This summer officially marks my one year of being single. Hoo-ray. Even though dating for the sake of dating has been fairly unsuccessful, I did learn a thing or two from all the nights spent wining, dining and waiting for him to text me back:
1. Initially the way to keep someone interested in you is by acting like you’re not really that interested. Want him to not be able to get you off his mind? Act like you don’t give a shit. Makes total sense, right? No? I don’t get it either. Le sigh.
2. Obsessing is an exercise in futility. But you’ll do it anyways.
3. You will deactivate your Online Dating profile at least once every 3-4 months.
4. There is nothing sexier than a guy who knows his way around the kitchen.
5. Alternatively, there is nothing less attractive than a guy who invites you over for dinner so you can cook him a meal.
6. Bad dates make for a good story. Take notes.
7. Don’t sleep with him on the first date. Or the second date. Or the third. And probably not the fourth. Definitely not the fourth.
8. Realize when he’s just not that into you and bow out gracefully. Don’t makes excuses for him for three months only to get a little too tipsy, have ‘the talk’ and come to a painful end anyways. Once you see him start to drift, rip that band aid off as quickly as you can. On that note…
9. If the end is in sight, dump him before he dumps you. It won’t make you feel better, but the alternative will make you feel even worse.
10. If he doesn’t take you to dinner within the first month of dating, don’t expect he will.
11. Don’t hook up with anyone who has never taken you to dinner.
12. Realize when you like someone for the wrong reasons, whether it’s because of physical attraction or because he takes you out on nice dates. Do the right thing and cut him loose. You both deserve to spend time with someone who’s more interested or interesting.
13. Manscaping will never go unappreciated. Ever.
14. OKCupid has become the clearance rack of Online Dating. There’s a lot to choose from, but there’s a lot of damaged goods: He’s a commitment-phobe; he’s not over his ex; he drives a van with the words “GUMBO” painted on the side; he has no intention of finding a real job; he has minimal respect for women; he tries to rap along to the background music while on a date with you; his mom is his roommate.
15. You learn to appreciate “normal.”
16. Stay away from guys with girlfriends. Seriously, run the other way as if zombies were chasing you.
17. It’s never just sex.
18. If he really likes you, he’ll try to be in your thoughts as often as possible. Don’t fool yourself into thinking he’s ‘trying to play it cool’ if you haven’t heard from him in a few days/weeks/ months. The reality is probably that he’s just not that interested.
19. Sometimes guys listed as 6 feet tall on their Online Dating profile are not actually 6 feet tall. If you’re above average height for a girl, wear flats on the first date.
20. If you don’t plan to see him again after the first date, offer to split the bill.
21. If you suggested the date or have dated regularly for a few weeks, offer to split the bill.
22. If he asks you out on a date, is rude during the date then suggests you split the bill, dump him immediately.
23. The beach is overrated.
24. Don’t fall for band guys. Especially if his band plays covers of Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines.”
25. Don’t let every douche canoe who’s used you or strung you along ruin it for the rest of them. Never take your relationship baggage out on someone who doesn’t deserve it.
26. Most importantly, don’t let all of the disappointment from dating make you jaded and bitter. Dating blows and it will continue to blow, probably for a while. But know that somewhere there’s a perfectly nice/funny/cute person experiencing the same frustrations as you. One day you will awkwardly bump into each other, mumble an apology, then love will dropkick you in the face and you’ll spend the rest of your days in relationship bliss laughing about all of the frogs you both had to kiss before finding your match.
27. And if all else fails, adopt more pets.
image – New Girl