eating Milk Duds, you will inevitably end up scraping caramel out of your back teeth like an open-mouthed drooling lunatic. Chocolate covered caramel globes sound pretty delicious, right? Yes, they do. Now eat one. Eat a couple, they’re kind of small. Oh what’s that? Your mouth’s glued shut and your teacher just called on you? Good luck figuring that one out, you red-faced glutton.
5. Fun Dip
Fun Dip is essentially a bag of chemically engineered sugar that you use a candy stick to scoop out much in the same way a chimp uses a twig to attract termites. People think this is an acceptable thing to give to their five-year olds, the same five-year olds they will later take in for ADHD screenings.
6. Wax bottles
Wax bottles exist because some other inspired rando on LSD thought “Hey! How about we put two milliliters of iodine solution in tiny bottle-shaped wax figurines?” This sh-t isn’t even candy. I don’t know what it’s doing in this list.