Thought Catalog

I’m Still Not Ready To See You

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Yes, we’re friends. That’s not even a question. We’ve been through so much together it’s impossible to think about. We trusted each other more than anyone else, more than our own family members even. And you’re still the person I’d call first in the event of a death or a fire or a nervous breakdown, mine or someone else’s. Well you’re probably not, but I’d still want to call you first. I haven’t shaken that instinct yet.

True, our breakup wasn’t just any breakup. It was especially painful and horrible because we wholeheartedly believed we were IT for each other and the realization that we weren’t snapped us in half like a film cut, but it’s okay now. We had our run, it was good (for the most part) and now we’re going our own separate ways. You found someone else and I’m happy for you. But I’m still not ready to see you, because I know it’s going to be hard.

It’s going to be hard because I don’t remember you not with me. I don’t know who you are outside of me. You’ve only ever been mine, kissing my fingers and putting your lips next to my ear. Watching you do these things to someone else will feel like a weird replay of my own past, only with someone else cast as me and I’ll just be watching it, confused and displaced and feeling too big for my chair.

It’s going to be hard because even though I don’t miss you, I still kind of do. But I don’t know why, I’ve checked with myself and I don’t want you back. I don’t miss your weird neuroses, your stubbornness or your chain smoking. I hated the fact that you refused to quit smoking on purpose, but it doesn’t matter now because I’m not the one who’s going to be single when you die. I bet you still don’t think you’ll get cancer. I miss your weird convictions, how you used to think you were invincible.

It’s going to be hard because it’s been so long — we’ll be like semblances of our former selves trying to embody them unsuccessfully. We’ll try to put each other at ease but it will be like drawing a thicker Sharpie line over the thin line you messed up which will result in a nebulous black blob. We’ll get drunk like we used to but not because we want to, it’s just what we remember. You’ll tell me some vague outline of your life and I’ll nod like I understand what you do at your job, but I won’t. I won’t understand a lot of things.

It’s going to be hard because no matter how great she is, I won’t be able to fake liking her. No, I’ll probably drink too much and say something mean, or drink too much and get lost inside my head. I’ll wonder what makes her so great, why you suddenly decided to call her “baby” and make me sleep on the couch. I’ll think she doesn’t know you like I do but the fact is I don’t even know you and I haven’t for awhile, though obviously I’ll ignore this fact.

I’m going to sit across the table and watch you weave your fingers into hers, chew the same crust of bread for five minutes and sip my cocktail and try to smile. I’m going to think you can’t tell her “I love you” and mean it because you’ve said it to me so many times and meant it and now you don’t so you’ve already used up that phrase, get a new phrase or keep your mouth shut. This will make me feel unhinged and I’ll find an excuse to send myself home early.

You love me differently just like I love you differently and people change and move on and blah blah, but why is this sort of distant love the hardest thing to handle? How do people handle this? Do they? TC mark Pin It
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    • Squilliam

      You got me good on this one.

    • Guest

      I’m sorry.

    • http://twitter.com/amandahwood Amandah Wood

      This hurt to read.

    • s.

      I know this is painful but sometimes you can’t be friends with your ex even if it’s is the one person you trust the most. it’s not healthy and it’s not going to get you anywhere, just saying. 

    • http://twitter.com/JonTargaryen Carly Fowler

      I have this relationship with one of my exes. Especially with ”
      you’ve already used up that phrase, get a new phrase or keep your mouth shut.” I’m thankful that I won’t have to see him after the year is over. It brings up far too many memories and I can’t stomach going to parties where he and his new girlfriend are together.

    • Guest

      This.

    • guest

      this is so horribly close to my life it hurt to read.

      • GUEST

        As with mine

    • SusanDerkins

      So don’t see him. Ain’t no law. 

    • Guest

      Painful to read. Exactly like me right now minus the new girl.

    • Sarah

      It’s been 3 years and I still feel the depths of this, even though I’m with someone new and wonderful, and I honestly don’t love him anymore. You never really get over your first love.

    • guest

      Beautifully painful.

    • Mars

      I have never believed myself to be invincible, But I have chosen to live like I am until the day when I’m not. The world is surely wide enough to walk without fear, yes?

      I read your articles on here and realize that I don’t know the person who wrote them.

      I see you getting tattoos for other women who enter your life and think that’s a used up gesture that demeans the original gesture now that was once reserved for you and i. But it’s not painful to me, it’s just something that makes me want to grimace and 180.

      I don’t know how people handle this mixage of a stale and hollow feeling, but I wish you’d know how to talk to me without editing what you’re going to say a million times prior to uttering it.
      Until that happens, it will be hard.

      P.S. I am quitting smoking.

      M

      • ks

        because getting a mom tattoo is the same as getting a tattoo for a girlfriend, which is the only other tattoo she has gotten for a woman.

    • http://www.facebook.com/reeves.tash Natasha Reeves

      I’m a masochist. I come back to pieces like this…to ache.

    • Sam

      wait..you literally just typed out my entire train of thought the past month. word for word, almost. definitely and completely in the same boat right now…do people handle this?

      • Jane A.

        There must be one way or another! probably if you’re lucky enough you will find yourself another person to hold on to and forger the first one

    • gaby

      perfect. everything that’s been on my mind for the past couple of weeks. 

    • Seymore Butts

      cute blog

    • http://twitter.com/DaveyPerry Davey Perry

      I know how hard it is to forget someone that means a lot to you before. But all you gotta do is to step outta your comfort zone and do things that basically make you happy. Don’t stress out yourself over thinkin’ about him because that would only make you sad or whatever. DO THINGS THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. That’s it. Carpe diem! :)

    • jenyfer

      just like my story, the best thing is you put it on words which i cannot do  :) 

    • Guest

      Yep, saw her today and hearing she’s found someone else felt like a bullet to the heart.  I couldn’t even force a smile for hours afterwards.  I told myself that finding someone hotter would make her jealous, but my head told me that wouldn’t fix anything.  Like Davey said ^, gotta move on and do what makes you happy.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=637587717 Juliet Syn Lyi

      Funny I should read this right after bumping into my ex not two hours ago. TC you bring out the best and the worst in me.

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