Not everyone has been blessed with hearing the soulful sounds of Joe Balls and Carmanooch in their Italian-style cover of ‘The 12 Days of Christmas,’ so for those of you have not heard it, I’m sorry.
Being of full-blooded Italian decent, I find the song hilarious. However, after listening to it for the (checks iTunes library) 16th time since downloading it years ago, I’ve come to realize that I don’t really fit any of the stereotypes.
Granted, I don’t, nor have I ever, nor will I ever identify myself as a “guido,” but this shocking revelation has caused me to rethink my entire existence as an Italian-American man.
Let’s break it down, bro:
1. First day: A ride in his IROC-Z.
I’ve never been a “car guy.” I drive approximately 25,000 miles a year for work, so I prefer good gas mileage over style points.
2. Second day: Two guinea tees.
OK, I wear guinea tees, and I do ask for them for Christmas, so this one is true. Fun fact: I used to think they were called, “whitebeaters” because they were white; when my mom told me what they were really called (and why), I never used any variation of the term again.
3. Third day: All tree (three) ‘Godfather’’s
I just saw the original ‘Godfather’ for the first time over the summer. I’m 25. I have yet to see the second, or third, although I’ve been told that I could stop after two, since I wouldn’t be missing much.
4. Fourth day: Four fresh cannolis
I don’t like cannolis.
5. Fifth day: Five pinky rings
In the style of Wayne Campbell let me say this, “I do not even own a pinky ring, let alone multiple pinky rings that would necessitate an entire row. What am I going to do with five pinky rings?”
6. Sixth day: Six Sergio Tacchinis
For those of you who do not know, Sergio Tacchini is a famous Italian fashion designer, known mostly for his sport suits and other sport-casual clothing wear. I’m more of a jeans and a button down kind of guy.
7. Seventh day: Seven Piazza jerseys
I get it, Mike Piazza is Italian. Mike Piazza (again, for those of you who do not know) played for the New York Mets. I get it. But I’m a Yankees fan. Give me seven Derek Jeter jerseys and we’ll be good.
8. Eighth day: Eight “How you doin’”’s
I will admit, I do like (former ‘Friends’ character) Joey Tribbiani, and his “How you doin?” line is also among one of my favorites. I have never used the line in trying to court a girl, which, judging my the fact that I just used the term “court,” you probably guessed, but I have used it jokingly amongst friends, etc. I’ll take eight of them.
9. Ninth day: Nine balls-a-grabbin’
Not that I make this gesture anyway, but can I just ask why anyone would want nine testicles to grab?
10. Tenth day: 10 new hand gestures
As we make our way down the list, some of these become more accurate. One of the biggest Italian stereotypes I possess is that I use my hands a lot when I talk. It’s like us Italians have our own knock-off version of sign language. I’ll take 10 of them.
11. Eleventh day: 11 Sinatra CD’s
(A moment of silence for the Chairmen of the Board) I do like Frank Sinatra. Maybe not as much as most traditional Italians, but definitely more than the average person and way more than the average 25-year-old. Just for organizational purposes, I’d prefer the songs to be in MP3 form, but I’ll take either.
12. Twelfth day: 12 gobs of hair gel
When I finally discovered what hair product was (in sixth grade), my go-to was hair gel. That’s what my neighbor told me to buy; that’s what he used; and that’s all I knew. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that my hair responds better to like a paste or pomade, so if it’s 12 of those, I’ll happily accept. Hair gel, though, I’ll pass.
I hope all of you — especially my fellow paesans — out there enjoyed this list. Have a Merry, safe and healthy Christmas. I’m sure I’ll have something up by the new year, but if I don’t, have a safe and healthy New Year and I’ll see you in 2015.