In Honor Of National Coming Out Day: My Sort-Of Coming Out Story

To be honest, I never “knew” I was gay immediately, I just thought I was bad at sex. I never burst forth triumphantly from the closet after years of hiding who I was. It was kind of a gradual realization that one day smacked me in the face with its force, after which I felt like a huge weight was lifted.

The first person I accidentally told was my hairstylist, as she was in the process of turning my hair burnt orange:

Me: “So I just started dating this girl…”

Her: *double blink* “What? …Oh!”

And it sort of went on like that.

I technically lost my virginity to a girl in high school, but after that I was convinced I was straight because the sex was frightening. She had acrylic nails. And I was like, Is this what being a lesbian is all about? Well damn, directions to the penis aisle please!

It wasn’t until my freshman year of college that I realized that — surprise — I was gay after all. All it took was falling in love with an amazing girl who did not wear acrylic nails. I don’t know how, but I opened up to her in ways I never thought imaginable. Sex with men never felt that amazing to me, it was just… there. I never felt connected, no matter who I was in bed with, or truly comfortable, but rather like I was performing. Being with this girl opened my eyes to what I needed, and that was not, as previous partners had suggested, warming lubricant or another vodka tonic.

I mean, of course at first I felt a little weird and uncomfortable holding her hand in public — up until then, I was still used to holding my boyfriend’s hand — but the way I felt around her trumped my nervousness. Alive. Vivid. And because I had bright blue hair then anyway, I was already being stared at on the regular, so what was one more thing?

I never exactly told my parents, but they were smart enough to figure it out. And of course, we had to have the inevitable “talk”:

Mom: “Now look, I think women are beautiful. I think my best friend is an absolutely gorgeous woman, but – ”

Me: “But you don’t want to sleep with her. Right?”

Mom: “…Right.”

Me: “Well, that’s the difference between you and I.”

And we pretty much left it at that.

A lot of times when I tell people I’m gay, they don’t believe me. “You’re too pretty to be a lesbian,” “But you’d make such beautiful babies,” “You just need to find the right man.” Honestly, you name it I’ve heard it. And I’m always like, Look, I’m sorry, but pretty girls don’t have to be egg farms! These are our minds, our bodies. Why are you worrying about them? Worry about yours!

Mostly those comments are just annoying. People trying to tell me what to do and who to be with is just a crazy idea to me — I would never in a million years try to dictate to someone how they should feel or who they should love. It’s just insane. You do you, I’ll do me. I mean, really, it’s simply a matter of respecting other peoples’ personal space.

Because really, who cares that much? Man-woman, woman-woman, whatever. We’re human. More love in the world has never been a bad thing. TC mark

image – Benson Kua


More From Thought Catalog

  • Mandatory


  • Jonathan Hart

    Pics or it didn’t happen.

    • Kelly


  • natasia

    I love this post! It shows that coming out is something a lot of gay people have to do everyday, over and over. It’s also usually not as dramatic as TV says it is.

  • Samie Rose


  • Anonymous

    “You’re too pretty to be a lesbian.”

    All. the. time. Ugh.

  • Anonymous

    “You’re too pretty to be a lesbian.”

    All. the. time. Ugh.

    • Rawr


    • Jonathan Hart


  • Lena

    Lovely post. I wish my story could be (or sound) as easy as you make it sound. But is not easy to come out and this may sound like a cliché, yeah I know…but when I was reading your post it felt like if it where me writing this cause there is also this girl that pot a new meaning to love and sex. I was also having relations with my boyfriends and just feeling “ok, this is it…lala…what time is it? This is boring…” and this girl makes me feel confident, loved, passionate about huging, caring, making love, loving. Really. But is not that easy to tell, to assume. I’ve been working on that for the last 4 or 5 years and still trying. At least in the last few months I’m starting to come out for my close friends. I think still will take a while but I’m trying and I know many are trying and texts like yours inspires and make us feel like yeah, there is a great thing outside that closet and I hope someday we all can get there, wheneve “there” may takes us. And after all, just like you said: “more love in the world has never been a bad thing”. I 1000000000% agree.

  • CallieIsAFreak

    “More love in the world has never been a bad thing.” Aaagh that’s so true :) And really, who cares if it’s true or not, there’s a message behind this, and it’s a story that is probably true for a lot of people so hush my little darlings :)

  • Anonymous

     I wish this article was longer.

  • Lost Count

    I want to read a blog about all the secrets hairdressers get to hear

  • Jesper Dahl

    I think a lot of people forget that you have to “come out” a little almost every day. Someone will hit their toe and yell “Faggity fag fag!” and I go “Yes? You called?”.
    Not really but you see my point.

  • NoSexCity

    I love the way you broached the topic with your mother – too good.

  • kas

    Just because I have not want to sleep with anyone else after having sex with her, I knew  I had fallen in love with her, I just dont give a fuck she is a male or female.

    woman-man, woman- woman, yup, whatever

  • Guest

    It’s so, so nice to see some lesbian visibility on TC. Thanks!

  • Jennifer

    I really liked this. Sometimes coming out doesn’t have to be dramatic or full of ‘gay pride’, it can just happen.

  • guest

    you’re my favourite on tc

  • Kaitlynclement

    you make me wanna be a lesbian with this post. love your writing

  • Vicky Nguyen

    Lol @ the “you’re too pretty to be a lesbian” comment; so true, so true.

  • Anonymous

    So you’re gay, yet you accidentally became part of some man’s soft harem in your other story.  Uh-huh.  This sounds like you’re merely doing it for attention after said fella brushed you off ruthlessly.  It’s actually kind of insulting to people who are truly gay, because it seems like you’re co-opting the lifestyle for some imaginary play at achieving yet more victim status, which many of your writings seem to want to evoke.  Sorry, but I gotta call BS on this one.  Totally histrionic.

    • Anonymous

      addendum:  Or you are trying to artificially inflate your sexual market value as young men think lesbians are ‘hot’. I reckon that is the answer as I see it often. Yep, it’s histrionic, and somewhere down the line when you meet a guy you like who is not turned on by it, you will drop the lesbian pantomime and continue down the road of heterosexuality.

      • Duba99

        you wish you knew what you were talking about. ::sigh::
        nobody’s going to have a cockfight for your pleasure to show who is the TRUE GAY. 

  • TerryZ

    Can I be your next love affair gone bad – mee and you under the stars you telling me about all them women who were abusive to you and hurt you – mee telling you that I’m a good man and I would never hurt you, and I had a vasectomy a year ago and that’s not semen.  Oops I just farted a laugh.  That is so gay.

  • TerryZ

    Nevermind.  I just hooked up with a woman who came out of the closet a few hours before you did.  Sorry but you and mee just never would have worked out like this cool ex-gay chick.  Hey but call me and we’ll have lunch.  Chow.

blog comments powered by Disqus