Listening To ‘The 12 Days Of Guido Christmas,’ Made Me Realize I’m The Worst Italian, Ever

Not everyone has been blessed with hearing the soulful sounds of Joe Balls and Carmanooch in their Italian-style cover of ‘The 12 Days of Christmas,’ so for those of you have not heard it, I’m sorry.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aogz162O5pE]
Being of full-blooded Italian decent, I find the song hilarious. However, after listening to it for the (checks iTunes library) 16th time since downloading it years ago, I’ve come to realize that I don’t really fit any of the stereotypes.

Granted, I don’t, nor have I ever, nor will I ever identify myself as a “guido,” but this shocking revelation has caused me to rethink my entire existence as an Italian-American man.

Let’s break it down, bro:

1. First day: A ride in his IROC-Z.

I’ve never been a “car guy.” I drive approximately 25,000 miles a year for work, so I prefer good gas mileage over style points.

2. Second day: Two guinea tees.

OK, I wear guinea tees, and I do ask for them for Christmas, so this one is true. Fun fact: I used to think they were called, “whitebeaters” because they were white; when my mom told me what they were really called (and why), I never used any variation of the term again.

3. Third day: All tree (three) ‘Godfather’’s

I just saw the original ‘Godfather’ for the first time over the summer. I’m 25. I have yet to see the second, or third, although I’ve been told that I could stop after two, since I wouldn’t be missing much.

4. Fourth day: Four fresh cannolis

I don’t like cannolis.

5. Fifth day: Five pinky rings

In the style of Wayne Campbell let me say this, “I do not even own a pinky ring, let alone multiple pinky rings that would necessitate an entire row. What am I going to do with five pinky rings?”

6. Sixth day: Six Sergio Tacchinis

For those of you who do not know, Sergio Tacchini is a famous Italian fashion designer, known mostly for his sport suits and other sport-casual clothing wear. I’m more of a jeans and a button down kind of guy.

7. Seventh day: Seven Piazza jerseys

I get it, Mike Piazza is Italian. Mike Piazza (again, for those of you who do not know) played for the New York Mets. I get it. But I’m a Yankees fan. Give me seven Derek Jeter jerseys and we’ll be good.

8. Eighth day: Eight “How you doin’”’s

I will admit, I do like (former ‘Friends’ character) Joey Tribbiani, and his “How you doin?” line is also among one of my favorites. I have never used the line in trying to court a girl, which, judging my the fact that I just used the term “court,” you probably guessed, but I have used it jokingly amongst friends, etc. I’ll take eight of them.

9. Ninth day: Nine balls-a-grabbin’

Not that I make this gesture anyway, but can I just ask why anyone would want nine testicles to grab?

10. Tenth day: 10 new hand gestures

As we make our way down the list, some of these become more accurate. One of the biggest Italian stereotypes I possess is that I use my hands a lot when I talk. It’s like us Italians have our own knock-off version of sign language. I’ll take 10 of them.

11. Eleventh day: 11 Sinatra CD’s

(A moment of silence for the Chairmen of the Board) I do like Frank Sinatra. Maybe not as much as most traditional Italians, but definitely more than the average person and way more than the average 25-year-old. Just for organizational purposes, I’d prefer the songs to be in MP3 form, but I’ll take either.

12. Twelfth day: 12 gobs of hair gel

When I finally discovered what hair product was (in sixth grade), my go-to was hair gel. That’s what my neighbor told me to buy; that’s what he used; and that’s all I knew. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that my hair responds better to like a paste or pomade, so if it’s 12 of those, I’ll happily accept. Hair gel, though, I’ll pass.

I hope all of you — especially my fellow paesans — out there enjoyed this list. Have a Merry, safe and healthy Christmas. I’m sure I’ll have something up by the new year, but if I don’t, have a safe and healthy New Year and I’ll see you in 2015.