How To Pick Up Drunk Girls

Novoselov / (Shutterstock.com)
Novoselov / (Shutterstock.com)

Perhaps it is the way they slur their speech or maybe it’s just their utter lack of better judgment, but there’s something oddly endearing about drunk girls.

They’re the girls that go around yelling, “Wooo!!!” at the club downing shot after shot of Patrón every weekend just acting a fool. They’re your friendly neighborhood drunk girls.

It’s like watching the National Geographic channel when you see them doing their thing—just leopard print and wildness everywhere. Do not let their pretty faces fool you into complacency. Be aware that the general rule is: The prettier a girl is, the higher her propensity for drunken behavior. These drunk girls are wild creatures, so do not attempt to pet them because you will most likely get yourself bitten. Just stay at a safe distance and watch them make out with each other. Drunk girls seem to enjoy doing that a lot; I don’t know why.

Before we delve into the mechanics on how to pick up drunk girls, it is important to identify the stages of “drunk girlness.”

The first stage is when they first get to the club and showcase their OOTD. At this point, their hair is still perfectly combed and does not smell like vomit. Their make-up is still intact and their mascara has yet to run. They are not intoxicated owing to the fact that they are still too preoccupied taking photos inside the ladies’ room to start getting seriously sh*tfaced. This usually lasts an hour (thirty minutes spent with the customary gossip and small talk and the rest of the time taking photos, framing, and choosing the perfect filter for Instagram). When homegirl finally decides on “Earlybird,” it’s time to order the first round of drinks.

This is when sh*t gets real. Note that these girls go HAM. They hate the taste of alcohol so much that they down as many shots in as little time as possible so they won’t have to taste it. This is the reason why they go from sober to “bump and grind ALL the things” in a matter of minutes. This is the second stage of “drunk girlness.” At this point, it is still improper to attempt to pick up a drunk girl.

See, this is where most unenlightened young men make their mistake. They automatically assume that a drunk girl is down for the business just ’cause, well, they’re drunk. Please disabuse yourselves of that notion. DO NOT, under any and all circumstances, take advantage of a drunk girl. No exceptions. That is a mistake. Don’t be that guy, dude—seriously.

This is why the only proper time to pick up a drunk girl is when she needs to be picked up. This occurs when she’s too drunk to stand on her own two feet. This is when we discuss the mechanics of how to pick up a drunk girl.

Note that girls are fragile, so be very cautious when picking her up. Do it slowly and never be rough.

When picking her up, make sure all that needs to be covered remains covered.

Mind her head. Make sure its well protected and doesn’t get hit by the corners of tables or any other hard surfaces.

Do NOT drop her.

Have someone carry her handbag just to make sure it doesn’t get lost or stolen.

If she needs to vomit, hold her hair while she does.

Take her keys and drive her home. Give her a glass of water or a sports drink to rehydrate and leave some more by her bedside for the morning after. She will be thirsty and hung over tomorrow and won’t have the will or the strength to crawl to the refrigerator.

This is how you are supposed to pick up a drunk girl. Although it’s not really about how you pick up the girl that’s important, it’s how you lay her down that is.

Lay her down gently and rest her head on her pillow. Check under the mattress for a pea that may have wandered underneath. And though you may only find some batteries and an old sock, realize that it does not make her any less of a princess.

All women are princesses, even if they get sh*tfaced hammered sometimes.

See, there is something oddly endearing about drunk girls. Perhaps it is their lack of better judgment and maybe it’s also because of how they compel you to exercise your own. TC mark

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