Unless you’ve been riding the vodka train 24/7 or you’re in a long-term relationship in which you have your sexual repertoire down to a T, you have either experienced or are bound to experience a few “WTF?” moments in bed with a girl. You know exactly what I’m talking about: that moment when she’s so intensely into it trying to give you what she thinks you want, and you’re staring at the patterns on the ceiling like “What the hell is going on here?” as your body flails around. The thing is, having sex with girls is kind of like going out for sushi – it always sounds like a great idea, but getting a bad roll can ruin your appetite for the rest of the night. Like commonly misspelled words, there are certain “WTF?” moment-inspiring bedroom mistakes that keep cropping up over and over. Here are a few things I’ve noticed that girls absolutely need to remember when banging other girls.
Women are not college entrance exams – Just because you’ve done one doesn’t mean you’ve done them all! While this seems too obvious to even mention, I cannot even begin to tell you how many girls I have met who say things like “Well, no one’s complained yet” or “I’ve gotten [x number of] girls off in [y amount of] minutes.” Don’t pull that mess – just because you had a jinx-proof routine to get your ex off doesn’t mean it will work on every other girl. Now, I don’t doubt your hurricane tongue has gotten the rave reviews you say it has, but those reviews were from girls that weren’t me. So quit trying to do me like a math problem and dig something new out of your bag of tricks.
Sex is not Facebook – I’m not going to give you constant status updates. While there is certainly nothing wrong with asking if it feels good, there are only so many times one can say “Yeah baby right there!” or “Ohmigod don’t stop…” without breaking concentration and losing the O potential. I don’t have time to play 20 questions with you, I’m trying to get off right now. Instead, take the time to get to know my body. It is, after all, an entirely different aggregate of biochemistry than all the other bodies you’ve handled. Once you learn to recognize the nuances, the blood rushes, the breathing patterns, you will no longer have to ask if that feels good every two minutes.
Foreplay is like cake – While delicious and satisfying in moderate amounts, too much will make you feel like a sack of potatoes. That dull pelvic ache you get when your sexual energy evaporates and you feel pissy and tired? That there is a sign your partner needs to speed her shit up. There is a fine line between anxious, lip-biting anticipation and the evaporation of the sexual spark that makes your body feel like sediment piled at the bottom of a lake. Also, if you spend too much time kissing my thighs, it will be tomorrow morning by the time you reach the sweet spot – and I’ll be at work by then.
Slow it down, cowboy – Contrary to what you may have heard, acting like a hormonal teenage boy will not get you points. Most veteran gay girls are familiar with the quintessential “lesbian dry hump”: the somewhat strange bedroom phenomenon that occurs when a girl leaps on top of you, thrusts her knee between your legs, and knocks your head into the wall repeatedly for twenty minutes. Easy, killer – you want me, I get it, but I don’t know if you necessarily want me unconscious.
Forget the rules – For some reason, most people have these weird rules when it comes to sex – “I only have sex after the 3rd date,” “Never let a girl spend the night,” “Always be in control,” etc. And I think, why? Who wants to bang according to a little table? There is no Pythagorean Theorem of sex – if you’re too formulaic about it, you may not recognize something truly special when it comes your way. If you haven’t experienced it already, there will come a time when a girl will appear in your life and start a fire in your blood – and the worst thing you can possibly do then is screw it up by overanalyzing and being too scared and distant to really open up to her. Don’t compare her to the others in your past. This is different. This moment, this girl, this autumn wind blowing in through the window will happen exactly this way one time and one time only. Embrace it. Depending on who she is, you’re giving her your body for an hour, an afternoon, or the rest of your life – and that’s not meaningless. Relax, open up your pores and let her melt into you. There’s a reason she’s in bed with you right now.